Source
r/DeadBedrooms•
deadbedted

Survey for LLs on this sub

I've noticed a welcome influx of LL posters on this sub. I'm fascinated by the differing viewpoints, but since the comments are infrequent and scattered among various posts, I thought it would be more efficient to ask here. I know several LL posters who didn't want to post directly (only comment), and were fearful of a pillory situation. I'm hoping this will provide some insight. Feel free to add to the list of quesitons:

  1. If you're in an mismatched libido relationship, how long was it before you realized the mismatch? Weeks, months, years?

  2. Do you think about sex when your mate isn't bringing up the topic? If so, how often? And in what context?

  3. Did you know of the mismatch prior to your mate bringing it to your attention?

For those that are no longer LL:

  1. Did you have an "a ha!" moment about the role of sex in your relationship?

  2. What changed?

  3. How are things now?

For those of you still LL:

  1. Where do you see the relationship heading in five months/years?

  2. Do you think your mate's libido will eventually match yours, or do you think yours will rise to theirs?

  3. Do you think the mismatch is the cause of any relationship problems or the symptom? Or are there any problems?

  4. How long do you think the mismatch can go on before something gives?

Posted May 18, 2016, 4:12 AM UTC

515
Efkah32 M LL•

If you're in a mismatched libido relationship, how long was it before you realized the mismatch? Weeks, months, years?

I guess a year. Hard to say, my SO is shy (besides the fact she is NL/HL). I mean she is the kind of girl that likes when the man initiate, takes charge, is manly, etc. I thought she wasnt that much interested by sex, before realising she is, but likes to be man handled.

Do you think about sex when your mate isn't bringing up the topic? If so, how often? And in what context?

Several times a day, every day. It plagues me. I wake up with it, eat with it, work with it, sleep with it.

Did you know of the mismatch prior to your mate bringing it to your attention?

No. In my others relationships, I was with girls that took charge sexual wise. It was really different. I didn't thought I had a possibility of mismatch libido beforehand.

For those of you still LL: Where do you see the relationship heading in five months/years?

Five months, still fighting my LL through therapy. In five years? Alone if I fail. Happy if I win.

Do you think your mate's libido will eventually match yours, or do you think yours will rise to theirs?

My mate libido will never match mine (which is equal to zero). I hope mine will rise to hers. I mean I work my ass on that.

It's hard to answer b/c, I have a libido but can't express it. I wasn't born with all the stuff normal guys have.

Do you think the mismatch is the cause of any relationship problems or the symptom? Or are there any problems?

Besides mismatch libido, everything is fine. Not fine, perfect, I'm happy and she is, we love each other, care for each other, etc. You name it. Actually, when we fight or loose our temper, it's mostly and mainly due to the lack of sex (I mean on a physiological level).

How long do you think the mismatch can go on before something gives?

I'd say 12 months. She is 33, she'll not wait until the end times, even if she loves me.

3
you_done_messed_upHLM•

Out of curiosity, did you have your testosterone levels checked or are you on some sort of medication?

3
Efkah32 M LL•

Nothing is wrong medically speaking.

It's that I'm not able to initiate things (divine when she wants sex, what she likes in bed, etc.).

More a set of skill I don't have, if that makes sense.

1
deadbedtedOP•

When you're thinking of sex (all day) is any of it positive?

1
Efkah32 M LL•

Well, I mainly think about how to initiate or how to know what my SO likes or is willing to try.

Not "Oh, I can't wait for tonight to fuck"

but "I must find a remedy to this problem, I must understand how to initiate sex, I'm gonna try again to find useful informations on internet, there has to be a book or a process map, something explaining how. All these guys that are able to have sex must have access to some informations I didn't find. These fuckers. Oh my god, I must hurry she'll break with me if I don't find a solution".

See my point? It plagues me.

