You Told Me
This is meant to be heard: https://youtu.be/7auQaqwa9SQ
You told me on a Thursday Night
My mouth smiled though I told him not to
My heart, wildly beating so loud you must have heard it
And that’s what made you smile too
Because no words came out of me
Not a sound in the world could express how I felt
If I’d found the right word I’d have said it
But I didn’t
I just stood there
Like a fool
But you like that about me, don’t you
The way you can render an otherwise eloquent man
To a babbling, rambling, shambling idiot within the span
Of a sentence
Or a smile
Or a movement
Or anything, really
And I’ll never come close to you
Not even nearly
Three words, eight letters, the best night of my life
You told me on a Saturday Evening
I rose to my feet to envelop you in my arms as you cried
My life completely changed for the better, forever, by you
Our meals sat forgotten, growing cold
As we laughed and cried, feeling silly
While a restaurant full of people smiled and applauded
Long enough for us to want to run away with embarrassment
And hide somewhere alone
Just the two of us
With our happiness
So I signalled for the bill
And you scurried off to retrieve our coats
And we hurried off to complete the most
Wonderful night
The look in your eyes
Purest delight
One question, one answer, the new best night of my life
You told me on a Sunday Afternoon
In the garden of an old castle with the ground soft from rain
But not enough to dampen the spirit of our day
It was amazing
I expected to be nervous but the nerves never came
It was the logical next step
Nothing else would make sense at this point
Your handpicked dress made mush of my brain
Supple, slick, the castle, a blur in the wake of your beauty
I made a promise
You made a vow
A flock of friends and family gathered around
To bear witness to our love and the smile on my face
Can never be gone
As you are the ultimate
As you are the one
Two rings, one knot, the first day of the rest of my life
You told me on a Friday Morning
The phone lead in my hand, my face turned to stone
My dreams lay dead in the water being carried away
On a tide heading nowhere but rocky shore
You rendered me speechless
Hardly unprecedented
But this time was different
You needed comfort but I couldn’t lend it
I was stunned
The thought of…
I headed straight home to be by your side
But I was alone for an endless drive
Through streets I knew
Past
Present
Future
I thought all three were the same I was wrong
About so many things
About what lay ahead
About what life brings
One test, one result, the worst day of my life
You died on a Tuesday, I don’t remember what time
I’m so grateful that it was painless, that it was dignified
But I hate that it happened
We had so many plans
We were to travel the world
Start off in Northern France and then Belgium
Holland and down through Germany, through Switzerland to Milan then
Look at me, I’m rambling again
This is what happens when I don’t know what to say
Or do
I get confused
And then I just talk and talk
See when I feel like this my instinct is still to talk to you
But I can’t
And I never will again
And I’ll have to live with that
Until the very end
One inoperable tumor, one incredible wife
The last day of my life
 
https://www.reddit.com/r/OCPoetry/comments/4rm91f/scrapping_a_poem_braided_poem_1/
https://www.reddit.com/r/OCPoetry/comments/4rme3h/the_last_man_alive/
I'm more than a little disappointed with how this turned out, to be honest. It started really well but tailed off. When I first heard my reading back I really didn't like it. I considered not sharing but I have with this question in mind: What am I doing wrong? My last piece on here was widely slated and now this has turned out poor. Where do I really need to improve?
Posted Jul 7, 2016, 9:37 AM UTC
The narrative here is nothing too bold or offbeat, but that isn't a bad thing. Love and loss are themes that for all of human past and future we will continue to explore.
I haven't been able to listen to the spoken version as I'm at work, so my criticism is based on the written text alone. I think where this poem falls short is mostly a lack of personal touch. The narrator doesn't really do much to paint an image of his lover, nor does he distinguish her from anybody else. Sure, you mention locations visited and plans made, but they're broad and by the end they should really be allowed to carry a lot of emotional weight because of the ending.
Part of the beauty of love poems, to me, is that we find a way to relate the stories told to our own romantic lives no matter how far removed from our own realities they are. Don't be afraid to make your romance nuanced and unique. Think about generic romance movies. Sure, they hit you in the fuzzies a little, but they don't have a lingering or profound impact on you. Watch the Before Sunrise trilogy to see how powerful a nuanced story can be. I have never met a French girl on a train to Vienna, but goddamn did I internalise that narrative and imagine my own life as something so rich.
In terms of your poem structure, the line breaks make the story feel way too stuttered for me. There are sections where it's used to good effect, but the whole piece feels disjointed. I'm by no means saying this is a bad piece of writing, but I believe you've just laid the foundation for something that comes more from a place of personal beauty. Personally I'd look at reworking this whole piece in that vein, so I won't critique individual parts, although I'm happy to if you're eager for that. Thanks for sharing.