Source
r/relationships•
basicallybob

Boyfriend [m25] and I [f25] are running into a roadblock with regards to applying for houses and neither of us seem to be able to compromise

Relationships

My boyfriend and I have been together for a year and a half and have been living together since about 3 months in. It was much sooner than we probably should have but circumstances forced our hand and honestly it worked out great; we make great roommates and have excellent communication skills. We need to move a couple of towns over for career reasons in August, and since boyfriend is working a summer job with minimal Internet access I'm doing most of the legwork.

Here's the issue; the town we are moving to is very small with extremely limited options. My perspective is that we need to make ourselves as desirable as possible to potential landlords, and for the most part that is easy. We have no pets, we are very quiet, and we have extremely stable careers.

We also don't smoke... Sort of. Boyfriend has been working this summer job since he was 16 in various positions, and whenever he is there he smokes. It's just how it is. He has quit after every summer, every year, and intends to do so this year as well.

I think that he should put on the application that he doesn't smoke because that will be true when we are living in our new place. We are not in a smoker friendly state and saying that one of us smokes will cut our already limited options by about half. But boyfriend is extremely honest. I love and admire that about him. However at the moment it is frustrating me because he wants to check the "smokes" box on the application and qualify it with the fact that he smokes during the summer and will quit when the summer is over. He does not want to lie. I don't think his intention to quit will be relevant to any potential landlord because a lot of people say they are going to quit and don't. They are already not able to meet him prior to receiving the application due to the summer job, so it isn't like he can explain this in person which might help - he comes across as extremely genuine and authentic because he is. They just have some words on paper to go by and to be honest, if I were in their position it wouldn't hold much weight with me either.

I need some advice. I don't think either of us is right here necessarily (except that he technically is because he wants to do the Right Thing), but we do need to come to an agreement.

tl;dr: Boyfriend wants to disclose to potential landlords that he is a smoker even though it will no longer be true when we are renting their property. I think it is a bad idea.

Posted Jul 15, 2015, 3:40 PM UTC

720
bistod•

Does he smoke at home? If he is only smoking while on the job, such as trying to fit in when everyone else takes a smoke break, then there is no reason to mention to a potential landlord that he smokes.

7
basicallybobOP•

He smokes for about two weeks after summer is over as he gradually cuts down and then quits, and never ever in the house. He has done this every year for about 7 years. He expressed that he would also be concerned about smelling like smoke when he meets the landlord in August while he is in the cutting down period, but I use a vape pen with nicotine and thought he could just use that before we meet the landlord if he needs to curb the cravings. It just feels dishonest to him.

4
squarecoinman•

I am with the boyfriend on this , but you could write a lovely letter to be included in the aplications where you write that boyfriend smokes at his summerjob and not in the house, explain how little it is and that he always stops after teh summer job , but that he is a very honest person and feels that he should inform about his summer habit

6
ThatGuyMiles•

Stopped reading after you said your boyfriend is extremely honest.. That might be the case but is he dumb or suck at reading comprehension? I assume not, so explain to him that this application is asking him if he is going to be smoking in the rental property. If he does not plan on smoking there then do not check smoker. It's literally that simple, if he can not understand that than you might have bigger issues than you are aware of.

6
basicallybobOP•

Kind of dickish to read the post and take away from it that my boyfriend might have problems or be mentally disabled. It isn't a black and white interpretation, check out the response from u/Walkebe if you think it's that simple. Granted he was kind of an asshat about it but his interpretation is equally valid and doesn't make him stupid.

1
_sharkattack•

If he is going to be regularly smoking while at home at any point during the year, he should put that he's a smoker on the application. If "no smoking on the property" is part of the lease, do you really want to risk being evicted because he's seen smoking at home? It's also not fair for other potential tenants who are expecting a smoke-free environment. It doesn't matter that he only smokes for part of the year; if he is going to be smoking on the rental property, he really needs to disclose that on the rental application.

5
basicallybobOP•

He will not be smoking on the rental property at any time.

2
Nobody--Too•

Alter the question until you can answer it truthfully. Change it from "do you smoke?" to "will you smoke cigarettes on the rental property?" then answer no.

