Source
r/raisedbyborderlines•
Kronosan

The greatest gift my mom will ever give me...

My Wife and I were talking the other day and I had one of those "moments of clarity."

For years I've struggled with various health issues, from moderate to severe. Issues that led me to alter my lifestyle, fear for my death, lead to disability etc. Most of the issues have now resolved and after a heart surgery last year I no longer have any major risks or problems (party on dude!).

Anyway, back to the talk with the wife... We were reminicising and going through some seasons of life and she got real quiet. After prompting she asked my about my health, particularly in the seasons where my mother had black listed me and refused interaction. Low and behold, my health was and now is much better... When she was out of my life. Which makes me think...

The greatest gift she could ever give me, is her absence.

What a really weird thought, though it is truth. She causes so much stress my body physically responds. Bleh!

I started thinking about all the work I need to do, so that I don't have significant emotional responses around her and don't have traumatic stress... But then I thought, is that really fair? That I would have to be the one to do "work," when she clearly has the problem and won't change? Wouldn't it be better if I just simply didn't have contact? After all, I don't have these major experiences with anyone else and I deserve not to jeopardize my health. Something I need to think about for sure.

Maybe someone could explain "greyrock" to me or the types of contact that they have had with their BPD mothers. Things are in a strange space right now with her, I called her out for her lies and manipulations and won't likely interact with her for months or years. I just don't know what level of interaction I should allow in the future.

Thanks for letting me vent everyone!

Posted Aug 1, 2016, 2:52 AM UTC

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lonely-cubone•

Hello!

I have noticed a similar correlation. I've been very unwell recently and picked up on the connection between severity and exposure to excess stress. It's like our bodies know something isn't right.

From my understanding, grey rock is to be boring. Very boring. Like one-word responses boring and treat every jab like an awkward public fart. Medium chill is like the light and breezy version of grey rock as it's vapid enough to give the impression you're engaged when you're actually thinking about marbles. So kind of like boring over-easy rather than hard-boiled. I think I might be hungry which explains the sudden fixation with eggs...

So happy to hear your health problems are doing well though! Congratulations! Have some kittens in party hats! https://img.buzzfeed.com/buzzfeed-static/static/2014-11/4/14/enhanced/webdr02/enhanced-15197-1415130666-1.jpg

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KronosanOP•

:)

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Fighting4MyFreedom•

I recently started somatic experiencing trauma therapy that is based on the notion that the "Body Keeps the Score," the name of the seminal book on the topic. Our bodies do remember the abuse and they store it in the form of pain and illness. It has been medically established. https://www.newscientist.com/article/mg22429941-200-the-lifelong-cost-of-burying-our-traumatic-experiences/

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PranaMoon•

The most difficult part of recovery to me is letting go of that "should" idea. I've been brought up to believe that I SHOULD do whatever my mom wants. My behavioral ethics were built around walking on her eggshells. But "should" is actually something you get to decide for yourself. You SHOULD do what is right and healthy for you. What feels balanced and good.

I'm in a weird middle-ground right now, responding to my mom's emails but keeping my responses short. I don't really want to communicate with her but I'd feel unhappy if she thought I didn't care.

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KronosanOP•

Your comment have me a flood of relief, thank you for your input. Wow. I feel like I was built emotionally to walk out her will. No more.

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kittenmommyYour Fearless Leader, Survivor of uBPD Mom•

I'm so glad your health is improving!

I'd remain NC if I were you. You don't need that stress in your life, and you're right - why should you be the one to do all the work so that the relationship isn't stressful?

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Fighting4MyFreedom•

I'm so sorry you suffered health issues and glad you're feeling better. I have NO doubt in my mind that the chronic illness I developed (now in full remission thankfully) and all the myriad health problems I have were caused by growing up with an uBPD mother (Queen/Witch variety). And I have grappled with this question for a few months now. The conclusion I came to is that the healing is for ME. The problem was that with PTSD, every time I would have an interaction with another person out in the world with any of the triggers I had with my mom, I would have a flashback. So even if I cut my mother out of my life (I am VLC), the problem lived on in my body and emotions. So I decided to seek help to heal for myself, so I don't have to curtail my life out of fear of angry people, or authority figures, or bullies, etc. I want to live a full life and that means healing my triggers. Having said that, I have chosen to gray rock and have VLC with my mom simply because she continues to be intermittently abusive and I refuse to tolerate abuse from ANYBODY, including my "mother." I don't owe her my health...my life. Neither do you. Neither does anybody. My mom has already wasted hers. I'm not going to allow her to waste mine, too.

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Fighting4MyFreedom•

Somebody on this sub posted great articles explaining "information diet" and gray rocking in detail. If I find them, I'll post a link.

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KronosanOP•

Thank you for that. Really.

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Fighting4MyFreedom•

My pleasure. This sub is a life changer.

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Just_smh•

Low and behold, my health was and now is much better... When she was out of my life. Which makes me think... The greatest gift she could ever give me, is her absence.

Right? One of the things that gives me strength as I do the work to move from feeling good about VLC to NC is that in the 9 or so years she and my brother were mostly absent from my life...I bloomed. Quite literally...I bloomed. Despite a bit of a recent setback I am still in a much better place than I would be had they not given me that gift. For you...it's a cessation of serious health issues. Definitely don't ignore that. Like...write it on the bathroom mirror or something "No contact is the healthy choice" or something".

In VLC I unknowingly did greyrock. I just didn't want to share anything personal to avoid being mocked or dissuaded. So our conversations were mostly about the weather and the evil bastards at Comcast. Things deteriorated over time though. She got kinda...frustrated that I wasn't sharing and just started getting aggressive. Trying to bait me into fights that I didn't want to have...which would effectively end the conversation.

I think before her medical crisis and the initiation of NC we spoke only on Birthdays and Major holidays. Almost never "just because", which we used to do all the time (pre-therapy).

I started thinking about all the work I need to do, so that I don't have significant emotional responses around her and don't have traumatic stress... But then I thought, is that really fair? That I would have to be the one to do "work," when she clearly has the problem and won't change? Wouldn't it be better if I just simply didn't have contact?

Whether you cut contact or not you'll have to do the work, unfortunately. And no...it isn't fair. You're being asked to clean up after a shitshow that you had no part in putting on. Thing is...you're not doing the work for her...you're doing it for you. So that you can feel better about your life and your decisions regardless of what they mean for her.

The work really is for you. I'm sorry you have to do it but...it's not the worst I don't think. The worst is being in the dark, which is not a place you are anymore. So...there's that :)

Best to you!

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Kat82292•

I get that.

I'm 24 and I have C-PTSD, around my Mom I was constantly stressed out...getting headaches all the time. I felt tired all the time and stayed up late just to have some peace and quiet. The house was so noisy and I didn't have my own bedroom to retreat to. My Mom and brother were constantly calling me, imagine hearing your own name called over and over....for stupid things they don't feel like doing.

Ugh.

Well, now that I don't live there....I don't have any of those health problems anymore.

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