Mod update (rules and the topic of the subreddit)

Hi r/parentlessbychoice!

I wanted to wait as long as possible to set some subreddit rules because having lots of rules might put a threshold where people could end up being unsure on whether or not to post. But I also knew that as we grew, eventually we'd need some rules. Because of some insensitive comments and questionable advice we've seen lately, that moment has arrived. But please don't worry, I don't think you're going to find the rules all that illogical or unclear.

First of all, I'd like to address the topic of this subreddit. The topic here is No Contact (NC) with one or both parents. The topic is NOT Structured Contact (SC) or Low Contact (LC). This subreddit was set up as such because not everybody is ready to decide on No Contact. To some that is a topic they fear even though some might know deep down inside that it's really the only option they have left.

RBN has a policy (or habit) to not recommend NC because not everybody is ready to face up to it as a possibility, much less as the only option they have left. And because not every situation in RBN warrants NC. I applaud that policy and I agree with it but I created this place for:

• People that have arrived at a place in their lives where NC is a realistic option to them.

• People that have come to the conclusion that they no longer have any other realistic option than NC.

• People that already are NC and want to talk about it and/or help others with the feelings that inevitably haunt all of us.

To keep things clear and uncluttered, we're going to ask people that are unsure of whether they want or need to go NC to post in r/raisedbynarcissists and not here. The reason for this is the following rule and general policy that all of you need to be aware of, posters and commenters alike:

Advice to reconnect with parents will be limited to the following scenario only: if the parent in question has gotten serious therapy and if that parent has been in that therapy for a long time (meaning at least 9 months on weekly sessions, not monthly sessions!!!!). If you feel advice to reconnect for reconnecting is warranted despite this condition, what you should do is advice the poster to post to r/raisedbynarcissists because you are unsure their post belongs here. Any deviation from this policy will be subject to a ban.

The reason we're doing this is because this subreddit was set up as a safe haven for people that are or want NC. It needs to be free of advice to "reconnect easily" because most people that arrive here have heard that time and time and time again. You need to assume those people came here because they don't want to hear it again. And if you somehow doubt they can make up their own mind, direct them to r/raisedbynarcissists in case they feel they need broader advice. Again, use the wording in this post. If you don't, you may get banned.

So that's it for our first rule. Please let it be clear that we respect and admire RBN but we're an ally of RBN, not part of the RBN network and this subreddit was created as an addition to it, not an extension of it.

Our second rule is about "tough love". RBN does not allow it as per their "assume a context of abuse" rule. We have that same rule with regard to assuming a context of abuse. This means you should assume people that post here have suffered serious emotional and/or physical (including sexual) abuse. This means, you should not assume their situation is "probably not that bad". If we see anybody do that it will be dealt with harshly.

However we do make one exception to this. People that have been victims of abuse and have been raised by parents with a disorder often have not learned how to prioritize their own health and safety and how to make sure they can make it in life without their parents. "Tough love" is okay if the objective/motive is that OP should wake up, see the reality of their situation and start doing things that will help themselves. Staying in an abusive home because you don't want to leave your cat behind is understandable but if you're being sexually assaulted, beaten or turned in to an ever greater emotional wreck it should probably not be a priority. It's okay to tell people that they will need to make sacrifices in order to survive and have a shot at a good life. It's also okay to point people to things they do that make their own situation worse, such as continuing to engage abusers.

HOWEVER! It is never okay to blame a victim of abuse for the situation they live in. NEVER. Doing so will also result in a ban.

I know this text is pretty harsh but please know it probably wasn't written for most of you. As far as I've seen, most of you have plenty of common sense and would have arrived at these rules just fine on your own. But it needs to be written down in order to be able to deal with those people that don't understand these rules, don't want to understand them or don't care to follow them. So relax, we still don't bite :)

If you have any questions or concerns about this, please leave a comment below or - if you don't want to comment publicly - leave a message for the moderators via this link.

As a final remark, I appreciate all of you that post and comment! Please do not stop doing that, you are what makes this place work and we absolutely know this!

-zenhamster & mods