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r/breakingmom•
34F

Am I just a bitch or is this tacky (why not both?) (wedding rant)

advice/question

We just received a twice-forwarded email save the date for the wedding of my husband's cousin. So I'm not totally convinced that we're actually invited to this thing, but whatever. There is almost no chance we'll go: it's an 8-hour drive and kids aren't invited (which is fine, I don't blame them for wanting that, but we don't have to attend).

So I was perusing the wedding website and I decided to check out the registry. OK so there's some pretty standard shit on Bed Bath and Beyond, great. Then there's a $1,000 laptop, which I find odd but maybe people do that? Whatever. Then I get to the honeymoon registry. First of all there's a whole smug spiel about how they want to have an exciting honeymoon instead of "just sitting at a resort somewhere." So I click on this and you can buy "shares" of different experiences that they have exhaustively spelled out - $50 shares towards their plane ticket, $30 shares towards two nights in a certain hotel, shares for rental cars, food budget, specific activities, etc. It's ridiculous. Is this really a thing now? And what happens if they only get half the honeymoon paid for. Can they afford to make up the difference? Are someone's parents fronting the money? Do people actually buy other people part of a hotel room for one night as a wedding present?

I feel like a crotchety old lady right now screaming "we didn't do this in my day! We took our towels and our wine glasses and we liked it!" But I actually don't mind giving them money to do whatever they want with, something about the specificity of this is really annoying me.

Posted Sep 1, 2015, 12:14 PM UTC

5089
MadamNerdI'm not like a regular mom, I'm a cool mom•

I think it's tacky to have BOTH a regular registry (wtf with the laptop though?) and a honeymoon registry. It seems greedy.

45
Whizzzel•

I think I may be able to explain the laptop thing. A lot of places will give you a coupon after your event date to purchase the remaining items in your registry. But only for items in your registry. If someone buys it, it's great but if not, you can buy the item you may need for yourself and were planning to get anyway at a discounted price. I know a few people who add things like TVs or appliances to baby shower registry's just to get the coupons. Of course they tell people not to actually buy those things but it still works.

19
medievaleaglewhat I wouldn't give for some fucking sleep!•

Agreed. Weddings are insane. I payed 2000 total for my wedding and a celebration dinner (8.5 months pregnant, no reception) and it was perfect. Our wedding rings were $10 each off eBay. My dress was $110 on eBay. And I wore flip flops in February. Our honeymoon? We spent a weekend at a bed and breakfast and went to movies and ate out and played laser tag. Perfect.

16
MadamNerdI'm not like a regular mom, I'm a cool mom•

That's awesome! The SO and I have discussed getting married and we are both totally okay with a courthouse ceremony. The most expensive thing for us will be the marriage license (around $100 here in TN). I'm thinking for a honeymoon we'll go to the tourist town 20 minutes from us for a weekend and have my mom take care of the baby while we are there.

2
anaxiphilia•

Why have I never thought to eBay wedding rings?! My husband wants a different band which doesn't offend me in the least but we're cheapskates. Thanks for the idea :) we had a super cheap wedding too! 10/10 probably would have preferred to elope though.

1
dietotakui need to start drinking•

A wedding registry I understand - people want to give you the household necessities you may be lacking (throwback from when people moved straight from their parents' house to the marital house) and they need to know what you need. But a honeymoon registry? Never heard of it and sounds greedy as fuck. I'm offering a gift to help get your new home life started, not send you on your dream vacation.

2†
MadamNerdI'm not like a regular mom, I'm a cool mom•

That whole thing about not wanting to just "sit around" at a resort irks me too. A) If you can't afford more than that, choose a cheaper honeymoon, maybe by picking somewhere closer to home and B) I think just sitting around at a resort would be amazing. I'd be kicked back with some wine the entire time.

7
kayemgiAll the wine please.•

That's what we did and it was awesome AF. We usually take go-go-go vacations, sightseeing and such, and decided for our honeymoon we wanted to actually relax, having just planned a wedding. We sat on our asses on a Jamaican beach or in the resort pool for six days and had drinks brought to us all day long. It was THE BEST.

4
handcuffedhousewife•

Right?! We asked for towels, kitchen stuff, and gift cards for any local hardware/home improvement stores. I even thought asking for gift cards was borderline tacky, but we really didn't need much and I would have felt like an asshole screaming "gimme money".

