I just can't keep living like this.

Dude, please don't! I'm sure you're great. Life's just long and goes on and on we all just have to stick it out. Most people who seem happy are only happy because they are pursuing something that they think will make them happy, but once they've got it - it's on to the next thing. I'm sure most of people you think have close connections are not nearly as secure in them as you'd think. You can't compare how you feel inside to what other people's outsides look like.

I'm forty six here and my life is also big jumbled pile of poo. I keep asking myself if this is what life has beaten me down to. I guess the only thing that keeps me going is comics. I'm a giant nerd but I love it. I get to be alone and at least entertain myself with silly escapisms.

I also medicate myself to cope with the self loathing. I chose other methods but with the same results. At least it's the same results universally, I think. It feels good in the beginning but the more you use the more likely you'll eventually end up hating yourself even more than when you began.

Look I clearly can't give you answers. But if talking helps you deal with things I would be willing to listen.