Finally Facing Anxiety

When I was a freshman in high school, back in 2011, I lost my grandmother. My grandfather shot and killed her.

I fell into deep depression after that and never really enjoyed my sophomore and junior years of high school. I had lost my sense of trust, began becoming addicted to pornography and video games, and didn't have your normal high school experience.

Then I discovered lifting weights. Around the end of my junior year and start of my senior year. I started enjoying life for once and thought I was normal. Started having feelings, and thought I had completely overcome what had happened.

Freshman year of college came and went successfully. I didn't have any bouts of anxiety and was generally happy. I met a girl and started to fall in love.

Come sophomore year. I helped this girl out on her research for grad school and we spent most evenings together. Talking for hours on end. Until the middle of October, when the anxiety and depressive feelings came back.

I started thinking of my grandmother again and how she was killed. How much it had affected me. I had some good days and bad days. The bad days were terrible, I couldn't get out of bed and locked myself up, not wanting to talk to anyone.

Any little thing, problem, or argument I began getting more and more upset over. Overreacting towards things for no reasons whatsoever. I almost completely lost it during finals week. My grades were doing fine but I had shown this girl some of the bad sides of anxiety that I had been dealing with and overreacted towards her for little stupid things.

I went home over winter break determined to figure out what was wrong. The anxiety subsided and I felt as though I was going to tackle this semester, finally ask this girl out, and be able to move on from my past.

Unfortunately that didn't happen. Moving back into school two weeks ago sent back the anxious feelings of nothingness like a rush. I attempted to stick to my plan though, so I asked the girl if she would like to go the gym together. She said yes and I thought I finally had something going for me.

She didn't show. Something came up last minute and she couldn't make our scheduled time. I lost it. Everything I had been holding back began rushing out over the next two days. Thoughts that made no sense, thoughts that had no connection to what came before them were said.

She told me I was overreacting and needed to calm down. She was right. And I kept breaking. I called my mom and broke completely down, on a Friday night, telling her how I had been dealing with anxiety since my grandmothers death and how I felt as though I can't trust people.

We agreed that it was time to get me in counseling and I went home that weekend to attempt to figure out my next steps.

I met with a school counselor the next Monday and she agreed that I do have anxiety and set up following appointments. I told her about the girl and how I acted and she told me to tell the girl I was seeking help now.

So I tried to talk to the girl. I asked her for a few minutes of her time and she said nope right away. No hesitation. No eye contact.

It all clicked with me. I felt myself overreacting. Again. But this time I finally figured it out.

I have no sense of trust and fear losing people who I care about. Especially losing people abruptly and with no explanation. I lost my grandmother in a nanosecond with no thoughts about losing her before. So I overreact towards little things. Then I attempt to apologize for my overreaction when the correct way to handle the situation would be patience. I seem clingy and controlling when I overreact but I don't know how else to handle arguments. And that's why I'm in therapy now. To better myself so the next time a girl comes around like her I'll handle things better.

Seek out help before you hit rock bottom. Rock bottom is an ugly place and you do not want to go there.