Source
r/Drugs•
rmbrworstbehavior

Suicide Tuesday, MDMA's Dark Side

I spread my doses apart. Last dose was 4 months ago. Had a great roll on 150mg.

This weekend, kept pushing for it. Prob did 500mg total. Just stayed up for 2 days straight, feeling speedy, and chatty . . . but nowhere near rolling. My friends said I'm being "Too critical of my high", but I know what a roll is, and this wasn't it.

I always test my shit, so it's not that. Same brown crystals I always see and use, from the same guy.

I figure, maybe my time is up. I've heard of people losing the magic, but after being so responsible, kind of shocked by this outcome (not that 500mg is responsible, but hardly anything to the horror stories that are out there).

Felt alright until today. Today is dark. Ruminating thoughts over and over in my head, lonely, completely sick of the thought of any drugs. Oddly enough, I've had comedowns way worse than this. I've had terrible brain zaps, literally falling to my knees, running into walls, for a good two weeks. A total mess.

This time, it's not like that. It's nowhere near as bad . . . but mentally, it's the darkest come down I've had. I keep feeling lonely. That's something I haven't REALLY felt in years. Motivation is non existant, focus is impossible, enjoyment from normal activity, a laughable concept.

I know I'll get through this . . . but I almost feel like hanging up my hat and saying goodbye to my girl Molly.

Just thinking out loud.

Right now just listening to my favorite music and keeping busy.

Tell me your stories. Need to hear them right now.

Posted Aug 12, 2015, 3:38 AM UTC

321
kingofalqaeda•

the last time i did mdma i had a similar feeling like this. i took about 200mg and as soon as it started to hit me i just started feeling lonely and like i was coming down. but i still could feel the rolling feeling. i laid in my bed for 3 hours staring at the ceiling trying to decide wether i wanted to end my time with molly. That was about 2 months ago now i feel back to normal and happier than ever

4
rmbrworstbehaviorOP•

One thing that's bothering me is I'm really missing my friends, as we were all hanging out.

So odd, because the last roll, I had such an afterglow, I didnt miss my friends, was just happy I got to spend that time with them. This is such an odd and shitty comedown.

1
staygroovy_•

Last night i just rolled harder then i ever have on 200mg, but i think im done. I successfully got the high i was looking for, and i dont want to experience it again, so i can always remember the feeling it gave me and I'll always keep it

3
[deleted]•

There's like bags of Serotonin stored in our brains so when our normal serotonin levels are down, they are like a reinforcement, one of the things that happens to heavy MDMA users is that they use all those bags, and didn't wait until those neurotransmitters recover, so, it is normal to feel deppressed after a MDMA dose, don't worry, you'll be fine, don't abuse it; prolonge your dosis-dosis time; it will be better that way.

2
Low_Pro_Ho•

Yep, that's Suicide Tuesday. I get it so bad I rarely roll...haven't done MDMA since 2010 actually.

Only you can decide whether the after-effects are worth the good bits. I try to save it for occasions that are already special and do it no more than once a year. That depressed feeling is wretched and can be dangerous if you already suffer from depression.

Benzos and other downers have an even worse effect on my mood and cognition :\

2
rmbrworstbehaviorOP•

Oddly enough I ended up taking a Xanax last night and so glad I did. Calmed my senses and helped me sleep.

If I don't get a roll next time, then I'm probably done with MDMA forever. Which I'm okay with. I have amazing memrories on that drug, more than any other. Going to try again 6 months from now.

1
melatoninpusher•

Oddly enough, I've had comedowns way worse than this. I've had terrible brain zaps, literally falling to my knees, running into walls, for a good two weeks. A total mess.

This sounds like you used to abuse it pretty heavily.

1
rmbrworstbehaviorOP•

I could see why you think that. This was actually an explanation of my second time doing it, MANY years ago. Had absolutely no clue what I was doing. Did ALOT in one night at a fest.

After that point I researched it more and learned how to do it. Pushing it to 500mg in one night this weekend was the farthest I've pushed it in a long long long time.

In fact, my friends give me shit because they're binging on it all weekend, and I'm the guy who just does it one day, and refuses to do it the rest of the weekend.

So no. No real abuse has happened . . . uninformed mistakes have though.

If you want to talk about abuse, then I'll tell you about my 3 week bender on cocaine ;-)

However, I've stuck to the every 3-4 month rule pretty damn strictly.

At this point, I plan to give it 6 months, and even then, I'm very unsure about how I even feel about that at this point. We shall see.

Chatting is already making me feel quite a bit better.

1
melatoninpusher•

I don't see why you would "push" you dosage for MDMA at all? More is not better. Once you are there, you are there, IMHO.

1
rmbrworstbehaviorOP•

Figured maybe it was cut? Didn't roll . . . caught up in the moment? Trying to get a roll going?

Let's not act like a lot of us haven't been there. ::shrug::

This is more about the comedown though than accusations of abuse.

1
melatoninpusher•

It's more of a general question. I'm just trying to understand why people do this.

I can kind of understand people upping their dosages of things like LSD, shrooms, stimulants, cannabis, etc. in order to experience something new and maybe different at those higher dosages.

But MDMA never struck me as that kind of drug.

1
Rena1-•

I feel this way without MDMA. Wish better time come for you.

1
ErdeTyrene•

No ones really asked you and you didn't specify in your post, are you using supplements while your rolling on md and also the days/weeks after?

1
rmbrworstbehaviorOP•

Yha I do actually. 5htp and lots of b vitamins.

In fact I'm a bit terrified of how I would feel if I wasn't doing those things. Today I feel much better but very sleepy and not 100%.

Way less dark though.

1
Kordesii•

Check out some movies. Stardust is a really great fairytale like story that doesn't touch on any uncomfortable topics (at least in my opinion).

1
Xx1R349ZxX•

Went through a half gram Saturday night to Sunday morning. Monday was fine, yesterday (tuesday) was my first real suicide tuesday. It fucking sucked. Wednesdays here and I'm feeling absolutely fine again. Oh the joys of Mandy haha

1
rmbrworstbehaviorOP•

Lol same story here.

I'm feeling much better today. Tuesday took me to some dark places though. I wonder if that's what people with depression feel like every day? It must be awful

1
Xx1R349ZxX•

I'd read about it but never actually experienced it, the same with the comedown. Whenever I've been on Mandy I just get to the point where the night/day is over (when all of my friends have gone) so go and hide away in my bed and go to sleep. Read so many stories about people that can't sleep on the stuff but some how I manage too even when I'm buzzing and gurning my face off haha.

1
rmbrworstbehaviorOP•

Oh I absolutely cannot sleep on it, but I don't try to. I like the feeling of staying awake all night (guess I'm weird).

1
Xx1R349ZxX•

Ahh I only do it on weekends and not very often. But when I do its a whole, friday work from 8am till 5pm then start at 8pm keep going saturday 3pm (sleep). Then wake up and get right back on it untill sunday when I stay up till around 8pm and then sleep till 7am monday morning all ready for work! Well thats how this weekend went haha. Most go the same way! p.s excuse all grammar/spelling etc. I really cba go through it all right now. Oh I am sober btw.

1