a prayer of consecration and dedication [feedback request]
i will say it like it’s the rosary: in five different ways
each repeated until the words aren’t real any more.
my hands are clasped and my eyes are cast
heavenwards towards You
i will accept Your love, take it as a sacrament
resting on my scraped knees.
“this is My body,” You will say, “this is My blood”.
You draw me out of my body with each bated breath
i will give freely all of the love i have-
which doesn’t stop you from taking it.
i will spit my teeth onto the marble floor as i scream it
Your lovely knuckles are cut and the blood
spilling from them is the first thing
i have ever been able to take back from You.
i will confess my love in that darkened booth.
the priest takes it from me slowly.
once i leave, i am absolved of Your sins,
ready to become Your virgin bitch once again.
i will moan my love into Your neck at 2am as you pretend
to bend over backwards for me
And we both know who’s really getting fucked here
Your talons dig into my back and for the first time
i dont even mind being trapped.
i will scream it in a language You can’t understand
because You can’t know that when i say “fuck you” all i mean is “don’t leave me”
You will tell me You love me but You spit it like a damnation
and so i will become Yours, body and soul
You will perch me on Your lap, like a pretty bauble
so i will gently kiss Your cheek with my bloodied lips.
You will try to burn me to the ground,
yet You don’t seem to know that i am already pitifully Yours.
You pour the cheap whiskey we bought together on me
and set fire to my pale, naked body and all i have left to say is
“ok”.
and so, beacause You can't sleep
You drown yourself in the Eucharist
with the body of Christ choking you
and his blood filling your nose.
You know that Your pain is the only thing that will even touch me.
“you are so good for Me”, You say
and i honestly have to agree.
https://www.reddit.com/r/OCPoetry/comments/509vtc/marked_by_the_beast/
https://oc.reddit.com/r/OCPoetry/comments/509lxl/ode_to_the_girls_that_ive_secretly_loved/
Posted Aug 30, 2016, 7:49 AM UTC
To be honest, I'm not quite sure what to make of this.
Initially, the first stanza would suggest that this is an Ode to God (or Jesus) himself.
Then, as the narrative progresses, we get the rather unsettling imagery of losing one's teeth, before profanity creeps in, then death, then? a reference back to God, before the final, self-served damnation.
Aside from a few cliché phrases mingled in, your imagery is strong, shocking and visceral. The deliberate lack of capitalisation of 'I' and purposeful capitalisation of 'You' is a nice, hyperbolic and biblical touch. However, the consistency of this varies, and needs fixed.
This is an interesting phrase. As it stands, it contributes the feelings of the speaker, but because of the demonic implication given the context, it gives us an unsettling insight into the twisted character of the speaker too (give the level of blasphemy and sacrilege) Good job.
The use of enjambment here supports the chilling narrative, immersing the reader in bewilderment and fear at the increasing darkness of this piece.
The tone here is deplorable, which aptly fits the mood of this tongue-in-cheek mockery that concludes the piece. It certainly makes the reader uncomfortable, so it does it's job well.
Overall, this is quite good, and my only real critique is that, whilst the poem fits the title, it seems superfluously long-winded on occasion and could do with a word-trim.
Thank you! I agree, it could be further trimmed down... would you believe that the original was like 300 words longer?!
Thanks for your very thoughtful response