I don't want an apology.

I'm with you. I don't want an apology anymore because it's just too late. They had plenty of time and multiple opportunities to give a true apology, but instead gave sorry not sorry fake apologies, created mote drama, were never accountable for their behavior, didn't understand at all how deeply they hurt me with their atrocious behavior, and now I'm done.

Same here. I think it's because we know that relationships are not about power or about winning or losing. In the real world where we live (vs the N world where they live) people have everything to gain and nothing to lose by taking responsibility for how they treat others.

Our world is fundamentally incompatible with theirs. Their lives revolve around making sure there's at least SOMEBODY in this world that feels worse than they do. That's also why they can't apologize. Because in their view of the world, that would make them feel worse and you feel better. It goes against the laws of nature of the world they live in. Can't be done.

In our world, life is not about strength and weakness. It's not about winning and losing. Our world is about being allowed to be ourselves and allowing others to be themselves. Our world is not about hurt. Our world is about behaving normally and considerate towards others. They have no such concept.

It seems to me that a real apology is heartfelt - someone feels and understands the pain they've caused someone and is truly sorry.

For me it would mean that ndad realized that no rationale could excuse his behaviour and he had to live with what he'd done.

Perhaps you have changed your expectations and made it irrelevant whether you get an apology or not, part of detaching yourself from someone. As for others, the people I am closest with now are the ones that I have the most immediate relationships with - if we hurt each other, we apologize quickly and sincerely and get on with enjoying ourselves.

An apology only means some thing when the apologiser understands why it's needed, and truly means it. An apology to shut you up and keep you quiet till next time is just an N tactic. Once you know you'll never get a true apology because your N can never ever be wrong - that there's always an excuse or another person to blame - You simply stop looking! Its a waste of time.....

To an N, an apology is like a handshake is to a dog.

I just want to be left alone as well. I do not want an apology because according to them, I do not deserve one. But according to me, they do not deserve my forgiveness anyway.

I once went an entire 3 weeks without saying a single word to my NMom. This was a particularly strong feat considering I lived with her at the time. I would literally walk through the living room where she is almost a permanent fixture on the sofa, ignore whatever was said to me, even if she just kept talking and talking, and not say a word or even look at her. She had profoundly insulted me, though I forget exactly how, but it was something very hurtful that she said, and the last words I said to her after that were "You can fuck right the hell off until you apologize to me for that.", and I stuck to it. Eventually she needed something from me and ended up saying "I'm sorry." simply to get me to speak again.

It was obvious that it was insincere and she didn't actually feel any remorse for it or understand why I could still be upset by it, so I simply told her "Thanks for the apology." then told her I wouldn't be helping her with her little problem, whatever it was, because it was the only reason she had "apologized" in the first place. It was about that point that I realized she would never actually apologize for anything she had done, or admit that she was wrong, at least not in a sincere fashion, so no matter how hard I tried it would be an empty victory.

This basically flipped some sort of switch in me. I no longer care about her in any fashion. Many people have fed me that old line of "Oh, you'll always love your mother!" and related crap, but it's just not true. I've expressed in the past that she should see a doctor because of a persistent cough, not because I cared if she died, but because I didn't want to be the one that had to deal with the bullshit when I found her dead body, like calling someone and such. I've gotten into screaming matches with her where she has turned on the waterworks in a play for sympathy because I'm talking about an unpleasant subject that needs to be discussed and she doesn't want to hear it. She ends up sobbing and proclaiming loudly that she has chest pains now and "Oh, you're going to give me a heart attack because you won't stop!", when the whole thing wouldn't have happened if she'd literally just shut up and let me say two sentences to get my point across. But she can't just listen, she has to decide when the conversation is over, and if not, she makes damn sure you're guilty.

Nothing can ever apologize for this, and I've come to terms with that. I am very content in knowing that she has made herself into such an absolutely insufferable monster in my eyes that my heart is hardened to it, and nothing she can ever say or do will cause me pain again. It's sad to say, but you really do just have to realize that you can't care about these people. They obviously don't care about you or they wouldn't act the way they do, so you can't allow yourself to care about them. As you said, the enablers are the ones that owe apologies. They allow it to go on, witness it or hear about it and don't do anything to stop it, or tell you you're being oversensitive. I have a few people in my life that I'd love to get an apology from for this kind of behavior, but never expect one from an N.