Source
r/raisedbynarcissists•
theplotbot

Thought I could handle being home for the weekend with my FLEAmother and GC N brother. I was wrong.

I can't do this to myself anymore. These people are absolutely insane.

Mom invited brother home despite my uncomfortableness with the idea. The whole time it's been the two of them ganging up on me, every time I express a dissenting opinion treating me like I'm a crazy person (asking me if I'm "okay" with high pitched voices and wide eyes before dissolving into giggles) and making me the butt of their jokes (they invited me to sit in the yard while they raked and then mom told brother to give me something and he gleefully rubbed dog shit all over the deck next to my face) and when I exploded and told her why this behavior wasn't okay she told me it was my job to make him a better person and clearly I was just being grumpy and I feel like a lunatic. I feel crazy and upset and I'm just sitting here shaking and crying. I don't leave to go back to my home until Wednesday. I miss my husband. Everyone at home thinks I am sane. Everyone.

Edit: She just came upstairs presumably to reason with my crazy ass. Told me every time I'm around they treat me like I'm a firecracker. Then she told me I need to participate and fix this and think of some solution. Feeling angry I suggested perhaps I should just apologize for being such an unreasonable and angry person and asked her why she invited me home. She told me the least I could do was PARTICIPATE in family and gave up angrily and stomped away.

Edit 2: she screamed she's changing my ticket and she's kicking me out

Posted Mar 29, 2015, 6:49 PM UTC · edited

4243
branchero•

Remember this next time you ever consider going over. This is the kind of crap they are going to pull every time.

18
theplotbotOP•

This is the same crap they've been pulling since my brother was able to walk and talk. My mom bought me a ticket home (I live across the country) saying it would just be a girls weekend and just the two of us. When it is just us she is a different person. But she sprung him on me last minute and I feel betrayed and angry. She tried to corner me earlier by telling me to just tell her I didn't want him around so I would say it out loud and sound like a horrible asshole. But I didn't do it.

10
branchero•

I'm pretty sure this was all planned by her. Not nice.

9
theplotbotOP•

She's not much of a cognitive planner, but my brother's been carefully groomed to resemble my NDad and uses a lot of the same manipulative tactics. My mom is divorced and struggles with it and I do believe she replaced my dad with my brother in terms of someone to fawn over and treat like a king.

14
grimpaper•

What horrible bullies. Best not to engage for the next several days. Do you have a book or something you can dive into?

8
theplotbotOP•

My brother is leaving for college tonight and I'm upstairs in my room. During the shouting match earlier I was told that I was ungrateful and unhappy and the seat of all the problems. Now my mom is being weird and telling me in a weird gentle voice that she's sorry that she can't see it my way and that I can't see it her way and won't I come help her clean my brothers car before he leaves for college. I am pretending it's taking me thirty minutes to put on my jeans.

9
grimpaper•

I like this tactic. :) Please tell me it also takes you 30 minutes to put on each sock... never mind how long it takes you to lace up shoes.

Otherwise, Ugh ugh ugh.

7
theplotbotOP•

Now I'm making and unmaking my bed over and over.

9
loungeboy79ACoNM, NC•

"I have big plans to sit around and not put up with your ACTUAL LITERAL dog shit".

10
exscapegoat•

If you can't change your ticket or stay with friends, is there a library or somewhere you can go the whole day to get away from them?

6
theplotbotOP•

I'm going to try. The local library from when I was a kid is about a 40 min walk.

4
loungeboy79ACoNM, NC•

This sounds like a very calculated N tactic to create drama, and then blame you for it. If they had put dog poop in your food, then you would have a legit claim for poisoning and a reason to call police. Rubbing it on you seems to go JUST up to that point without crossing the line of "danger to your health". Ns are experts at creating this sort of drama to satisfy their need to be the center of attention while lying and hiding from actual consequences. This is abusive and you don't have to take it. I'm glad that you do have a safe home and a husband you love, but that doesn't mean that this is ok. It seems like this isn't anywhere near the first time something like this has happened. INTERNET HUG!!

