Source
r/OCPoetry•
SongOfAstrus

Conjugated Randomness

Feedback Received!

A ballerina leaps across the stage,
Oblivious to the absence of audience.
She cartwheels into a wall
Striking a steel bar for E Flat
 
Somewhere in China
A little girl taps on the piano,
Hitting the same note
 
Lights around the world flicker
Humanity knows.
The evolution of man begins to unfold
Language barriers dissolve into salt
 
The maw of reality hangs agape,
As Earth peeks over its edge
A twenty dimensional entity sings
E Flat
 
Matter ceases to be of any importance,
The universe experiences a convulsion
And is reborn as a chinchilla
Somewhere in remote Oregon
 
A single leaf falls from a lamp post.
It is immediately elected president
It cries softly,
Knowing the end is near
 
The chinchilla runs in front of a car
Intentionally initiating cosmic kamikaze.
You mourn deeply
As I hand you the bill
 
Feedback:
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Inspiration for this comes from an idea 'Cuil Theory.' All feedback greatly appreciated, especially criticisms for better punctuation. Hope it was an enjoyable read!

Posted Feb 12, 2016, 7:25 PM UTC

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MeehBrother•

I genuinely enjoyed reading this to myself. My favorite line was, "A single leaf falls from a lamp post./It is immediately elected president," but I think the next line should have started with 'and cries softly,' not a repetition of it. The last three stanzas were definitely my favorite. I also like the 'twenty dimensional entity.' Good work!

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SongOfAstrusOP•

Thank you very much for the kind words friend! You're right, it definitely sounds better starting the next line with 'and' rather than 'it.'

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nesbitandgibley•

Great piece! I really enjoyed reading it.

She cartwheels into a wall

Striking a steel bar for E Flat

This drew me in immediately. You set the tone and feel to the poem.

This, too -

And is reborn as a chinchilla

Somewhere in remote Oregon

...was really well written. I found it to be somewhat Douglas Adams like. Quite absurd but it retains, on some level, deep thinking and ideas.

I love the scope you created, from the beginning to how it ends. It painted strong imagery and I felt like my mind was blitzed with information yet still was able to gather it all and enjoy it. I don't have any advice on how to better other than it would be lovely to see more!

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SongOfAstrusOP•

I'm so glad to hear it was enjoyable! Your kindness is a huge confidence boost, been tampering in this writing style lately and it's always great to see what others have to say, especially since one can never really tell off their own judgement about these type of things.

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[deleted]

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briandsmith228•
Really enjoyed this. Stanzas one, two, four, and six are my favorite. I think there's a few too many abstractions in the third stanza and the first two lines of the fifth, "humanity," "evolution," "language," "universe." I see the influence from Cuil Theory, but I think you do this in a more concrete, specific way in the other stanzas.
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SongOfAstrusOP•

Thanks a bunch for taking the time to read through it friend! Glad it was enjoyable and greatly appreciate the honest criticisms, I'm also happy that for the most part the essence of Cuil Theory was visible.

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