Source
r/SuicideWatch•
Depthry

About ready to cash in my chips and get the fuck out of life.

I don't know where I'm going in life and frankly, I don't want to know because I'm pretty sure it's nowhere good.

I've been consistenly depressed for the last seven years (started when I was thirteen). I can't function at the level everyone else seems to be able too. I think I'm broken or defective or something. Send me back to the fucking factory to get fixed.

The thought of working a 9-5 job every day for the rest of my life terrifies me. My youth is leaving, day by day. Soon I'll have nothing left but my regret and my sadness. The cruelty and sheer level of fucked-upness in the world depresses me.

I'm a burden on my poor mother, who was pressured into having me by my father who just wanted kids before he left her and his two children. I cost her time, money, and energy. I do nothing to simplify or improve anyone's life.

I don't think I'm equipped to deal with this world. I'm too sensitive and too sad and too emotional.

So, this might be my final goodbye. I just wanted to say that I wanted to be gentle and kind and be that person that brightened up a room when they walked in it, but I can't be. There's something wrong on a fundamental level here. I have a rope and a bar in the closet. Even if I don't do it tonight, it's just a matter of time. This is how I'll meet my end.

Posted May 17, 2016, 6:17 AM UTC

103
[deleted]•

[removed]

1
[deleted]•

[removed]

1
[deleted]•

[deleted]

0
ridiculous23•

Ultimately I believe it is up to you. But I was in a really similar place a couple weeks ago. I didnt feel like living was going to be worth the effort. Felt like the current state of the world was going to crush me in its capitalist grip and I would end up a burden or in a never ending cycle of poverty.

Predominantly it was a friend of mine, pointing out some stuff i hadn't thought of, like understanding that if i didn't value failure or success, i could do neither. That i was in direct control of what I, as an individual, valued. And that life and the future is, at least a bit more likely to be interesting than death, and just as unknown.

You CAN be the person you want to be. So long as you work with the limitations you've been given. Use what you've got, and not feel scared/upset/frustrated or angry because you dont have the right or perfect tools. I find myself so trapped with the limited space i feel i have. The limited money that i have. The limited time and effort and interest. But focussing on what you don't have, although important to recognize and acknowledge and fight for more, its not adding any love into this world. It does no good for you or others.

I hope you can give yourself the patience, compassion, kindess and time to heal a little, and grow a little, and live a little ♡ you aren't broken, the systems you're in are really really buggy, and need some serious reprogramming. You dont blame the minute and hour hands on a clock for not moving, you blame the gears.

-1