Source
r/BPD•
rmbrworstbehavior

Why do you guys abandon the people you love?

Questions

I am nonBPD

My exBPD totally discarded me with no warning. The night before we had made some great future plans and were getting along famously. He seemed so in tune with me, and he seemed genuinely happy.

The next day, he yelled and screamed at me, said he should have never got back together with me, and he told me I was ruining his life. He left me a total wreck and destroyed my psyche.

That was 3 weeks ago. I am doing much better now, but I feel like he inflicted the pain on me, that he feels himself. He completely discarded me, just like he is always afraid of being discarded. He avoids healthy relationships for more "secure" relationships, so that he can avoid being alone. His ex boyfriend will never leave him because of his co dependancy, so he keeps going back to him, even though they do not like each other that much.

I feel like I have been emotionally violated. To delcare your love one hour, and then take it all back the next, is truly devastating. I texted him two days ago just after three weeks of no contact. It was very light, and very friendly. Nothing about our relationship or anything too big.

He leaves it in "read" status, and refuses to respond. I feel it's a form of abuse. He has told me the worst thing someone can do to you is ignore you and be completely silent.

I agree . . . so why would he treat me in the same manner he hates to be treated? Why would he abandon me when he is so desperately afraid of being alone? Why inflict hurt and pain when it's the same hurt and pain you so desperately avoid?

I am truly hurt. I hope nobody has to experience something so emotionally violent. I did nothing to that man but treat him with love and care. I had no clue he harbored such ill feelings for me. I thought he loved me and cared. . . but I guess in the end I was just being used to make him feel better.

Posted Jan 19, 2016, 1:05 AM UTC

011
Jungian_Ecology•

Just run away from us. We're a bunch of dumb asses and you may be too for choosing to stick around.

4
rmbrworstbehaviorOP•

This isn't helpful. I'm truly trying to understand. I feel like if I understood more, that I could find closure.

I am not sticking around. I have solidified my boundaries, but to heal from this will take a long time, and understanding will help me through this process. I do not wish for my ex back, and I will not beg and plead for him.

1
Jungian_Ecology•

See the issue is a lot of you say that then hear one whiny voice message from us begging for you back and then here you come on your trusty steed. I personally don't understand why certain BPD's abandon when they get too close or feel too loved. I mean from what they tell me they say it's to abandon you first before you can abandon them. Because it would hurt far too bad if you gave them that high of feeling loved then actually did abandon them like they're expecting you to. Sort of like giving the mugger your wallet so he can't technically steal it from you. I feel the intense urge to abandon when someone actively shows me they don't care right now, regardless of whether they did care before or might in the future.

2
rmbrworstbehaviorOP•

I have gone back to him twice, however, that was before I truly knew the extent of what was going on. I now know that this is much bigger than myself and him, and I am moving on. I will not return to him over a whiny message, and I now have boundaries set in place that will not falter.

I put up with things I would not have, probably due to my OWN abandonment issues, but I have taken responsibility for them, and faced my demons.

Until he does so (which I do not think will ever happen) there is NO WAY, I would engage in any type of relationship.

I do however care for him, and it is hard not to want to reach out as we were best friends for 1 year before we dated.

When you describe only being focused on the "right here and now" that is helpful. For me it was confusing. We had accumulated so many good memories, and planned on creating so many more . . . that it totally confused me that he would just LEAVE at the drop of a hat, for something that upset him . . . and most the time, I had no CLUE I even did anything to hurt him!

I made a comment to him out of love. He felt miserable one day . . . I was consoling him and said "Sometimes, you only feel better when you decide to take the step to feel better. You'd be surprised how much control you have to get motivated, and get the day going."

He interpreted that as me attacking him, and he went into a rage. It was sad to me . . . because I was honestly only trying to help him and talk with him. I guess he just doesn't see it because he cannot combine the past with the present, and is only focused on very intense feelings.

0
skyandbuildings•

It's kind of just to test that person. To see if they'll still love you and come back to you after you freak out on them.

4
iamatroll83•

this!

1
MoodyPuppy•

It's... a complex thing. Even more when all people suffering with BPD are different.

I don't know why he did it, but I could try to... explain to you how this whole thing "works", though I might be wrong. Please remember that this is what /I/ think.

You see, usually, our "default setting" when being in any relationship is "They don't like me" or "It's all a lie" because "How could anyone like me? No, it must be a lie". And when the other persons does something that contradicts it, as little as it might be, we start thinking "Hey, maybe... maybe the do like me?", and it continues to "They like me!" and "This is the happiest I've ever been!". So, what happens when they don't do something to confirm us of this? Or do something wrong? Again, as little as the action (or lack of action) might be, it all goes downhill from there. And then we think "They don't like me. They hate me. I should've known..." and you know what could happen next.

I tried to keep it short and simple. Please, please remember this is only the way I see it. Maybe he thought something completely different.

Then, when this happens, the person with BPD (Person A) could lash out at the other person (Person B), or maybe Person A keeps it to themselves. Maybe Person A is so, so afraid Person B will leave them (they've convinced themselves that B /will/ leave them) that instead of letting that happen, they leave person B. Could be in the worst way possible (lots of shouting, insults, etc) could be... in a cold manner, I don't know. Maybe Person A is just and asshole, maybe they're not.

In any case, it's not okay to do what he did to you, and mental illnesses are not an excuse. Yeah, he's probably hurt right now. Maybe he feels very guilty. But he has to apologize for what he did. If he does not, stay away (actually, just stay away, no matter what. It sounds like you'll be better off without him). Don't talk to him, you already tried. Now it's his turn.

I'm very sorry this happened to you. Please be strong, okay?

3
rmbrworstbehaviorOP•

This was incredibly helpful. Thank you for taking the time to write this.

Yes, I am moving on, and it's in the past. But closure has been difficult. In every other relationship and break up, it was amicable. There was a discussion and a reason.

Randomly saying "I hate you, you're ruining my life, I should have never gotten back together with you." Is not a "real" reason. It's just shouting and projection.

I always thought he had some mental issues, there were various signs. He also said things like "I dont like myself. I'm disgusted with myself. I cant trust my thoughts." things like that. I asked him during our relationship to please get help, but he never did.

I hope he gets help some day. I will always care for him and love him, but I must love myself and set boundaries, and that's how it has to be.

He would often say things like "I cant believe someone so handsome like you wants to be with me." and he just slowly kept pushing me further and further away.

What a shame, we were great friends and I really liked him! I hope he gets help! Thank you!

1
[deleted]•

[deleted]

1
prawnsword•

cause either I really didn't love them at all and was just playing the part for fun OR I love them so much that have gone silent hoping they'll reach out to me and try to 'win' me back. Makes perfect sense, right? ;)

The part where you say he seemed so in tune with you then all of a sudden changed makes me think he is still emotionally tied up with someone else...someone who has emotionally scarred him, his 'Mr Big' etc.

1
rmbrworstbehaviorOP•

Yup. You're correct. He went back to his ex.

1
sputniked•

I think the thing with BPD is that there's always something brewing under the surface, just maybe not visible to anyone else except the pwBPD. The problem is that we tend to think, "if you really loved me you would know!" So it's possible that there had been something already gnawing at him and one wrong move you made was the proverbial straw that broke the camel's back and convinced him that you wouldn't be able to love him enough or make him happy. Definitely not a mature way to deal with that, but that's what you get when you sign up for a relationship with a borderline I guess :(

0