Major slip-up but fighting back...
Well as the title says, I fell back into the rabbit hole, no doubt about it. I have been getting high for over a week...maybe 2? I honestly don't even know how long its been as I've been on and off of a looooong nod for quite some time. The whole day went by yesterday and I only recall going one place, the rest is blurry. I can sit here and explain why I did it but it wouldn't make a difference so I'll just say I played with fire and got burnt--I just can't take opiates for their municipal value no matter how much they help; all the self control in the world couldn't help me with that. They have had too much of an impact on my reward & pleasure pathways for me to control my urges. But of course I already knew this and took the risk anyway.
I should probably add that I was mostly taking extracts but extremely powerful ones and I went so far as to cop one night because I ran out and the headshops were closed. Good thing the pharmacies were also closed as well because I would have been over there in a heart beat buying a 10-pack of 30guages. So, I know this isn't really kratom-relavent but I dont really like the r/opiates forum as much--there's too many people there, haha. Plus I've gotten more helpful information on r/quittingkratom than any treatment program I've ever been too. Thank you all for your support and help (especially you, BBB!)
Anyway, so I'm going out to dinner with my parents and sister tomarrow night for my 28th birthday and to celebrate me doing great and getting accepted into a major university and turning my life around and this and that....I can imagine you know how awkward this is going to be for me. I feel terrible for letting them all down. I mean, I'm not going to tell them about my relapse but I'll still feel guilty--and I suppose I should for being so fucking selfish.
Today is my first day sober but I'm not really sure how to go about this. I felt terrible this morning but managed to curb most of the withdrawals (80%) with 10mg of methadone. I have been on and off maintenance drugs in the past and refuse to take the methadones for more than 5 days tops so I need to figure out a plan before I run out (I only have a couple more.). I dont want subs either or trams or anything opiate-like that will just prolong the withdrawals but I also start classes monday so I cant be sick as hell during school either. I was thinking maybe just finish out what methadones I have and then switch to the leaf for a week or so and then quit so that the withdrawals will be manageable. On the other hand, maybe I should quit during the first week since I probably wont have major homework assignments or tests during the first week? I'm a 3rd year student though so I might. What do you guys think? I feel like I could handle taking like 1-2grams of leaf as long as I dont feel that opiate buzz, it shouldn't make me want to take more. Or should I try the S&V? I've never used that method before....
I can't believe I'm making a post like this again after all the progress I've made. I'm sure a few of you have noticed though as I dont really go online much when I'm getting high. Normal things that I find pleasure in are not fun while I'm high so it's pretty obvious when I fall off the bandwagon--I'm not fooling anybody, haha. Well, the struggle continues so here we go again. Hopefully it will stick this time...
Posted Aug 29, 2015, 7:34 PM UTC
Listen, you don't own the market on fuck-ups……we all have a share (even the people who deny they do) just chalk it up to a great big fucking oopsy daisy and carry on with your life…..
You still deserve all of the accolades that you'll get tomorrow. And you have now also learned a HUGE lesson in all of this mess…..even ONE isn't possible for some of us. I am in that camp myself. I am not going to cry about it---but I won't let drugs fuck up my future either.
IDK about using anymore anything to be honest……maybe allowing yourself to really, really FEEL the withdrawals might be an excellent idea? as opposed to getting hooked on kratom again.
Here's the thing----how are you even SURE that there WILL be many days of WD's at this point? there may simply be a few uncomfortable days…..3 or 4 tops……and the risk of getting right back in the thick of it is going to be ever present (and growing stronger) the more days you allow yourself to dose on something. Even for comfort reasons rather than for getting high.
You just don't want that now……the timing with school looming so close in your future…..it just seems like a risky proposition, you know?
Why not let it roll out how it will ? and remind yourself intently that you do NOT want to feel like this the rest of your life.
I am super proud of you for making this post. It took a great deal of courage. You are going to succeed jaybox6…..I just know you are. Happy Birthday, too ! :-)
Thanks! It's actually on the 1st of the month so I still have time to climb out of the hole, lol.
Yeah, I'm pretty sure I'll have to go through full-blown withdrawals again because even on 10mg of methadone, I still feel withdrawals. I know 10mg isnt a high dose but its high enough that if someone were on it for a good amount of time and jumped off at 10, they would most definitely feel withdrawals. As for PAWS though, I might not have to experience that again but I'm pretty sure the acute part is going to suck. I would just rather extend it a few days and it be manageable than dive right in (this would usually be my option of choice but I'm worried about school and not being able to function). This morning was a rough one...
Well I sure wish you well no matter which route you take !