Source
r/OCPoetry•
vaxxvirus

Memories

Feedback Received!

I remember waking with love thick in my lungs
you know, maybe that’s what makes this so hard

memories

there was the time when i first heard this,
this kind of music.
i said to you, something like
‘is this music or poetry?
it speaks to me but so quietly
i can hear the emotion, this is new to me’
i think that’s what i want
can you hear my shaky heartbeat?

i remember a cozy seat on the bus
it was a long ride, i sank back and lost track
of the time, my head was filled with beautiful images
your lips, touch, smile, watching your favorite movie
i knew we wouldn’t finish but that was okay
we could just hold one another

hindsight says i didn’t give you much, it was all taking
i wanted to keep experiencing you
but what did i give?

i still have these memories, most just simple things

you were lying there so beautiful that day
hoping i would think you were asleep
your eyes fluttered and it gave you away
still, the light flooded the room
something special filled my heart
the same love i woke up with in me sometimes
i was awake and dreaming

soon there was our first kiss
it was the kind of moment that never fades
the kind that lights up the world
i like thinking when i hear the birds in the morning,
that maybe they saw and they’re singing
singing a song about a beautiful love blooming
maybe they remember that moment

or maybe they have a different tune
this time the little bluebirds
(your favorite color, naturally)
the bluebirds would sing about our last moments together

the time we held hands with our hearts so full we could burst
lying in the grass with the dew on our backs
we looked silly but we didn’t care
to us love of others couldn’t compare

i remember when we had a rough time,
i went to the hospital
your mind was full, your heart stormy
and i swear to god until then i didn’t know lonely

but that, that was nothing
you fell in love again, it was a new light
see, i was burning low
and you needed to see

memories now

it came back soon
your heart was confused but fate helped you along

i remember when i went to take you away
we ran away together like our dreams

it seems so long ago now, but the memories
they still mean everything to me

i remember the feeling of thinking you were gone forever
fear and uncertainty ruled my life
no path to take and no life to live
love conquers all, as they say
it wasn’t going to be long
you would run into my arms
we’d kiss
i’d sing you a song

i should sleep now, it’s late
cassie has school in the morning,
and i’m taking you on a surprise date
we’re going out to the lake

look, you’re stirring
i remember when you couldn’t sleep
now i run my fingers through your hair
sing songs in low whispers,
and your little ocean eyes flutter shut
flutter like the little bluebirds

i already wrote through the night, they’re singing now
i’ll leave you this note, just be ready and remember now
remember how you felt when you saw me then

https://www.reddit.com/r/OCPoetry/comments/41i0wp/the_girl_with_the_brown_c ape_coat/ https://www.reddit.com/r/OCPoetry/comments/41ad0f/marijuanic_poetry/

Posted Jan 18, 2016, 1:38 PM UTC · edited

39
xenaismyspiritanimal•

I really enjoyed this because I can see how your method of writing is very similar to mine. This feels very loose, like a first draft with a lot of cuts that you can make to it to make it more poignant. It can be difficult to really get your message across in so many words. Don't get me wrong, I adore long poems, but there are some sort of fuzzy parts where chopping some words out will really help give your poem more focus.

2
vaxxvirusOP•

I need to edit, the lines didn't break properly. Sorry about that, update me after. TIL the reddit formatting guidelines

1
heron27•

I think it's also potential to be turned into a song if you could reproduce the idea and recall the emotions.

2
vaxxvirusOP•

I certainly can recall, but I haven't the first clue about how to make it a song.

2
gwrgwir•

I think your narrative is good, but the piece as a whole is slightly rambling. I'd recommend another edit for punctuation and capitalization (if you plan to use either/both, be consistent throughout).

Generally solid first draft. Keep on writing.

2
vaxxvirusOP•

Thank you. Just so you know, that was sort of the point. Sad rambling made poetic.

If you don't mind my asking, what sort of mood did you get from this?

1
gwrgwir•

Starting: regret bordering on desperation; ending: resignation bordering on suicidal ideation.

1
vaxxvirusOP•

Interesting... I think I should consider tone more in future writing. Thanks for your input.

1
vaxxvirusOP•

I wrote this a year ago. I realized my relationship was going to fall apart, and I got the idea. I wrote this after, like denial. It was supposed to be like future me flashing back. I was pretending we would have a future together. I'm not so depressed about it now, but the context might help you understand the content.

1