Can you somehow stay busy and get away from them for the next few days? Can you check into a hotel or stay with a friend? Is there some obligation that you have to be there for until Wednesday? Ns like to use the "family obligation" excuse to guilt trip you into taking their abuse. Can you just do that one thing and stay away the rest of the time? Good luck!

7
theplotbotOP•

Mom purchased an $850 round trip ticket for me to fly halfway across the country for a week together "just us girls". Our relationship was really improving lately so I was excited for this. Then brother announced he was coming because he "misses me so much" (even though he never contacts me or makes any attempt to treat me well unless it's jokes at my expense). And mom painted it like this: well I can tell him no if that's what YOU want...

During the screaming earlier she declared she just wants us to be a big happy family and just because I don't like him and I "think" he doesn't like me I don't have the right to disturb her perfect vision. That it's my job to be nice to him and happy no matter how he acts.

I feel betrayed and angry. I haven't been able to muster up the courage to leave my room yet. Everything I try to think of doing rationally ends in tears. I am hurt and feel betrayed.

6
tyromania•

During the screaming earlier she declared she just wants us to be a big happy family and just because I don't like him and I "think" he doesn't like me I don't have the right to disturb her perfect vision.

Whoah. My mom totally did that to me, once, where a small gathering for mother's day while mom was taking a business trip that was supposed to involve a "surprise visit" including me instead became a whole family trip which my brother absolutely ruined because he can't handle not having an entire weekend revolve around her. And it happened in part because my mom has a vision of how "everyone should get together an be happy as a family" even though my brother is incapable of handling things like that without acting crazy and picking fights all weekend.

(edited for clarity)

4
theplotbotOP•

She also told me I am a "guest" in her home and that she and my brother "live there" which I then said implied I wasn't welcome unless I unerringly accepted his abuse. I asked why she invited me home saying it was girl time and then invited my brother. She retorted with... Well, I ASKED you! But honestly if she really just wanted to spend time with me she would have just told him no on her own and left me out of it. The way she did it, it's all my fault. Clearly since I agreed to him coming (when she asked me she made me feel really guilty) and then rejected his shitty behavior I am unstable and unreasonable. Also how dare I as a guest make demands of his behavior right?

Then she went on to say when I'm in her house, I'm a child and she will treat me as a child. But I'm not a fucking child. I'm a grown married woman with a mortgage and a life. I manage my finances and I struggle with issues and abandonment and fear. When I need money I don't have anyone to turn to. When I need shelter or support I have to make and find my own. But when I am here I'm supposed to just revert to my 16 yo self and let everyone treat me like shit.

Honestly the whole... I'm a guest in the house where I grew up in thing hurt the most.

6
Sageleaf•

Um, maybe your mother shouldn't take hostess tips from Game of Thrones anymore. There are certain social constructs regarding the roles of host to their guests and guests to their hosts and while you have observed them, you mother hasn't and neither has yoru brother. Having animal feces rubbed near your face is not one of them, ever. Being made to clean someone else's vehicle is not one of them. Being ridiculed and disparaged and emotionally abused is not one of them.

I like what Captain Awkward says about "keeping the peace" -- the peace has already been broken.

Seriously. Please, pack everything left from "Your Room" in a box, take it to the post office and mail it to yourself at your real house before you leave to go home, and forever after this, hotels are your new "host" if you decide to visit relatives. Tell your mother to feel free to turn it into a craft room or a guest room or a home gym, because you won't be back again "under her roof" again in this lifetime.

Also, I'd write your brother a letter, if you haven't already. Tell him how revolting his actions are, and that if he wants any relationship with you, it's up to him to behave and present himself 100% of the time in a socially appropriate manner: He had no business inviting himself "in" on a stated "Girls Only" visit. He has no business acting like a boor and a brute and a bully. Maybe you are his older sister, but it's time he grew up and realized, you are a woman, he is supposedly a man over the age of 18, and adults don't treat each other like feral animals. He's in college, would he act this way with a professor? Or on a job interview? Then he shouldn't do it with you, not if he wants a relationship with you.