0
NotEnoughSprinkles•

I agree with the others who said one registry or the other, not both. Nowadays, with people moving out of their parents' house and living on their own, or even couples moving in together, people don't need the traditional registry with dishes and towels and stuff. The honeymoon registry makes great sense to me. As a wedding guest, I'd rather pay for part of a plane ticket than buy a crockpot. At least, I know my money would be going toward something they'd enjoy. But I still think more than one registry is kind of greedy.

39
eastwoodhs•

In defense of multiple registries - I went to college in a bigger city & liked things from those stores. I knew my college friends would & could order online and ship stuff from that store. However, my family from a small town could only afford stuff from a different store, and they would never order online. Hence, two different stores. Also about the laptop - sometimes couples register for things they know they won't get because they'll receive a completion discount from the store.

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Flewtea•

Oh, I'd have no problem with registries at multiple stores. But I would have a problem with the implication here that you should purchase both a gift for their wedding AND the honeymoon. I think a honeymoon registry is a great idea if you've already been living together and basically have everything you need for the home. Just....pick one.

4
Been_there-Wed_that•

I don't think the implication is that you use both, but that you can chose. Maybe you don't want to buy them a toaster but like the idea of funding a snorkeling excursion.

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NotEnoughSprinkles•

Ahhh, that makes sense!

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stephylynne9•

This doesn't make any sense. If someone is registered at 2 different stores I don't buy a gift from each place. Why is a honeymoon registry any different?

5
Flewtea•

I guess to me it feels like a separate event. Like a baby registry and a wedding registry would. And I do think it would feel a bit tacky under some circumstances by itself. The idea behind registries is to get you thing you need so if you ostensiblyare in a position to need things and ask for frivolous things instead, it would feel strange. But if you really do have everything you need and are listing the honeymoon as a "if you feel like helping us out" I don't think I'd find it odd.

1
eastwoodhs•

Ahhh!! See I didn't feel that a gift to both registries was implied. Maybe I missed that part. ...I have seen honeymoon registries where folks donated towards an excursion. I feel like that's better than chipping in for the airfare, lol! I also don't like the idea of paying for a honeymoon, but I'd be happy to chip in for a spa while you're on a honeymoon!

2
Flewtea•

I guess I feel like money is money. If I pay for a spa day, I saved you money to out towards airfare or vice versa. If I'm mistaken about that implication, then I have no issue with both.

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maijapapaya•

We actually did both. Since we had a house (and, therefore, most of the necessary "house stuff,") what we really wanted was a honeymoon. My family is close-knit, casual, and not easily offended, so I felt completely comfortable sharing a honeymoon registry with them. They thought it was great, and a few people specifically commented that they were glad to be part of something we were excited about, rather than just buying some boring house stuff. Hubby's family is more into tradition and gift-giving etiquette, and his mom strongly suggested that people would want a traditional registry, and would not be impressed with the idea of a honeymoon registry. So we did a registry at a major department store as well.

But we would never have expected anyone to do both. We relied on family (mostly my mom and MIL) to pass on information about our registries, and trusted their judgement to do so in a way that wouldn't offend anyone.

4
letlisagoblind•

We did both too, and it was a pretty even split. About half of the people wanted to buy us stuff and half wanted to contribute to the honeymoon. And some people were just judgey about it because you can't please everyone.

I actually had fun writing the thank you cards for the Honeyfund because I got to share stories from Iceland. And being 'funded' pushed us to try activities we may not have done otherwise.

3
SansPantsAfterWork•

I have heard of it before, but not seen it done myself. I think the mindset is that lots of older people don't want to give money, they want to give gifts, and so if you specify that you "bought us a plane ticket", it will feel more like a gift rather than random cash. However I can't imagine those same old people shopping online so.... not sure if it would pan out that way. She'll still probably end up with 30 crockpots.

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Been_there-Wed_that•

This is exactly why this has become a thing. You basically just get the cash and can use it on whatever, but the guest get the warm and fuzzies. Personally, where I'm from the tradition for wedding gifts is to give cash, so it's an unnecessary thing for us. We really only do registries for the shower. But in other places where cash is culturally not the thing to give, this has become the new trend.

9
34FOP•

Yeah maybe most people would prefer feeling like they're giving a specific present, even if it's just part of an experience. I think we'll be "old fashioned" and just write them a check lol.

3
silence_has_fallen•

For the laptop I know that some places like target will give you a 10% off coupon for everything that's left on your registry after your wedding shower thing. My sister did that with a TV thinking no one would buy it for her, and she would use the coupon to get it.

