Source
r/MtF•
Notethreader

My cousin made a beautiful, inspirational FB post about supporting her Transgender best friend.

[UPDATED]

It was a very heartwarming thing to read, but left me feeling like an outcast. Through this whole post, about how trans people deserve the same respect as others and how close to home it is because of her best friend, not once did she mention me, her own flesh and blood. I get that she is definitely closer to her friend, but still, sometimes I'd like to feel supported too. This is the first cousin I came out to, the one that would always hang out with me at family functions. Why am I not even an after thought?

This all stems back to this growing disconnection that I've been having with my family. No one will talk to me about being trans, not a single one has shown even the slightest concern for if I were okay through this whole thing. I thought that maybe my cousin, who I was closest too, would at least stick up for me a little, but nothing. I know they all still love and care for me. But it's so hard to be the invisible problem. The elephant in the room. I don't even know how to talk about my issues with my family, since they just pretend the problems don't exist.

I never thought an inspirational post about trans people would make me feel so ostracized. I just want my family back.

Posted Apr 27, 2016, 11:37 PM UTC · edited

1011
i-cant-think-of-name•

Is it possible that your cousin didn't want to out you publicly, but her friend had given her express permission to do so in the past?

4
NotethreaderOPTrans Pansexual•

It's possible, but I don't think so. She still could have mentioned having a trans cousin while not mentioning me specifically. I think it's far more likely that it was really more of a show of support specifically for her friend. But the way she worded it, it came off as general trans support. I feel very petty for getting upset about this.

1
nekocatcat30 MtF | HRT 12.18.2014 | Trans-Queer-Femme-Tomboy•

Your cousin probably realizes that trans issues as it pertains to family can be complicated, and doesn't want to cause drama. As you said, you are, so to speak, the family elephant in the room.

Unfortunately, people can have a lot of negative internalized transphobia. It's hard for people to overcome it, especially when they might be viewed negatively by other family members that support another trans family member.

This doesn't give your cousin a pass, though. If your cousin can support a friend, they can support a blood relative. And if they don't overtly voice support for you, that's messed up. I would just personally shoot them a private message telling them you felt a little hurt. I can't imagine that they did not think about you when writing that post about their friend.

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NotethreaderOPTrans Pansexual•

You're probably right. My whole family has rather low tolerance for what they consider "drama." I have done my best not to make my transition a dramatic thing for my family. Which is probably why they are always so eager to sweep it under the rug. I do openly talk about it, although it's usually met with blank stares and placating responses meant to end the conversation.

I know that there is a lot of underlying unease about trans people in my family. They of course don't openly talk about it in front of me. But my dad tells me about it. He's been one of my biggest allies, and I know if I told him what I was feeling he would make an issue of it to the rest are of the family. Same goes for one of my aunt's, but she lives on the other side of the country. Which kind of sucks cause she is the only one that goes out of her way to show interest in my transition.

I guess what hurts most about my cousin not showing her support is that she went through this exact same thing when she came out as lesbian almost 20 years ago. If anything she faced a lot worse, since she was the first person in my Irish-Catholic family's history to come out. She got a lot of flak from overly conservative members, and it's really because of her I felt like I could be strong enough to come out. I know I should reach out to her, but I just feel so petty about getting hurt like this.

2
DenikaMaeTransgender•

If the friend is catching flak for coming out or something, she might have forgot about her cousin as part of the knee jerk reaction, but this is all conjecture.

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NotethreaderOPTrans Pansexual•

Her friend came out and successfully transitioned years before I did. Knowing about him was the reason that I came out to her first, since she had experience with trans people, unlike the rest of my family.

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[deleted]•

[deleted]

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pinkiepie24601•

I can't imagine. I'm sorry.

Sending love your way, sweetie.

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NotethreaderOPTrans Pansexual•

Thank you. <3

2
Missieve•

I'm so sorry to hear that ):

Here's hoping it was just a slip up and your cousin didn't mean to upset you?

2
NotethreaderOPTrans Pansexual•

I don't think it was an intentional slight. But that is kind of the problem. I'm barely even remembered as being a family member anymore. I just feel like I am being shut out more and more. Just so they can avoid any conversation. My one Aunt that lives on the other side of the country, is the only one that ever talks to me anymore.

I would almost be more relieved if they were just outwardly disdainful. Instead of just going through the motions. Mind you, I don't believe they actually are intolerant. But I just don't know where I stand.

6
Missieve•

I completely understand how you feel. It really sucks to be left out, especially (I can imagine) in your situation.

2