a farewell to melancholy
like the removal of a shroud
I feel I can all at once see again
released from some
great hypnotism
that has kept me so long
in quiet servitude
and worn my soul bent and creaky
an ancient wooden monk
at perpetual worship
to some vain and disinterested god
but in the twilight of these dark days
it has come time to say goodbye
to a melancholy I think
I will love all the same
for my melancholy
sits underneath a juniper tree
because she counts it among
the most poetic of the trees
and it is such a pretty place to cry
and she's the only thing
I've ever known
that could wear a crying frown like
the softest little smirk
that betrays her knowledge
of how beautiful she must look
right now
(and how right she is)
as she darts gently at her tears
one by one with her napkined finger
a natural couple, she asserts
“And after all,” she coos,
“haven't you been here forever?”
her voice is the din of the saddest song
played in any heaven
I must divorce her all the same
because nothing must be too big to fail
because nothing aught to be too precious, maybe
to give up
because she is killing me
because she has been precious to me
because she has been long nights
staring down empty avenues
down emptying bottles
and never taking
tomorrow's calls
and her poisons begin
to feel a lot like comfort
as it atrophies the muscles
and goddamnit if it doesn't
feel so good to let it
even this goodbye
will be sealed with a kiss
and I try not to let it bother me
that when I leave this letter by her feet
and make my way somewhere else
she'll simply wait until I go
to tuck it gingerly and unopened
into the pocket of her coat
as she glows with certitude
of my return
https://www.reddit.com/r/OCPoetry/comments/44npc6/insomnia_is_for_the_weak/czt2tl4
https://www.reddit.com/r/OCPoetry/comments/44n8x1/reprogram_me/czt2hkv
Posted Feb 9, 2016, 4:06 AM UTC
First, I believe this poem would benefit from additonal punctuation to the little bit you put with the quote, and the errant comma here and there.
I love the imagery and the concept. After the second reading I grasped it more fully. Giving up that melancholy identity, no matter how comfortable it is. It is both a refreshing breath of air and a bold step into the unknown Sun.
The two bits that didn't work for me or that I did not get are these:
The quote: she asserts
“And after all,” she coos,
“haven't you been here forever?”
I do not know who she is refering to with "you." Maybe it's obvious, maybe it's the literal you.
And then the solitary "maybe" in stanza five I might omit unless it is just plain true. With the previous sentence, "because nothing must be too big to fail," not having a maybe after it, it seems odd that, "because nothing aught to be too precious," would have the qualifying "maybe."
The whole works for me though. It's easily grasped, and aside from punctuation does need any great revisions.
Thank you for your words!
Thanks for the insightful critique! You're not the first to mention needing more punctuation, so I'll be sure to go back and add it where it can help clear things up. I typically use a lot of punctuation when I write; I've been experimenting with shying away from it, but like you say I think it comes at the expense of clarity here. And as you say, the "you" in that instant is supposed to be the speaker, but once again I can see where the vaguery is.
Oh, and that "maybe" was intentional, insofar as I wanted to show that even though the speaker is making a stand, he's still unsure at times. Is there a way I can make that more clear, perhaps?
Again, thanks for taking the time to break it down!
You are most welcome. I am the opposite, in that when I started writing I rejected punctuation quite adamantly, wanting my line breaks to speak the needed pauses. It worked mostly, and my purpose at the time was to not pigeon hole each piece into a single flow. I wanted the reader to read it the way that made sense to them without my mapping with punctuation. I have since added punctuation quite recently because I felt it was one of the reasons that my poems have been rejected so many times when I submit them for publication.
Anyway, the maybe. Since it is intentional to present the hesitant mind of the person making the life change I can see leaving it where it is.
One alternative I could suggest is maybe (lol) to move it from where it is, and put it after the next like, "nothing aught to be too precious to give up, maybe"
Isolated like that it sounds more like a question/feeling for the whole stanza, or even the whole piece, rather than tied to a specific line.