"My Life"

I like this a lot. Is the "defining the line between you and I" part referring to the narrator and his younger self, or another person?

I really dig the way it's laid out, but I can't tell if the narrator is talking to himself, or an outsider.

Your use of imagery is pretty impressive, it is absolutely laced with the the unforgivingly self-deprecating nature of self-loathing.

Lines i particularly liked:

On the last lap of the human race.

One example of word play, that I'm always fond of. I could pull two different meanings from this sentence (and indeed I did) based on the definition of lap that is interpreted.

A stranger who calls often / Enough to know your name, / Yet not the things you want to change.

This is an excellent wording of the idea of superficial sympathy. I know that I've tried to convey it multiple times, and this accomplishes it better than anything I've used I think.

and finally,

But instead, fell in two and stayed to die.

More word play! I wouldn't praise it twice if it wasn't so well implemented haha. Coupled with the previous line the double meaning made by the words 'in two'(into) is just perfect.

I like the formatting and how the indentations serve as introspective commentary on the previous statement.

I do have a bit of suggestion. Despite your notable use of imagery later in the poem, I find the weakest line in this poem to be both the name and the hook. They may both fit it's subject matter well, but they're terribly cliche. Writing about one's own life is probably one of the best places to draw inspiration from and is indeed commendable, but there needs to be some sort factor that sets it aside from the simple format of "Here is my life, this is what it is."

Perhaps it could be conveyed as a metaphor or something, but there's definitely a more interesting way of introducing your subject matter than just saying "My life is a struggle." Without meaning to sound rude, everyone's life is a struggle, give the reader insight that lets them understand the uniqueness of it.

To take a page from Lana's book the biggest thing lacking is the "Why should I give a damn?" factor. She could obviously convey this much better than I, but without any sort of draw from the start it sort of brings forth the question why should I care?

Obviously poetry is very often written to convey emotions that we otherwise can't make clear, and of course I would never discourage that as a source. You just have to know that people still need some sort of stake, or some sort of lure that keeps them wanting to read, rather then just hearing someone tell them why life is struggle.

Paint a picture, make the reader see a scene of someone horribly removed from humanity and fighting tooth and nail just to find a way to make it work, you've got the right details, some of this content was golden, just work on the framework to make it a little more engaging.

As a side note, while your poem was not necessarily jarring to read, if you're new to this sub I would advise you take a look at the Poetry Primer on Metric Feet, it's a pretty fantastic guide on how to get the flow of your poems to be a little more even.

You've got some mighty fine imagination and a great sense of metaphor so I don't doubt for a moment your capability as a writer. I personally enjoyed this very much, it could just use a little more poetic approach in the beginning. Thank you for the read!

interesting. I do not quiet get it but I think I can atleast guess what it you may be trying to imply, i.e not clueless sort of a 'do not quiet get it'.

Its interesting. different from the poems one usually reads.

A certain style in formatting that's not usually adopted... good to see that.

not a great effort to rhyme but there are lines still that rhyme .. its good when one does not force things to rhyme ...

keep up

Love the idea of destroying your own innocence, and trying to find a place growing up in such a turbulent world. Great work