Thank you so much! I'm glad you enjoyed it! It was interesting to write. I was having a bit of writer's block so I turned to my friends and family, imploring for prompts to get me writing again and I was told to write about my partner's eyes, about the way I look at them. I tried and tried writing about them, and the colors and what not but nothing sounded right. Then it hit me, I should describe the feeling of her eyes and that memory was on of the only other things I could think of that made me feel that way. 

Beautiful. I often prefer poetry that really simplifies it's purpose/topic. I knew what you were talking about and the way you put words together did the rest. 

Thanks for the feedback. I was struggling a bit with formatting. There was indeed supposed to be a blank line at that point. Reading it again, I feel you are right about fewer line breaks. I am going to rework it over the next couple days and see what I can do to make it flow a little better. I didn't really do too much with punctuation, though I should have given it more consideration. This was a lightning bolt poem for me, which doesn't happen too often. Generally, an idea will hit me suddenly and I will work at it for a while, but this one was one of those rare instances where everything just poured out of me. I revised it a bit not too much.

A simple metaphor, an enjoyable poem. The experience of "looking at the sky" you describe is familiar, and important. 

>The feelings were beautiful. ... Insignificance and infinity. ... I am small and the cosmos is big ... and that made me feel safe ... because nothing mattered in the best ways

is enchantingly pure language.

Only suggestions: fewer line breaks, and a blank line prior to the last line, like:

    and that made me feel safe,
    because nothing mattered
    in the best ways.
    
    Her eyes are like that. 

and also, did you try to play more with punctuation? Are there other versions of this poem?

Thanks for sharing, please keep writing!


Just had to say, this is absolutely beautiful. It feels honest and true. Don't change a thing.


To a person not well acquainted with poetry, this might merely be a simple answer to a what-is-what question. (For eg: Q. what are her eyes like? A. They are like this). But the detail with which the scene is defined and the profound personal touch that is given to the description, makes it a beautiful poem. The moment you start imagining the beauty of nature the poet reminds you that it was also 'her' eyes he was talking about. 

It may be my ignorant view that's stopping me from levelling with the simile. I cant say that I've ever felt the same kind of awe the universe gives me when looking into another's eyes no matter how beautiful. But perhaps I havnt seen anything that beautiful.

Thank you for the feedback. I was given a writing prompt to write about someone's eyes and that was just me trying explain the feeling as best I could and that memory was what I felt was the best way to describe what it was like looking in her eyes. It's strange sensation, for something to feel like memory or different moment in time. Almost like something tasting like the smell of another. The poem was meant to convey the eyes, memory was the medium, but I do understand a desire to stray from love poetry, as in many cases it may seem trite. 

I enjoy the way you describe experiences. Its quite captivating. I didnt like the comparison of that feeling to something like gazing upon a special female's eyes. 

Thank you so much for the feedback. I agree that it does drift into the cliche. As I try reworking it now,I find myself wandering from my initial memory/metaphor and into others and this just doesn't seem like a moment to be framing metaphors with other metaphors. I'm going to take some more time with it and I hope to bring the pieces together into something more in line with my original image. Again, thank you so much for the feedback!

Initial reaction: this has some really good parts and some parts that I thought were meh.

"I was asked about her eyes". Talking about eyes is cliche but I don't mind it. It is the first line and I am trusting you that you will do something interesting with the task you have set yourself -describing her eyes. Let's see how it turns out.

"Going camping with my siblings... younger." All very good. You are evoking images that we can relate to, a setting in the woods, a distant, nostalgic feel. You double down on this distancing in the next sentence, pulling us away from the city and into the woods. The mention of dreams here contributes to the dreamlike quality you want to aim for (also implying by connotation that her eyes are also dreamy).

The image of dousing the fire works well. Very simple and to the point. We get the sound of silence. I found this part effective. We get to pause in the silence and darkness of this moment, along with the narrator.

Your eyes adjusting is a good tou

I'm glad you enjoyed the poem. To be electrified means to be charged with electricty or to be thrilled or excited especially suddenly . I believe you are thinking of the word electrocute which means to injure or be killed by electric shock

Hey, this is awesome. I really like how natural your style is. Sometimes poetry can get too wrapped up in it's language (I'm definitely guilty of this) but you did a good job of avoiding that. This piece focused on encapsulating the emotions and images of a single moment, and I think that's why I enjoyed it so much. Great work! 

I LOVE relating everyday life with space. I think my favorite line is "because nothing mattered in the best ways"

Only suggestion I have is to change "beautiful" to something else. It takes away from any imagery if you just say the feelings were beautiful.

Solid poem, man. Cheers. 

I was asked about her eyes…  
 
I remember going camping,  
with my siblings  
when I was younger.  
The city lights were as distant  
as last week’s dreams.  
Late at night  
my brother doused the fire and told  
everyone to stare up at the sky  
in silence,  
to really take it in.  
When my eyes adjusted  
I saw stars I didn’t know existed,  
I saw the dusty clouds of the Milky Way,  
and I got lost in the labyrinth of it all.  
The feelings were beautiful.  
Insignificance and infinity.  
The universe  
flooded my brain and body  
and left me feeling electrified.  
I am small and the cosmos is big  
and that made me feel safe,  
because nothing mattered  
in the best ways.  
  
Her eyes are like that.  
    
feedback [1](https://www.reddit.com/r/OCPoetry/comments/4a7mk4/i_did_love_you/d0y6hr9) [2](https://www.reddit.com/r/OCPoetry/comments/4a75ni/forgive_me_o_lord/d0y67l6)


I was asked about her eyes...