When I (24f) am away from my partner (25m) I basically shut down
So for this post I need to provide a little background, I'll try to keep it short. When I was 19 I got into a long distance relationship with somebody. The details aren't too relevant because we aren't together anymore, but 3/4 years of that was long distance. I remember I used to feel almost as though I switched to "off" when we were away from each other, probably a big part of that was that I had such severe depression and simply didn't get out of bed. When I was around him I came alive again and felt more like a normal person.
Shortly after that relationship ended I met my current boyfriend and it was sort of the reverse of a long distance relationship; we met at a summer camp and got to know each other in the context of being around each other pretty much constantly. It transitioned very neatly into an awesome, healthy relationship after camp but we sort of jumped into living together right away due to extenuating circumstances. It went great, I know this normally isn't the best idea but it hasn't caused any problems so far.
The issue is that one year later (almost exactly, our 1 year anniversary is tomorrow) it's summer again and this time he got hired on as the director of the summer camp that we met at. So now I'm going from being around my best friend basically 24/7 when we aren't at work to very limited contact (no cell service at the camp) for 3 months. And I'm really happy for him because he's wanted to be the director of this camp since he was 14, I really am. But I have no clue what to do with myself.
I can feel myself shutting down again and I'm realizing that I have no clue how to be alone, despite being alone for 3 years. You'd think I would have figured it out by now, right? I don't want to feel like this though. I have no drive to do anything, my attention span for anything is waning. I cook less, I have no interest in hobbies, I go to bed at 3 am after being glued to the internet all night despite going to bed at 10:30 pm when my boyfriend is around (even though he goes to bed later than me!) and I know from past experience that it will wreck havoc on my mental health if it continues. I even shower less. Basically I revert to this weird bachelor frog minimal effort mode.
It's not that he tells me to do anything; I'm a functional adult when he's around. Everything is extremely 50/50 and other than an occasional "hey babe I know you cooked dinner but would you mind emptying the dishwasher while I wash up" he never prompts me to do anything that I should be doing anyway, so it's not like I need someone around telling me to act like an adult. I just... lose the drive when I'm alone. And it isn't a new thing because it happened in my last relationship too.
I miss him of course and I think about him all the time, but I could handle that part for 3 months! It's the rest of it, I don't think my reaction to being alone is healthy. I really am not sure what's wrong or what to do about it.
tl;dr: when I am not living with an SO I am basically a shell going through the motions and I'm pretty sure that's a very bad thing.
Posted Jun 15, 2015, 2:39 AM UTC · edited
You're right, it's not healthy to be dependent on someone else to function. Have you considered seeing a counselor about it?
I had depression when I was younger and I found it really helpful to set goals for a day. I'd get up and write a list of things I wanted to do that day - one that was manageable, so I didn't feel overwhelmed. Sometimes just two or three things. Some of those things were housework, cooking, that kind of thing. But others were hobbies. Do you have any hobbies at all you enjoy? Do you have any friends you can spend time with?
Thank you for taking the time to respond. I do have a few hobbies (crocheting, origami, stuff like that), although I have a lot of trouble sticking to them. I have friends (just hung out with some last night, but it was goodbye party for my most extraverted friend in the area who always initiates hanging out which really sucks) but struggle with reaching out to spend time with them and maintaining relationships. I realize that there is a pattern here.
I'm waiting for my medical insurance from my new job to kick in in July, but the plan is to find a therapist as soon as that happens.
That's great and I think you're doing well for recognising there is a problem. That's the first step towards fixing it! I really do understand how you feel because I really struggle reaching out to friends too. It's something you just have to keep working on.
Like I said before, try setting yourself small and achievable goals. You'd be surprised how much that helps. Having a list and ticking things off it will make you feel positive and make you feel like you are accomplishing things. You can even set yourself rewards (watch a show you like, have some icecream, whatever). It sounds dumb but this is something I still do to keep my head up when I'm feeling down.
In addition to the good advice already given, I would suggest that sometime when you are feeling motivated that you make a list of all the things you can/want to do right then. For me it would be "cook a fancy dinner, go on a bike ride, clean the bathroom, lay in the sun by the pool". You can then reference that list when you are feeling low and can't think of anything fun or productive to do. I know that when I'm feeling down the idea of doing those activities isn't appealing, but once I start doing one of them my mood starts to lift and I feel better.
Since you mention that, in the meantime you could search for therapists in your area and start to get that set up. I think it's psychologytoday that has a good search, I'll look up the link in case you or someone else can use it.
Edit: mobile link:
http://m.therapists.psychologytoday.com/rms/