Source
r/askgaybros•
cakekween

My boyfriend meets up 'occasionegularly' with his ex.

My boyfriend (31) and I (24) have been dating for just about 2 years now. We have a very loving relationship and I am generally a very level-headed guy. We see each other almost every day and are accustomed to each other.

In the past quarter, his ex (of also ~2 years-- the ex cheated on him; they broke up before my BF and I started dating) has come back to town from working in another city and has called him up for coffee every 2 weeks-or-so.

I am wondering if this is something I should be weird about or not. My mentality is telling me that I need to chill, and that it's literally meeting for coffee, but my weak-minded paranoia sometimes takes over briefly every time my BF texts me telling me that he got messaged to meet his ex for coffee.

My BF tells me if I'm ever uncomfortable with the coffee meets I should tell him and he'll call them off right away-- he doesn't want anything to impede on our relationship. I am thankful for his generous foresight, but I never think too much of the meetings for more than they're worth. Besides, there is no harm in allowing him to befriend people he doesn't mind meeting for coffee.

May I get somebody here to tell me to lighten up and grow a pair? I know my worries are unsubstantiated.

EDIT:

Hello everybody, and thanks for your previous advice. I talked to him yesterday about my feelings of unwarranted jealousy, making sure to explain that I do realize that this feeling is over unfounded paranoia and that I have the utmost trust and respect for his decision to meet up with his ex (especially since he lets me know when they meet) and that I trust in his actions for any ordeal like this. He listened to me explain that I'd like to include myself one time, whenever it may be.. not to keep an eye on him, per se; but to just experience the event so I can squash the unsubstantiated worries.

That night he mentioned that yes, it was really weird of me to be jealous and reassured me that I had nothing to worry about. He discussed briefly how my paranoia about the coffee dates me be due to some control issues I may have and I need to keep them in check, as well as telling me to trust him more. This kinda hit me from the side, but I took it in stride because honestly, I'm sure there are lots of reasons that would get me paranoid over coffee meetups.

Today, that statement hung with me throughout my day whilst at work. I talked to him about it, explaining how yesterday I enjoyed talking to him about my jealousy pangs and how I realize they are unwarranted-- but I just felt I should let him know that I did have these feelings cropping up around the coffee-meet issue. I brought up how I felt that he left the ball in my court with the previous sentiment of "I don't want anything to come in-between us-- you can just let me know if it's weird and I can call off meeting for coffee"; and how I felt that was turned up onto me when he said I have control issues in response to my mentioning that I felt a little jealous, worried, and paranoid of things I consciously knew was not occurring. I really wanted to let him know I fully realize the unfoundedness of my paranoia and that categorizing my jealous pangs under control issues made me feel misunderstood and frankly, crazy.

He replied saying that he was joking and that I should have gotten that. Oh well. I believe him, though. I must have been too caught up in the moment and got woosh'd.

Thanks for reading my update, and of course; thanks for your previous advice. I think I'll be able to tag along to the next coffee date and sit in some comfy couches :)

Posted Dec 20, 2014, 1:22 AM UTC · edited

1812
correon•

I am wondering if this is something I should be weird about or not.

Who gives a shit about "should be"? Does it make you feel weird? Or uncomfortable? ...

my weak-minded paranoia sometimes takes over briefly every time my BF texts me telling me that he got messaged to meet his ex for coffee

Yup. Sounds like you are.

May I get somebody here to tell me to lighten up and grow a pair?

I absolutely will not. You should talk with him about how you feel. Explain (1) that you feel a little pang of jealousy every time you know he's going out with his ex and (2) that you know it's not rational and (3) that you trust him. Exactly what you said above. If you're in a relationship you need to be honest about your feelings. Thinking about "shoulds" and "normals" is bad juju.

Here's a thought: Maybe it'd put your mind at greater ease if you knew the coffee-guy and saw the two of them interacting as non-romantic friends. Is there any reason you cannot tag along to one of their coffee meetups? Any reason that you two cannot host him for dinner sometime?

37
cakekweenOP•

Thank you for your suggestion. I appreciate your thorough response and will talk to him later today.

8
mattie4fun•

Genius post :) great advice through and through.

6
TehRoflNife•

Spot on.

3
Back2Bach•

If, as you say, your worries are "unsubstantiated," there's nothing for you or him to be concerned about.

Nonetheless, a workable compromise would be for you to go with him when he meets his ex, and spend the time together. That'll put things in a perspective that no amount of speculation can accomplish otherwise.

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cakekweenOP•

Thank you for your opinion and advice.

2
lmaoitsbeebebluff•

baby, your bf said if the meet-ups make you uncomfortable, to tell him.
sooooo .... you're very clearly uncomfortable ...

go talk to your boyfriend, dude.

5
LovelyKarl•

Jealousy is very strongly supported by cultural context, even encouraged. It's especially visible in straight relationships and then mostly about how the woman is not supposed to socialise with other men. Just recently Nick Jonas released "Jealous", and despite how cute he is or catchy the song is, the lyrics try to justify "his right to be hellish" and "puffing his chest". But you can find plenty of other examples of jealousy being treated as a virtue. We are a product of our context which means our views on jealousy are too.

In my book jealousy is an ugly thing, something to see through in oneself and rise above. Definitely not something to make your partner's problem and definitely not something that should limit your boyfriend's life.

Ultimately it comes down to trust. Trust is scary and really hurts when broken. But what is the alternative? Who wants to build a relationship on mistrust?

3
Firecrotch2014•

Yup as others have said if I were in your bf position there is no way I'd meet an ex alone even if just for coffee. Why even give the appearance of impropriety? Not saying your bf is a bad guy or anything. I think it was awesome to say he would give up meeting this guy if it made you feel uncomfortable. I mean that's the reasonable thing to do. Although it kind of puts the pressure on you to say no and prevent him from doing something he would enjoy. That's why I said if I were in your bf's position I would take the initiative to ask the ex if my current bf could come along. I think you should tag along and maybe become friends with his ex too so you all can go out and have a good time. Maybe even double date when the ex finds someone.

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esosa233•

Go with him, see what's going on for yourself, and set your mind at ease.

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cakekweenOP•

Thank you for your council. I appreciate it.

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notocar•

"Really weird of me to be jealous", "control issues"?

  1. It's not really weird. He knows this. It's why he brought it up to you (seeing the ex for coffee) in the first place.

  2. I dunno. I don't hear "control issues" from what you described. The "haha, I was just teasing you, couldn't you tell?? relax hah" sounds like BS.

Maybe I'm bitter cause I've been burned by a guy who still had feelings for his ex. But your bf sounds like a piece of work from these two things. I'll say that much.

I'm curious as to how he responded when you mentioned you wanted to join their coffee date.

1