2
deadbedtedOP•

Yeah, you have the yips. You're in your own head and you have anxiety up the wazoo. I also bet that you tend to avoid stuff as much as possible until it actually blows up. You then make self fulfilling prophecies about the impending doom. I'm sorry to hear about that. Are you able to see a professional about it?

1
Efkah32 M LL•

Yeah I'm seeing a professional (psychiatrist with sexology speciality).

I don't avoid stuff, of any kind. I only have this problem for sex stuff, on that particular matter your analysis is right.

As I said previously, I think sex is a complicated matter, a science in its own right needing a precise set of skill. The cons of sex, far out weight the pros. There is a huge hype around sex, I don't understand.

1
Pala675•

Had an LL period due to birth control pils and some health issues. this is what i learned from it: If you're in an mismatched libido relationship, how long was it before you realized the mismatch? Weeks, months, years? It took us around 2 months to realize something was off. I was always tired, sleepy , had absolutley no desire to have sex. when we did have sex (after my boyfriend insisted ) it hurt and there wasn't any pleasure in it. Do you think about sex when your mate isn't bringing up the topic? If so, how often? And in what context? Yes, i think everyone does, tho wanting it si a different matter.

Did you know of the mismatch prior to your mate bringing it to your attention? Not really sure about this one. I guess we figured out together that this isn't working right. Did you have an "a ha!" moment about the role of sex in your relationship? It was an important part the relationship ship for both of us since we got together, it was worse when we didn't know what to do to get things back to normal.

What changed? We tried various aproches to make sex less painfull for me - more foreplay, different lubes - it started getting better when we realised that the pill was messing with my sex drive and i stopped taking it. How are things now? Back to normal. it took almost a year untill my health issues have gotten beter, and lots of good sex to stop associating sex with pain -Knowing that sex will be painfull completley kills the mood- but as the health got better the sex drive came Back.

2
deadbedtedOP•

Congrats!

1
Leedubs1•

NOT ADDING ANYTHING, JUST FIXING FORMATING. I HOLD NO OPINION IN THIS MATTER, OP YOU DO YOU. YOU SHOULD BE ABLE TO READ THIS POST WITH EASE NOW

Had an LL period due to birth control pils and some health issues. this is what i learned from it:

If you're in an mismatched libido relationship, how long was it before you realized the mismatch? Weeks, months, years?

It took us around 2 months to realize something was off. I was always tired, sleepy , had absolutley no desire to have sex. when we did have sex (after my boyfriend insisted ) it hurt and there wasn't any pleasure in it.

Do you think about sex when your mate isn't bringing up the topic? If so, how often? And in what context?

Yes, i think everyone does, tho wanting it si a different matter.

Did you know of the mismatch prior to your mate bringing it to your attention?

Not really sure about this one. I guess we figured out together that this isn't working right.

Did you have an "a ha!" moment about the role of sex in your relationship?

It was an important part the relationship ship for both of us since we got together, it was worse when we didn't know what to do to get things back to normal.

What changed?

We tried various approaches to make sex less painful for me - more foreplay, different lubes - it started getting better when we realized that the pill was messing with my sex drive and i stopped taking it.

How are things now?

Back to normal. it took almost a year until my health issues have gotten better, and lots of good sex to stop associating sex with pain -Knowing that sex will be painful completely kills the mood- but as the health got better the sex drive came Back.

1
felllswoop•

For those that are no longer LL: Did you have an "a ha!" moment about the role of sex in your relationship?

Yep, I came across this TED talk: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ep2MAx95m20 its a bit hokey, but it really clicked how my actions were affecting my partner.

What changed?

A alot, but it took about a year. After watching that talk I started listening to a podcast and reading books. I kinda felt like I had just discovered sex. During this time we started having sex regularly, then more often, experimenting, and we got closer.

How are things now?

The sex -- 3-6 days a week, and far from the formula sex we used to have. Sex used to be so choreographed, we still have our go-to positions, but there are so many things on the table now, it's never the same. Our marriage -- sounds cliche, but a lot more honest and open, like we finally delved into that part of our relationship that was kinda closed off.