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34FOP•

That's a good point, and we did stuff like that too. Except that they have a link to Best Buy and the only thing listed is the laptop. Which you can also buy shares of.

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CairnwynOne miniature drama queen•

Eh, I wouldn't get my panties snarled over this. I can totally see how this could totally reasonably happen. Like, maybe the established couple wanted a honeymoon registry but one of the moms or grandmas pitched a fit about people wanting to buy stuff from a real store and watch them open real things, so they did the BB&B registry thing too. I think the honeymoon registry itself is seen as less tacky than flat out asking for cash, and that way you have something tangible to "thank" someone for in the card (not just "thanks for the cash -- it was super useful!" over and over on every thank you card, but "thank you for the $30 share of our flight. We had great seats and wonderful service. blah, blah"). The laptop. I've seen a lot of guys put an expensive electronic item on their registries with the thought that the groomsmen will all chip in together for one big "cool" item, or if they get a lot of gift cards to that location, they can then buy the laptop with their 10-20% off coupon for the end of their registry.

A lot of weird family dynamics go into weddings. I'm always inclined to give the benefit of the doubt whenever possible, and give what I feel inclined regardless of the weirdness of the registries.

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dietotakui need to start drinking•

I didn't have to ask anyone for cash. We didn't need anything so we didn't do a registry at all - people could bring or not bring whatever they wanted, and 99% of them just threw $100 in an an envelope. We paid bills with it (no honeymoon because 10mo).

2
CairnwynOne miniature drama queen•

I went super cheap for my wedding too, but we did marry "out of our parents' homes", so the normal registry and gifts were very much needed and greatly appreciated (with proper and prompt thank-you notes to go with them). I didn't put even a hint of gifts in our invitations and refused to invite anyone to the shower who wasn't on the wedding list. I think we had around 80 guests, most of them family. Made all the food ourselves, did the flowers ourselves, bought a cheap dress, no booze -- very economical. But I don't judge folks for doing it different. Weddings get weird. Better just to ignore the weirdness and be gracious about it than try to figure out why people decided to be weird.

2
missnewreddit•

Okay, so we're the people that did both - a regular registry and a honeymoon registry. I often see people register at multiple places (BBB, Target, Amazon, etc.) so it doesn't seem different to me. I didn't have a lot of items on our "traditional" registry because we were already living together in a one-bedroom, furnished apartment with little to no storage space. I put on towels, linens, cookware, the kinda stuff you can always use some of. Otherwise, the honeymoon registry was a way to quantify "items" that people could feel like they were giving instead of writing a check. We were actually gifted $1,100 towards the honeymoon through the registry which certainly helped us have an amazing experience.

11
p_iynx•

In my experience, people who do a "traditional" registry and a honeymoon one are giving people who feel uncomfortable with a money gift (the honeymoon registry) an alternate gift guide. The thing I find WTF is the laptop. That's tacky. But yeah, it's a thing now to do both. At least in my area, lots of people register at two places.

10
34FOP•

They're actually registered at 4 places! I guess it just seems weird to itemize it. Like, I don't need to know that you plan to spend $80 on a rental car for two days, you know?

1
p_iynx•

It's to seem more like a gift and less like asking for money. Like "your gift will be a massage for us!" or "your gift could help send us on a horseback tour". It's so that the gifters feel more like they're giving an actual gift. :)

3
liabenn•

Every wedding I've been too in the past two years has had a honeyfund and a registry or just a honeyfund. I purchased a zip lining trip for one of my friends from her honeyfund. A lot of my friends have had plumfunds for their baby showers too.

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34FOP•

I had to look up plumfund! So I guess it's just a different way to give cash?

2
liabenn•

Yah, I guess some people prefer giving it when they know exactly what the plan for the money is and not that it just won't sit in a bank. I don't know, of course there is no guarantee the money will be used for that anyways. One girl I knew who did it had a large deductible and bought all her baby items used so she only wanted cash to pay for that and another girl was moving overseas a few months after her baby was born. I've seen it be very tasteful but of course tacky people will do them too. An acquaintance did one because she only wanted baby items from some ritzy eco-friendly boutique in San Francisco and wanted to make it "easier" for people. She basically said she would refuse all other gifts if they weren't from this store because it would go against her environmental friendly beliefs or some bullcrap.