12
blueberryyogurtcup•

Her Nlogic explanation puts you right back into the relationship where she gets to have total control over you. She is so very wrong to hurt you in this way. She is just plain wrong in her assertions as well.

I hope you can find a way to leave early.
Please let us know how you are once you get home?

3
[deleted]•

[deleted]

1
triforcepizzaonly child = only SG•

Everyone at home thinks I am sane. Everyone.

Dude, cuz you are sane. You're being bullied by your mother and brother to make themselves feel like they're bigger than you. Don't let them be bigger than you.

You are the adult in this situation, not them. Your relationship with them just sounds awful and humiliating; I can tell you're worn out. Maybe it is time to go NC, and it's okay to accept that you can't handle your family.

6
theplotbotOP•

My husband and I are already NC with his family. I don't know how to handle being NC with just my brother and leaving my mom out of it since she is so obsessed with him and making sure I don't abandon him. Probably because she knows he is a horrible person and given the chance everyone would abandon him.

7
triforcepizzaonly child = only SG•

Is going NC with your mother and brother an option for you? Maybe even NC with your bro and LC with your mom would help if you aren't ready for that. I believe you though, deep down your mom probably does know exactly what she and your brother are doing, she just isn't ready to admit it. :(

6
theplotbotOP•

I don't know if I'm ready to admit it. I wanted a mom so badly.

3
loungeboy79ACoNM, NC•

She's not being a mom. She's acting like an enabler, giving into your N brother and going along with abusive treatment because she's weak.

Oh look, the bed just un-made itself again....

6
triforcepizzaonly child = only SG•

Trust me, I totally know what you're feeling. I know for a fact I'm not ready to go NC or even maybe LC with my mom right now even though I'm moving out in a few weeks. The little kid on all of us needs to mourn for what we never got a chance to experience.

Regardless, this weekend was a total bust - you can't change what happened or how your so-called family acts, but you can change how it affects you. Keep your chin up :)

4
Ex_ileddSoNF, Emom, 19, GCbro, LC•

Well if your moms enabling your brother and bringing him around you when you clearly don't want it, she's not respecting you or your boundaries. In this case you'd have to seriously consider whether or not it's best to NC her aswell as him.

2
NormaBatWorkSG LC/SC NParents Nlaws•

At the very least, you could refuse to put yourself in situations where they both are there. If he's there unexpectedly, leave. My Nmom is manageable by herself, but unbearable when CGbro is with her.

1
Celera314•

It is absolutely not your job to make your brother a better person. Actually MOM, that's your job. sheesh.

5
Debasers_Comics•

What will you tell yourself the next time that asshole invites you for a visit?

1
theplotbotOP•

Sorry mom but I'm on the no fly list ever since they caught me with a gallon of shampoo in my carry on?

11
Quesarita•

My therapist told me this and I live by it: Tell them you are busy, because it's true. You don't have time for this shit.

3
exscapegoat•

Can you change your ticket and leave? Are there friends you can stay with if you can't do that?

1
theplotbotOP•

She just announced she was changing my ticket because she can't deal with this insanity. And when I tried to start packing my bag she ripped it out of my hands twice and threw it into the closet.

3
exscapegoat•

I hope she calms down when your brother leaves. Anyone in the area who can come pick you up and let you stay with them?

2
theplotbotOP•

My brother just left. She told him to go. I told him quietly that he was to never contact me again. I'm done.

13
frisianksDoNF•

Good for you. BIG HUGS!

2
exscapegoat•

Hope the next couple of days are calmer and better. And I wouldn't visit her again until you have enough money to stay at a hotel or change a flight ticket. Also, don't let her stay at your place. She needs to stay in a hotel if she visits you.

2
NormaBatWorkSG LC/SC NParents Nlaws•

I'm sorry. My Nmom and Gcbro are like this, to a lesser extent. She will agree with everything he says, and they'll gang up on me and talk to me like I'm an idiot.

1