Okay. Let me see if I can explain better. It's meant to be a "brand new sound", right? He starts off on her with the more traditional style, it doesn't work, he's trying something else, something mimicking natural speech. So, what I meant is that it doesn't quite break through its form, while still being contained in it; it still feels a bit caged in. I think it's a cool idea, and I like the poem a lot, but I feel like it's not quite yet doing what you want it to do.

Hmm...I don't know. I feel like you're hitting your head against the ceiling of the form, but not quite punching through it, if that makes sense.

I see what you mean. The idea behind my last two sonnets is something akin to eavesdropping. Here, we catch a poet talking to a girl and trying to impress her. When the traditional form doesn't work, he tries something new.    
  
I want to try and mimic natural speech because poetry is meant to be recited to other people. Therefore, I want a poem that someone could feel comfortable saying to someone else or performing to someone else. Or at least something that could conceivably be found "in the wild". I like rhyme a lot, but it's fundamentally at odds with how we speak. So trying to keep a hidden rhyme scheme and a rhythm while also sounding natural is a real challenge at times.  
  
Sonnets in particular are really interesting. They're meant to be spoken from one lover to another. But no one would ever speak to someone in extended metaphors and images. Sometimes you just want to say something directly like "I love you" or "God, you're hot" or whatever.  
  
My last one was focused p

The idea is creative and the messsage about poetry is interesting but my biggest problem is pinning down the main idea, are you trying to write about a girl or a poem? I think you should make the poem concentrate on one thing, either the girl that you really like or the new kind of poetry that you envision, both of which you create definite potential for

I like the poem. To me it definitely sounded like spoken word while I read it. The first five lines to me are pretty stellar. It's kind of funny. I've done a little bit of Shakespeare's sonnets analysis in school, but I'm no expert, but at the same time those first lines are a cool hybrid of sonnet and spoken word. After that it all sounds spoken word and not really like a sonnet. I would suggest playing around and mixing in more lines that "sound" more classical. Also I don't know if i really like the title Brand New Sound. I don't have any suggestions for one. But I don't think you have to say that. I think readers would understand that yeah this is how poetry is now compared to the sonnets without having to spell it out for them, 

But can you hear this brand new sound? If not, I still
Can introduce you. Listen to the span
Within these lines and ask,

To me these are the weakest lines. I wish I could say more, but just by instinct and personal taste they didn't seem to obstruct the 

    What are the seven wonders of the world
    When I compare each one of them to you--
    O what? Not cool? Are you the kind of girl
    That doesn't like a poem that's untrue,
    That bends and twists the words just for a rhyme?
    I feel the same. I never understood
    Why poets can't just say what's on their mind.
    They hide behind their metaphors. They should
    Come down to earth and talk like us. But can
    you hear this brand new sound? If not, I still
    Can introduce you. Listen to the span
    Within these lines and ask, "Does it take skill
    To make a sonnet sound like spoken word?"
    Is that the kind of poem that you've heard?  
  
https://www.reddit.com/r/OCPoetry/comments/4kncgu/of_birds_and_cages/d3lv2x1  
  
https://www.reddit.com/r/OCPoetry/comments/4kxsps/sonnet_from_the_unworthy_lover_still_trying_to/d3luxss

This Brand New Sound