4
lady_skendichthreenager, no I'm pretty sure she's actually a demon•

We just went through this and it's totally a thing now! They had fancy candles and overpriced kitchen gear in their registry (I was taught that they should be simple basics) plus the honeymoon site. Apparently it's the thing people do now :/ It definitely feels grabby (considering that many people will just give you money anyway, which you can use for the honeymoon if you'd like). It probably makes it worse that this happened recently for the daughter of person we sort of know from church, so not even someone I'd call a "friend" more a "church acquaintance". We've only gone to this church for 4.5 years, and all the other ladies at the church giving gifts (this was at the bridal shower, before we had to get a second gift for the wedding itself) had clearly watched this girl grow up, whereas I've never even met her o_O The only reason I'm not getting too ruffled over it is because the same ladies at church worked with our priest's wife to make sure I had a baby shower since I know NO one in our area and family is super important in our religion. I think they kind of assume if you're part of the community you "know" people even if you don't know them.

TL;DR wedding etiquette has changed and the whole industry is getting very over-fluffed and grabby IMO :(

8
p_iynx•

If you bring a present to the shower, you aren't obligated to bring a second to the wedding BTW. The point of the shower is (or at least used to be) for gifts, so that most people didn't have to bring presents with them to the party (and so the couple doesn't have to worry about gifts being stolen the venue or having to pack them home if they're heading to their honeymoon). Just so you know!

Edit: maybe this is just in my area. Huh.

6
[deleted]•

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4
dietotakui need to start drinking•

Well fuck proper etiquette, that is disgustingly greedy. You get ONE "congrats on getting married" gift from me, not a fucking parade. What's next, engagement party gifts? Fiancee showers? One gift for each month the couple dated?

4
Been_there-Wed_that•

Actually, where I am from you would bring a gift to the engagement party. Basically the gifts increase in size, with the engagement party being something small like a frame, the shower gift being like a toaster or something off the registry and then cash at the wedding.

4
justsomemammalMOMBIE•

Apparently engagement party gifts are a thing now, and people are gross about those too. Here is a direct quote from a google chat with a friend who I really want to stop being friends with about her engagement party:

It costs £2 to send each thank you note

That's $3

Some people only gave us $10 and they get a $5 thank you (plus $30 worth of food person and free alcohol at the party)

3
[deleted]•

[deleted]

2
lady_skendichthreenager, no I'm pretty sure she's actually a demon•

Amen...unfortunately I think we're in the minority :/

2
p_iynx•

That's so dumb! The point of the shower is to be the time for gifts. Argkfksksb. I'll make it clear if I can in my wedding stuff that people aren't expected to bring anything haha. Thank you for the info!

2
heartohio•

Ok stepping up here.

I totally did this. What we wanted most was money. We had been living together for several years and did not need new sheets. We wanted a vacation we totally couldn't afford (right or wrong, that's what we wanted). To me, it's just a fun way of asking for cash which many people are happy to give anyway. Personally I think it would be more fun to donate to that "exotic ride on a camel!" than send $50 in a card.

Some people would rather have a gift to bring to a wedding, from a brick and mortar store, so we also registered at Macy's. My grandma doesn't know how to use the Internet.

I appreciated all the gifts, did not expect people to give any particular thing and had a great time on my honeymoon.

8
theladygeologist•

Totally agree! I would argue that most things on traditional registries are things a couple can't afford, like fancy wine glasses and expensive towels and specialty appliances. Why should a vacation be any different?

I'm not married. Someday when we do have a wedding, I don't even get a registry of any kind or showers because all the uptight bitches won't think it's appropriate.

4
orangethingI just work here y'all•

I don't agree with a honeymoon fund and a registry. Especially if one includes expensive and traditionally non-essential items (laptop). Thst combined with the eternally forwarded email makes it feel gift grabby.

7
megnolia84Gentle. Gentle! GENTLE! ...you probably deserved that. •

It does seem extreme. And I totally don't get the honeymoon thing. The closest I have ever seen was a bridal shower where you could contribute a donation in a jar toward a special excursion on the honeymoon...but not plane tickets and stuff

We had a few big ticket things on our registry...for the completion discount. But we waited until the week before the wedding to add them to try and make it clear that we didn't intend for anyone to buy them for us. We just wanted that 15% off! This doesn't sound like that situation.

6
brmoraisinsdelight2 little girls, 1 'what you doing, mummy?' and 1 snoozy boozer.•

We've got 2 upcoming weddings and both have honeymoon gift requests, just a simple cash donation to the cost of it. One a few years ago was similar to the one you describe where you bought 'experiences' for them on their honeymoon. Eg moonlit beach massage etc.

