Source
r/OCPoetry•
Sora1499

The End of the World

Feedback Received!

Corpses abandon their graves.
The sea submerges an ocean path.
Fireflies burst into flames.
From cracks in the road
We can watch the monsters rise
With their foggy breath and
Gleaming eyes.
Ah, listen to the trumpets
Calling the winds and giant waves-
The falcon is gone,
Look up instead
At the blood-red sun
And the clouds bleeding fire.

Feedback: https://www.reddit.com/r/OCPoetry/comments/4ofwuo/combed_a_haiku/

https://www.reddit.com/r/OCPoetry/comments/4og1gf/waiting_on_the_words/

I could use a better last line. I'm thinking maybe "And the vultures overhead."

Posted Jun 17, 2016, 1:10 AM UTC · edited

46
februarythoughts•

I think your idea of, "and the vultures overhead" would sound really good :)

2
angelcakexx•

I liked the ending, but I thought that the second and third lines felt a little incomplete. The second could use a little bit of clarity, but maybe the third needs another line to go with it. Just a thought! But I was grabbed from the first line.

2
Sora1499OP•

I'll definitely give them a look. What I changed it to was "In dark-drenched forests/Fireflies burst into flames."

1
JUST-BANTER•

I like the image of the "clouds bleeding fire", it leaves a very strong imprint. Change it if you want, but it's probably not necessary

2
ParadiseEngineer•

Some rich imagery and an interesting theme. Perhaps 'And the clouds bleeding fire / vultures overhead' at the end?

Are some of the ideas in this poem taken from the bible? There's a passage that I can't seem to find about a vision of the end of the earth, which talks of the dead rising, toad headed demons coming up from the earth and seven angels coming down from the heavens.

2
Sora1499OP•

I made that change and the poem sounds much better for it.

I didn't take these images straight from the bible but I definitely had Judeo-Christian mythology and motifs in mind when I made it since those religions are so apocalypse-happy. The falcon leaving is a reference to The Second Coming, for instance, and it's a way Jesus is commonly portrayed (see The Windhover by Hopkins for an example).

Thank you for the good suggestion!

1