The Girl with the Brown Cape Coat
[REVISED] Original post at the bottom. I now added two different structures of the revised version to see which the critics would enjoy more. As preface, this was originally written in a journal in letter format. I broke it into lines because I wanted to see what the reddit community thought. I got one criticism saying that if I didn't want to keep it in letter format, at least make the lines longer, so that it resembles a letter more. I tried both. (Please let me know what you think!)
To The Girl with the Brown Cape Coat,
I must thank you and apologize,
for you spoke to my heart
without saying a word
and I hadn't the courage
to break the silence after,
or else I may have been able
to ask your name.
All courage of mine drained quickly
from the gushing hole in my heart,
just discovered.
Between blonde hair I found a muse,
a smile that struck like lightening,
so quick to shock.
And trying to save myself,
I pulled away from the source,
yet I still found myself paralyzed.
As I stood silently in a room filled
with Monet's oils on each wall
and light of every impression,
there was an ugly battle
booming between my mind and body.
For with such magnificent
and everlasting art all around,
all my mind wanted
was to turn my eyes away
from the cathedral, to see you,
the source of all light in that room.
And I hate myself now
for not having the courage
to turn back and see
The Girl with the Brown Cape Coat,
for I can go back to that gallery,
but it is you that I want to see again.
Yes, it is you,
The Girl with the Brown Cape Coat;
it is you that I have to thank
for showing me all that I saw
and all that I didn't see in that room.
I'm so sorry that I lacked the courage
to ask your name.
Yours Truly,
The Boy with the Blue Button-Up
To The Girl with the Brown Cape Coat,
I must thank you and apologize, for you spoke to my heart without saying a word and I hadn't the courage to break the silence after, or else I may have been able to ask your name.
All courage of mine drained quickly from the gushing hole in my heart, just discovered. Between blonde hair I found a muse, a smile that struck like lightening, so quick to shock. And trying to save myself, I pulled away from the source, yet I still found myself paralyzed. As I stood silently in a room filled with Monet's oils on each wall and light of every impression, there was an ugly battle booming between my mind and body. For with such magnificent and everlasting art all around, all my mind wanted was to turn my eyes away from the cathedral, to see you, the source of all light in that room.
And I hate myself now for not having the courage to turn back and see The Girl with the Brown Cape Coat, for I can go back to that gallery, but it is you that I want to see again. Yes, it is you, The Girl with the Brown Cape Coat; it is you that I have to thank for showing me all that I saw and all that I didn't see in that room. I'm so sorry that I lacked the courage to ask your name.
Yours Truly,
The Boy with the Blue Button-Up
To The Girl with the Brown Cape Coat,
I must thank you
and apologize,
for you spoke to my heart
without saying a word
and I hadn't the courage
to break the silence after,
or else I may have been able
to ask your name.
All courage of mine
drained quickly
from the gushing hole in my heart,
just discovered.
Between blonde hair
I found a smile
that struck like lightening,
so quick to shock.
I was electrified.
And trying to save myself,
I pulled away from the source,
yet I still found
myself paralyzed.
As I stood silently
in a room filled with beauty,
with oils on every wall,
and brilliant light
of every impression,
there was an ugly battle
booming between
my mind and body.
For with such magnificent
and everlasting art all around,
all my mind wanted
was to turn my eyes
away from the cathedral,
to see you,
the source of all beauty
in that room.
And I hate myself now
for not having the courage
to turn back and see
The Girl with the Brown Cape Coat,
for I can go back
to that gallery,
but it is you
that I want to see again.
It is you
that I have to thank
for showing me such beauty
in that room.
I'm so sorry that
I lacked the courage
to ask your name.
Yes, it is you,
The Girl with the Brown Cape Coat.
Yours Truly,
The Boy with the Blue Button-Up
Posted Jan 18, 2016, 8:06 AM UTC · edited