I suppose they may have a regular gift register for those traditional people who like giving physical gifts and a honeymoon fund for those who are happy to do that and don't expect both? Maybe rather than being grabby they feel like they're giving people options?

5
sleepsonrocks•

We did a small wedding registry and since our honeymoon involved a pretty distant trip we did put some things on the registry for our trip like a climbing rope, backpack and double sleeping bag. But we didn't need a lot of the traditional stuff so really we added that stuff to flesh out the registry and because our friends would rather buy us that than like pots and pans. TL;DR i'm tacky!!

5
bonjourtabby1 baby boy born 12/2014•

A double sleeping bag is a pretty adorable wedding gift! I think the registry reflects the couple, and not everyone wants/needs pots and pans.

3
sleepsonrocks•

I mean, basically whoever bought us those was buying us the gift of tent sex, so it's pretty much the best wedding gift ever!

2
liabenn•

I don't think it's tacky, some people need a little of both. I like having the option of not having to buy a china set and knowing someone is off on their honeymoon having fun.

2
34FOP•

Lol I don't think it's tacky to register for stuff like that, I really think it's the tone that they wrote a lot of it with that I find annoying.

1
dietotakui need to start drinking•

see i'm way more comfortable with buying you a tent or a backpack off your wedding registry than "shares for a plane ticket to bali!" off a honeymoon registry. for one, it's a physical object, and for another it's something that you can use beyond the honeymoon. if someone just came up to me and said "give me money for my honeymoon!" i'd be like "...no, that's on you. if you can't afford your own honeymoon, you don't get one, just like the rest of us poor folk."

1
sleepsonrocks•

Heh yeah the plane ticket thing I find weird. Like, maybe I can get behind 'buying a massage on the beach' or other experiential things because its kind of a fun way to be involved in their honeymoon. But the plane ticket? That should definitely be on them!

2
cmcg1227•

Some people have a problem just "giving money" and want to buy the couple something specific, so they feel that by buying these "shares" they are buying the couple "something" and feel better about it. I would strongly doubt that if the honeymoon doesn't get "funded" that they would not go, its just to help defray the costs.

5
Dartmouthy•

Agreed! This is what we did. We lived together, in our 30s, a couple DINKS (dual income no kids). We created a honeymoon registry only to help offset costs of things we'd planed. Worked great with the old folks who don't like the idea of giving cash. That said, we only had the 1 registry.

2
IGotYourMaam•

Nowadays, a lot of couples live together before they're married. They have sheets. They have cups and forks and a microwave. A honeymoon fund is a new way to give gift to the couple without buying them something they don't need. But it needs to be one or the other. Either a traditional registry OR a honey-fund. Doing both is gift grabby.

4
missnewreddit•

Older folks and family members want to have the gift opening experience. They like going to the store. That's the only reason I put some necessities on a traditional registry. We were already living together with very limited storage space.

I don't see the big deal about having two different types of registries - you're giving people an option, not asking for both. And either way, you still have people who buy you stuff not on either one! I had fun making the honeymoon registry regardless. I appreciated all the gifts we received, whatever form they came in.

6
bonjourtabby1 baby boy born 12/2014•

I think the deal with the honeymoon registry is to make you feel like you're getting them something specific. No I didn't just give you $50, I got you a third of a night in that hotel! Maybe people think it seems like less of a cash grab than just asking for money for the honeymoon?

3
34FOP•

Yeah it's interesting that I feel the opposite, but it seems like I might be in the minority on that!

1
stephylynne9•

So that seems totally normal to me. We had both a honeymoon registry and a regular one and this was years ago! Sometimes people register at multiple places because so and so group of relatives live in fill in the blank rural place where they only have such and such store. So to avoid family drama you register there too. Also, the people who bought us experiences off the honeymoon registry loved it. We took pictures of what we did and sent them if they bought us something specific. Some of them still bring it up! Anyway, if you're not close, you live far away, and you're not attending the wedding I would just send something small if you get an actual wedding invite. And I wouldn't send anything if you don't.

3
dietotakui need to start drinking•

what the FUCK is with all the downvotes in this thread?

3
sleepsonrocks•

People feel very strongly about registries, I guess! :)

2
themeebIt isn't Uh Oh if you did it on purpose•

I think it's weird. But, they probably saw it in a wedding planning magazine and figured it's how it's done nowadays.

2