Mother Dearest (Spoken word)

They will never understand you

---

I like to think I’m getting better

That I can see the truth

But sometimes I think

I’m just deluded

And heartless

---

Like a child born

Lived

And died in a white room

And all the faces on the wal l Never spoke a word

Because they were never there at all

---

It started when I was nine

And Mom wouldn’t stop yelling at me

I’m sorry

More yelling

A cloud of static over my ears

Everpresent

---

I was aspgergers she’d say

I couldn’t relate

And the world would eat me alive

Like so many angry lions

---

I know I’m not

I see that now

I see the world

As I think it is but cannot know

Because she whispers from the past over my shoulder words that knock me down

---

They will never understand you

You are awkward

You are weird

They think you are a monster

You scare me sometimes

You are a liar

You waste my time

You are lazy

You weigh too much

I never said that

It will never happen again

They will never understand you.

---

It was isolation

Save Thursday nights

Boyscouts

Where they beat me and said they’d rape me

They will never understand you

---

And in her eyes

I was the rudest

Most arrogant

Meanest person she had ever met

And I abused her by apologizing too much

They think you are a monster

---

There is too much to say and not enough time

And I cry when I write it down

And when I read it aloud

So I won’t tell you the story of my life

---

But it reads like a tragedy in grey

Opaque tones

Like the wall between me and the world

And me and the view

---

The view that would have changed it

That would have told me I wasn’t mad

That all the negations and accusations

The rage and screaming and emotional contradiction

Wasn’t in my head

---

But in my world I was too short to reach the window

Because I couldn’t get on my feet

But Mom I see you now

And you ruined me

---

I couldn’t take it, Mom

Not every day of every week of every year since I was eleven

Your insults and attacks

And contradiction of reality

I never said that

---

Like being in a fucking hamster ball on a rollercoaster

Up seems like every direction

And so I made my own

And let the fuck go

It will never happen again

---

And it changed me, Mom

You changed me, Mom

You burned me, Mom

And I can’t feel my nerve endings anymore because they died in the fire

You are a liar

---

I can’t tell anymore if I even feel emotion

I don’t know if any of this matches reality

If the tears I’m crying as I write this are even real

If I can even feel pain

If I’m a psychopath

They will never understand you

---

It feels like I was raised on a steady

Drip

Drip

Drip

Drip

Of ketamine

With a half-silvered mirror view of the world

Dissociated from pain

That would have killed me

If I could have felt

Or did I feel

Or am I mad

Or are you mad

Or am I mad

Or am I mad

They will never understand you.

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