2
deadbedtedOP•

I don't think it is a cliche at all. Lack of communication is the hallmark of most of the posts on this sub. There are so many internal fights that one mate has with the other--the other has no idea!

What parts of the communication opened up for you guys?

1
throwawayforDB2•

If you're in an mismatched libido relationship, how long was it before you realized the mismatch? Weeks, months, years?<

I'm not in a mismatched relationship anymore because I broke it off - I didn't realize we were really incompatible until until I became busier and didn't see him as much. Once that happened, every time he saw me he'd ask for sex... and I almost never wanted to oblige.

Do you think about sex when your mate isn't bringing up the topic? If so, how often? And in what context?

Not really. I have never seen someone and thought "Gee I'd like to bang them." Ever. Not even on TV. With this said, I will masturbate occasionally when bored.

Did you know of the mismatch prior to your mate bringing it to your attention?

I'd always known I wasn't a very sexual person but I think I underestimated just how LL I was. My relationship wasn't even with a HL.

Where do you see the relationship heading in five months/years?

I will only date someone who doesn't believe sex is a necessary part of love. I can't deal with the expectations that come with this belief. In the past I've tried to - ie get into the mood or whatever - and it usually doesn't go well. I have never become re-sexually attracted to someone who lost my lust previously and so I sort of need someone who won't mind if they go w/o sex. I am open to the idea of an open relationship, but only if I have some control over who they fuck (IE yes to randos no to people either of us actually know or the same person over an extended period of time).

Do you think the mismatch is the cause of any relationship problems or the symptom? Or are there any problems?

Nope. Didn't have a sex drive before birth control (or after). Wasn't abused. Wasn't raised in a religious household. Exes are pretty good people.

1
deadbedtedOP•

Thanks! This is most illuminating. If you don't mind, I have a few follow ups.

I will masturbate occasionally when bored.

About how often? And when you do, are you thinking sexual thoughts, or is it more of a meditative thing (i.e. you think of nothing sexual in particular)?

What would be your idea of the appropriate amount of sexual frequency in a open vs. exclusive relationship?

If it was open, would you want to know about it? Would you consider helping your partner choose random people?

Do you lean more asexual, gay, bi, straight?

TY!

1
throwawayforDB2•

About how often? And when you do, are you thinking sexual thoughts, or is it more of a meditative thing (i.e. you think of nothing sexual in particular)?

Honestly - whenever I'm really bored. In the past it's been maybe once a year or every 6 months or so, but probably 3-4x in the last 6 months? Basically whenever I'm done with videogames, reddit, reading books, and nobody's around and I have nothing else to do I'll go for it because why not. I don't think sexual thoughts about myself when masturbating (never have) but I do read sexual stuff while masturbating (not like FSOG or shit but I can't deal with real video porn so yeah manga/literature do it for me).

What would be your idea of the appropriate amount of sexual frequency in a open vs. exclusive relationship?

For other people or for me? For me probably maybe once or twice a month or so, presuming I'm happy in the relationship. For other people - I don't understand people who can have sex every day of the week. So 2-3x a week?

If it was open, would you want to know about it? Would you consider helping your partner choose random people?

Yes I'd want to know - if they opened the relationship without asking that'd be akin to cheating. Then again it is true that what you don't know can't hurt you. And yes I'd be fine helping them pick, though honestly I'd imagined it more along the lines of I have veto power (no coworkers, no repeating w/ the same person too much etc.).

Do you lean more asexual, gay, bi, straight?

Fun question! I'm sort of bi. I would happily date/marry a woman but I'm not entirely sure how I'd feel about sex with one. Totally down for naked cuddling and kissing and whatnot though. As for asexual... for the most part! A lot of people associate asexuality as not like touching, though, and I don't have that belief (I like cuddling).

2