I cheerfully edit signing statements all the time. People just roll their eyes, but don't care as long as the edited statement is what they meant.

5
basicallybobOP•

I like this a lot.

1
zorilla24•

Personally I'd check the non-smoking box in this situation.

But be careful about asking someone to compromise their moral code. It can often start a process or erosion of really good qualities. The more you teach someone to rationalize things away, the more they tend to do it.

Perhaps you can check the smoking box and add a note or explanation that shows you are not an actual "smoker" per se. Like an arrow on the application from there saying "at work during summers only" or something?

4
Jani2349•

I'm not sure that one compromise to the moral code always sends somebody tumbling down a slippery slope. But I do agree that we shouldn't pressure people to compromise their morals. The boyfriend cares about being honest, if he feels like he lied on the application, he'll feel guilt and shame over it. And to him, not feeling guilt and shame is more valuable than having more housing options.

3
zorilla24•

Absolutely it doesn't always lead to a slippery slope, you're right. But it could, or it could lead the partner to feel less trust in their partner. I just always say be cautious about doing it.

2
basicallybobOP•

Agreed. I don't want to pressure him so I am also looking for third solutions rather than my way or his way.

2
[deleted]•

[deleted]

1
fluffybunnybutts•

It doesn't matter that he smokes cigarettes occasionally, it matters only if he is smoking in the house, which you should never do.

If he is not going to smoke in the house, check no, end of story.

3
Illicit_Frolicking•

Those applications aren't really asking who you are, they're asking who you will be when you live there. If you had a dog now, but had a different home lined up for them for when you moved, you wouldn't be lying to put "no pets" on the application, because you wouldn't have any pets during the only part of your life that the landlord cares about.

It sounds like this issue is really more one of grammar than anything else. Rental applications are worded in the present tense because it's clearer and shorter than the future tense. Treating it like the future tense isn't lying.

It's good that he feels uncomfortable about lying, but if he really won't be smoking while you live there, then it's really not lying to fill out the application as a non-smoker.

2
joker-lol•

If he's not smoking at home, you don't need to check the box. Explain to him that the point of the box is to determine whether there will be people smoking within the property.

2
Walkebe•

What you are trying to rationalize here is asking your boyfriend to, at best, make a factual misrepresentation on a housing application, and at worse, engage in an outright fraud on a housing application. If your boyfriend is a smoker on the date of the signing of the application then he is a smoker and should sign as such. Your boyfriend is entirely correct, being honest, and you should be fully supportive of his position. Putting any pressure on him about it, will likely cause him moral dillemma and moral discomfort. And, there is something to be said about the psychology of lying, insofar as once one begins to do it, with time, it becomes easier to do. Do you really want your boyfriend to begin to rationalize lying in apparently the same way you do?

-2
basicallybobOP•

There is no need to be be rude. It is not a black and white issue. Just read the replies in this post if you think your interpretation of what saying "no" means is so clear cut.

0
Walkebe•

No, it's only relevant from your perspective, but you are not the person solicitiing information to make a decision, the landlord is. And, from the landlord's perspective, he's trying to weed out the non smokers from the smokers, most likely because all other things being equal amongst multiple candidates , he'd rather rent to non smokers now as opposed to "smokers who are going to quit in August." Why don't you just call them up and ask what they are looking for? Run your mental gymnastics by the landlord and see how it works for you.

You want to sign the application and check the box, fine. But if you are asking your boyfriend to do that, you are putting him in the inenviable position of doing something that he morally disagrees with because you are pressuring him to do so. That will cause him internal conflict. Has anyone you respected and/or loved ever asked you to do something or pressured you do do something that you didn't feel was right? Did you do it? How did you feel afterwards?

1
basicallybobOP•

I have pressured him into nothing. Hell I haven't even really asked him. We have barely talked about it, he's busy in the wilderness doing stuff. I posted here partly because I wasn't sure which interpretation of the application was correct. Considering that the responses are split, neither is anybody else. I know you think you're right so you're going to call it mental gymnastics but it really is not an implausible interpretation of the question.

2