Thanks for the feedback! And yeah there is a reminiscing attitude for sure, hadn't thought of it that way. 

Really enjoyed reading through this piece! I can feel the flow of time from beginning to end, along with something else I can't quite put my finger on. Reminiscing maybe?

Thanks for the feedback! I'm glad it worked on multiple levels 

Love the comments about religion and it's impact on the way the American government treats science in schools, in congress - there's so many contexts this applies too. Very thoughtful piece.

I can't wait to see how you revise it if you do. I was literally blown away, truly touched on many levels by it. I wish I possessed even a small iota of your talent! :) 

Thank you so much for putting your time into this poem! This critique was very helpful; I definitely agree that I need to develop that history more. It crescendos too early, that is the problem that I've been feeling but haven't put into words haha. 

Wow. Honestly, I can't even decide what my favourite part is. There are simply too many aspects of this that I truly love. :) From your images, to tone and mood, to the multiple ways I think you can look at this piece, thematically, seriously, there's not a single part of this that isn't gold. 

Question though... does the repetition of the word ammonia serves to add a layer of meaning to the work I'm missing? If not, I'd consider changing it. In a poem this short, unless it seriously enhances meaning, I wouldn't repeat a word. (That's actually a nice lead-in for) My next comment: I want much MORE. Seems to me you've a whole history to exploit, if you will, before you crescendo with the way things are currently. I worry that the poem isn't minimalistic enough to underscore a point is that that history is ignored. So maybe I feel like it should be longer as a result...but maybe not. Lastly, (fittingly, in your very last line) your tourniquet metaphor. It's just slightly...off, grammatic

Before modern science,   
only one substance burned,  
Built up yellow brown on wallpaper,  
red on iron fences,  
darkest under fingernails,   
between teeth.  


Now it’s ambient lead levels,  
others unlisted, separate   
bleach and ammonia, mold   
underneath the veneer wood,  
read the ingredients, sound   
out the tangled compounds.   


Because there is a sense of safety  
in saying the words carcinogen,  
aspartame, saturated fats,   
And isn’t this your secret wish America,  
(and all else affected)  
to arise within us, colorless, tasteless?  
Like moonshine, Lorazepam,  
water from your hometown,  
that’s been rising in ammonia content  
slowly for the past six years,   
dust kicked up from Baptist sermons  
spinning in the tide pool,  
swelling black behind the tourniquet.  

Feedback:

https://www.reddit.com/r/OCPoetry/comments/45gd9u/conjugated_randomness/

https://www.reddit.com/r/OCPoetry/comments/45gvxg/in_your_presence/



Obsolete Scientific Theories Should Still be Taught (Phlogiston)