Crying right now but at least I'll get angry after.
Anything that isn't sadness feels so good. I don't even know why I'm crying but I do it almost every day now. All my 'friends' stopped talking to me immediately after high school (even my online ones) except for 1 who stopped talking with me after my first year in uni...my family kicked me out for smoking pot and the other family members I went to stay with kicked me out too because they hated me. The only time I feel content is work because the people don't know me enough to hate me yet and the only time I feel "happy" is when I'm smoking more pot, not that it gets rid of any of my feelings it just makes me stop caring about them long enough for me to forget them while I lose myself in my favourite music.
Never been in a relationship...although I didn't used to think I was that ugly I guess I am, I even dropped 40 pounds because I stopped eating because I thought it might be a weight thing (muffin top before). Nope. I'm just an asshole. Why can't just one person love me or even like me enough to keep in touch? My cousin I was staying with at my grandparents introduced me to some of his friends and since I never drink I didn't know how much would get me drunk...I ended up blacking out, vomiting everywhere after 2 hours, woke up in the garbage can and was drunk for 16 hours straight from 1/2 a bottle of rum. Needless to say, none of them are ever talking to me again.
As you can tell by the title I also have anger issues, I just explode usually for pointless shit (the internet probably causes 90% of my incidents...) and it really alienates you when you're screaming a blood curdling "fucking niggers" and start shouting about the amazingly ridiculous and fucked up ways you're going to kill somebody. Although, that's one of the only times I can laugh with sincerity, about 10 minutes later because my explosive anger lasts about 10-20 minutes at most and then I go right back to base line, another thing that makes me seem really weird.
Well I guess I was wrong, writing this made me feel nothing. Literally nothing, it just killed every emotion. That's how pathetic I sound, even to myself.
Posted May 26, 2015, 11:37 PM UTC
[deleted]
19, and I can control my anger in public at this point, when I was a kid I used to have violent outbursts all the time and not give a fuck about anything I did, so the therapy I went to must have helped. I'm not racist, I just swear A LOT when I get angry and a fair amount in general when I'm in an appropriate setting. Nigger just became my go to word because it offends people the most, usually I string them together into chains of 4-6 words so I need to have as many available to me as possible.
But the mood swings or whatever you want to call them just do a 180 in like 30 minutes I go from "I should just kill myself" with tears running down my face to "nah, I'm okay". I used to find gaming enjoyable (10h+ a day after grade 4 because we moved out of a complex to a neighborhood with no children so I just talked with people using skype or teamspeak) but for the past few months I just sit and stare at nothing or mindlessly scroll through reddit with minimal attention and maybe play games for 1-3 hours (while watching netflix because I can't stand just video games) before getting incredibly bored and then sad because of my lack of interest before I head to bed.
My cousin is cool with me I think, he used to snort coke and do oxys as well as deal a bunch of shit (went to jail before he finally got clean..ish, still loves some fresh bud) and he's like 22 this year so obviously he's got his own problems that he dealt/is dealing with. I would expect him to understand me being a dumbass but he's the only one who will and since he works the opposite hours as I do I won't get to see him for at least the summer.
Well shit, my internet is down and I got nothing better to do, might as well talk about my REALLY fucked up mental health issues...Such as, I don't even know what to call it because I'm not sure if it actually went away or what happened and if it even counts but from about age 11-15 (and earlier there was signs of it looking back) I had a huge episode of OCD where I would touch objects and have to "touch them last". I'll walk you through my morning to give you an idea of exactly how crazy this used to be.
I wake up, take off blankets, touch them with the pad of my middle finger (all these solutions are based on easiest to complete without having to touch it again, if I fuck it up I have to touch it 4x whatever the last interval was ie. 1, 4, 16, 64, 128, god forbid...512, after this (or before) I get angry and sometimes punch the object and start at 16 again), put both feet on ground at same time, run foot lightly over area where carpets join 4 times, turn off light switch, touch light switch and the trim around it and the FUCKING paneling (oh my god I hate the walls of that house), each piece of paneling must be touched if I touch one of them. If that means running around the room 64 times with my fingers on the wall then so fucking be it. Jump to the next carpet because this one sticks up at the end and will touch you if you don't. Climb stairs making sure to arch each foot at the end of the step so the end of my toe touches the stairs...I think you get the point (this shit was ALL DAY LONG and even involved counting footsteps on my way to/from places to make sure each foot had an equal number of steps divisible by 4). I would do it with people too which means running down the halls during class and touching somebody and then running back to class before the teacher got back (this was gr 7/8 that it happened a lot). If I didn't get it? Last talk instead, shout that, cover your ears and make a bunch of random noises while running away (lol), or if they weren't there, or I had to touch something 512 times or some bullshit like that cry and punch myself in the face or try really hard not to and roll around on the floor holding my own arms behind me instead. It got better near the end of gr9 and was almost completely gone by the end of gr10. I still get very, very rare urges from time to time (maybe once a week or two) but make sure to control myself.
I also have a serious oedipal complex that's probably related to my dad leaving when he heard my mom was pregnant with me (came back after he got somebody else pregnant (6 months later but didn't come back until I was 3.5 years old). I'm pretty much attracted to every female in my family (regardless of age...yes that means grandparents and younger persons) and it really scares me sometimes but the fact that it disgusts me when I'm not horny as hell is reassuring, however thinking about family members when watching porn is really fucked up for most people I would think...I think that's enough detail on that subject.
So now that you know how fucking insane I am, want to hang out LOL? (I'd reread it and edit some likely shitty grammar but that's a roller coaster of a post so I'll leave it alone for now because I'm feeling content, for whatever reason.)
[deleted]