Source
r/OCPoetry•
ShadowRevJ

The Great Sum of All Beauty

Feedback Received!

For a time I was silent Whispers slipping soundlessly through my lips Content to bask in the beauty that was around me

The great sum of wars, death, life, and battle Crushed, collapsed, pressed down, and more Still running over, seeping through the seams

This great thing could not be contained Nor could I hope to capture its essence For without resistance, and without a fight It slowly spun existence

With all of this, and none the wiser Still silent, and wordless, I sat I thought aloud, dreamt in color And forgot what the river had left

A trail of tears and a trail of blood This path continually swept For fear of erosion and a stream of mud Its life was all but kept

Without moving I contemplated this turn And wondering what else I could do Silently, wordlessly, I continued to sit

For it could not be changed It could not be tamed The Great Sum of All Beauty, was it

Feedback 1 2

Posted Jul 5, 2016, 6:17 AM UTC · edited

23
ShadowRevJOP•

Firstly, thank you for the kind comment. As to the capitalization, I simply capped the first word of each line, as well as the title of the poem itself at the end.

Cheers!

2
RufinTheFury•

First off, I think you may have formatted this incorrectly judging purely from the random capitalization that seem to start new thoughts after one ends.

Secondly, the writing is excellent. Great imagery and the emotions are clearly conveyed. The point of the poem is clear even with a slightly obscuring veil over it. I highly enjoyed it. It flows very well, especially:

For fear of erosion and a stream of mud Its life was all but kept

There's a good rhythm throughout the whole piece. It's not bouncy, but smooth.

1
[deleted]•

[deleted]

1
gwrgwir•

So.. to reply to a user, use the reply button under their comment (since otherwise you're replying to yourself). The formatting could use work, and there's a guide on the sidebar to help with that. The RES plugin also helps, since it's got a live preview option.

In regard to the poem itself - there's some good alliteration, but the piece could use work from a narrative/metaphor/punctuation standpoint. Whispers are nominally soft, yes, but they're vocal expression - hence, they can't be silent/soundless. I think the ending of the piece (last stanza) gives away too much and changes the tone/focus of the whole. I like the idea of the stream/erosion/trail/etc, but it could be expanded/tightened slightly. My suggestion for possible editing is below.

 

Though I was silent,
Whispers slipped through my lips,
Content to bask in surrounding beauty.

The great sum of war, death, life, and peace:
Crushed, collapsed, pressed down, and yet -
Still running over and seeping through the seams.

How could I hope to capture its essence?
For without resistance or defiance
It slowly spun reality.

Throughout this, none the wiser,
Still silent and wordless, I sat.
I thought aloud, dreamt in color,
And forgot what the river had left:

A trail of tears and blood,
This path continually swept
For fear of erosion.

Without moving, I contemplated this turn
And wondering what I could do.

Silently,
wordlessly,
I continued to sit.

1