Oh, How I Wish it Were Autumn
Oh, how I wish it were autumn,
And that you were not on my mind.
In the chilly breeze of the morning
I would pack you away, as my thoughts
Turn to other, more pressing matters.
The crunch of leaves would dispel your voice,
The red sun rising would rid me of your face,
And the cool, clammy drizzle on my arms,
Would surely do away with your touch.
But instead it is midsummer, and love
Is now as changeable as fairies make it.
You place your head in my lap,
And I stroke your hair whilst you doze,
Like a large, yet well-behaved lab
If autumn comes and you are still here,
Some changes might then be due Good Sir,
For although I am happy to feed your fancies,
My appetite too must be sated.
In the late September sun,
I shall lay down my head on your thighs,
Demanding that my hair be stroked till I find sleep.
And when it is found I hope that you look down upon me,
And find some love in your heart, as I do for you.
Enough, perhaps, to last through Winter.
https://www.reddit.com/r/OCPoetry/comments/4qpnrs/mechanations_machination/d4w2xgy
https://www.reddit.com/r/OCPoetry/comments/4qnk7x/coke_bottle/d4w309g
Posted Jul 2, 2016, 12:43 AM UTC · edited
I liked your poem. The structure is tight, and the idea behind it is very nice--that if it weren't for the season you'd be over the old love affair. Very classical, somehow.
One critique, and it's tiny, would be the word "whilst". This was my only off moment; the mood it evokes is almost an anachronism, even for a formal poem like this one.
Thank you for my feedback. I'll consider changing "whilst" to "while".
It will be a heartfelt piece either way.