The First Time, Again

Thank you for sharing this poem. I have some elements I'd like to focus on:

Perhaps I'm a product of the institution, but whenever I come across a poem in meter I always add an extra level of scrutiny. Part of it is stylistic--this form fell out of favor in academia, although it's always flourished at smaller levels. However, another layer of criticism I apply to rhyme and meter is that locking written expression into an algorithm immediately limits that expression. This isn't necessarily a bad thing, but it polarizes the risk and reward; if you can pull it off, there's double the payout. However, what happens most times is that the singsong style of the verse limits it's potential--and I think that's happening here a bit. Assigning a pattern can make your words seem forced--which makes them seem insincere. For example:

As I slowly approach the emerald sea,
(--/--/-/--/)
I know precisely what's confronting me
(-/-/---/-/)
(There should be a stress on the first syllable of "confronting, but doing so is awkward).

Generally speaking, long adverbs in a metric poem can seem insincere--like you're just buying time to arrive at the verb.

Sometimes, though, you get it just right, and I feel transported for a moment to something from Frost or Poe. For example:

And no longer know what lies past the shore

Lovely. Hit just the right chord on that line.

In summary, I think you've written a very heartfelt poem that lives up to the lofty price of rhyme and meter in several areas. I would recommend giving this one some time to marinate; afterward, come back and wrestle for some tighter fits.

Thanks!

This is a very "pretty" poem, and that's not a compliment that I give very often. The images, the rhyme, the language, the literal structural uniformity of the line lengths is all pleasant on the mind and eye.

In my feedback I always try to comment on the emotional vibe or ambiance that a poem gives, as I feel that is one of the most important aspects to a piece. This one is very relaxing to me.

I thought that your rhyme and meter were well executed here, and along with all the ocean imagery I couldn't help but feel a gentle back and forth, like the tide coming in and out, or swaying in a hammock. This probably feeds into the "pretty" adjective from before, too.

I really like your interpretation of the "I wish I didn't know now what I didn't know then" trope. It's something that's been reflected on many times, but you've done it in a way that I feel is refreshing and unique.

My only actual criticism would be about the parenthetical lines, 16 & 17. I honestly think you could do without them in this poem at all. The parenthesis themselves are kind of distracting, and they draw a lot of attention to those lines. Unfortunately I also think that the lines are out of place to begin with, and emphasizing them that way is like taking a highlighter to the only blemish on an otherwise lovely poem.

The reason I say they don't fit mostly comes from the word "data." In a poem that is otherwise so full of this nice beach and water imagery I'm struck by the ... technological implications of the word. I know that data doesn't necessarily imply computation, but it just seems so incongruous with the rest of your piece, and like I said the parenthesis really draw attention to it.

I definitely agree with Brett. While "ponderous strata" is pretty delicious phrasing, the mention of data in a heavily naturalistic and serene poem is sort of awkward and jolty.

The themes in this piece are great and I think the rhyme works pretty well. Like rolls_for_initiative said, the meter could use a bit of tightening up but it is certainly not bad as-is. You've created a really special and beautiful poem. The bittersweet nostalgia is almost painful. Well done.

very well done, reading this felt mysteriously good.