Depthry

I'm sitting here debating on whether or not to jump off the nearest bridge. I really think the world, and my family, would be better off without me. I cost my mother a lot of time and money. I haven't spoken to my dad in years but I doubt he cares. I'm probably the biggest disappointment in both of their lives. It's probably better if I kill myself.

I feel lost. I don't know at all where my life is going. Every road leads to death at the end. Every day I wake up and dick around on my computer before going to bed. It's been the same for years now. I've applied to nearly 100 jobs in the past month and still nothing.

I'm starting to think I should do the world a favor and kill myself. I'm just a leech. I leech off my family for food and a home and other shit. No one cares about me. I can't remember the last time somebody called to check up on me.

One of our three lovely cats was just put down today. She was 17 years old and her name was Daisy. She was one of the sweetest cats I've ever known. I'm coping with it pretty well, all things considered. But it just really put a damper on an otherwise perfectly serviceable Sunday.

They don't say it but I know they resent me. They resent me for not having a job or going to school. Especially my aunt. She's extremely judgmental, as is my sister. My mother pretends like she doesn't hate me but I know she must. How could she not? I completely mooch off of her. I'm 21 and I've never had a job and I haven't completed a college course in over two years.

The worst part is that I don't blame them. I hate myself too. I hate that I'm unmotivated and lazy and selfish. I hate that I never have any energy or drive. I hate that my interests (video games, music, movies, etc.) will never amount to anything productive. I hate everything about myself.

The only member of my family I do

I speak as someone who's been playing video games since they were five years old. I love video games and always have. But in these past few years I've noticed that I'm becoming increasingly insecure playing multiplayer team games.

No matter what I do, I feel like a burden. For example, I recently started playing Overwatch and I really do like the game. I like it a lot. But I don't have that much fun playing it because I'm always afraid that my team hates me. Even when I party up with people I worry that they secretly don't want to play with me because I'm bad.

It doesn't matter if I get play of the game or four gold medals at the end of a match or a card that says "50 eliminations". I alwa

I'm really thinking about killing myself tonight. I want a human relationship so bad, but I can't get one. I can't find a job. I can't go through school because I don't know what to do. I can't I can't I can't. I never can.

I'm as worthless as it gets. I do nothing to simplify or improve anyone's life. I ruined my parents' lives. I ruined my mom's body when I was born. My dad left when I was six because he didn't want to take care of me. Even now, the fact that I don't have a job stresses my mom out. She won't admit it, but I know it stresses her out having to support a son who can't support himself.

I really should just kill myself. It would be so much easier on everyone if they didn't h

It feels kind of lame. I feel like I should be over it by now, but I'm not. I still cry some nights because I miss him so much.

I loved him. I loved him so much. I didn't realize it until after he'd passed that I loved him, but I did. I only wish I had said those words to him before he died.

He was my best buddy, and we played video games together for hours at a time every day for years, sometimes up to twelve hours a day. I feel so lost without him. I'm afraid that I'll never have that kind of connection with another human being again.

I was deeply, deeply in love with a man whom I never met.

Male friendships are weird, I think. It's hard to be vulnerable as a man. It's hard to let your guard down because that makes you a potential target for other men, and maybe even women, to denigrate. Hell, it might be hard for some women too. It's easier to be vulnerable with a woman, I think, as a man than it is to be with another man. At least that's the way it is in my little corner of the world. I'm not sure why.

I made a friend when I was in highschool. I'm not sure of how things began beyond that. Everything from that time period is hazy for me, maybe for a reason.

I told him, with a level of openness I don't think I'm capab

I've done nothing but fail my entire life. Shit grades in school, all of my former friends dislike me now and the one who didn't died, dropped out of college three times, and I've never been able to get a job even though I've been applying for over two years now and am twenty years old. I've gotten a few interviews but no dice.

I'm really worried that I'm actually just a piece of shit instead of "Depressed and anxious". It's entirely possible. There are plenty of shitty people out there and maybe I'm just one of them. My therapist tells me that I'm not but I'm not sure if I believe her.

I'm not pleasant to be around, I'm not putting in the effort I should to get a job. I only apply every

I don't know where I'm going in life and frankly, I don't want to know because I'm pretty sure it's nowhere good.

I've been consistenly depressed for the last seven years (started when I was thirteen). I can't function at the level everyone else seems to be able too. I think I'm broken or defective or something. Send me back to the fucking factory to get fixed.

The thought of working a 9-5 job every day for the rest of my life terrifies me. My youth is leaving, day by day. Soon I'll have nothing left but my regret and my sadness. The cruelty and sheer level of fucked-upness in the world depresses me.

I'm a burden on my poor mother, who was pressured into having me by my father who just w

I feel like at this point I don't know anything else. I can't remember well what it's like to feel happy.

Is this it? Is there no such thing as happiness? Is happiness just short moments of satisfaction interspersed between feelings of existential dread, bitterness, and grief?

I know it's said that happiness is a choice, but I feel like that choice was taken from me. Sometimes I feel like this is as good as it gets, and that frightens me so much because I so desperately want to feel good again. I want to know again what it's like to laugh with a friend. I want to know what a hug feels like. I want to know what it's like to be held in someone's arms while they tell you that everything wi

I'm worried that my depression deems me not worthwhile in the eyes of others. Not just my attitude.

My depression, from here on out, is a secret to everyone I meet. I'm so scared that someone will find out that I'm mentally ill and drop me like hot rocks. It would be just awful to find a great friend or a nice girl and have them abandon you just because you have depression. I'm so afraid of falling in love or something and then having them find out that I have depression and calling off the relationship because that's a dealbreaker to them.

It's not that uncommon to have a bad experience with someone who's mentally ill that could put a bad taste in anyone's mouth. I wouldn't put it past s

I can't get a job no matter how hard I look. I have no idea what to do for school so I just don't bother. I have no idea what I want. I know what I don't want and that's to be where I am now ten years down the road: Living with my mother and spending most of my time sleeping. I'm 20, for the record.

I feel so powerless. Say I get my associate's degree. Then I transfer to a four-year university. Then...nothing. I have no plan for what comes after that. I have no idea what I want to do with my life.

The worst part is that down every road is misery. I'm going to lose people, like I lost my best friend last month. The next obvious one is my dear grandmother, who has been given a 50/50 chance

I made a post on r/eatingdisorders but I just wanted to talk about it here.

I binge on food, eating anywhere from 700 to 2000 calories in one sitting. I eat until I feel nauseous. That's when I induce vomiting.

I can't describe how good it feels to purge. It's like getting high. On top of that, the near instant feeling of going from nauseous to not nauseous is great. I don't know if it's a dopamine release or something, but I feel fucking great after I vomit.

On top of that, I don't absorb those calories that I vomit out before the stomach does its thing, which is good since I'm overweight and have body images issues. I'm a fat piece of shit. It's a win/win. I don't give a fuck anymore.