Thanks Meaty! I don't even think it was a conscious decision. I think I just fell into that particular rhythm. Glad it struck a chord with you in some way.

Just thought I would let you know I appreciated the pace you chose to give this poem, I felt that it really conveys the depth of the characters underlying emotions. I also found the ending very powerful and it really hit me.

Each stanza is about something distinct actually. It's touching on a lot of things underneath the umbrella of depression. You are definitely feeling the heart of my words though.

Hey if you have any poems you'd like an opinion on please link me! You've been great and it is really appreciated.



So rereading this I think it's more about substance abuse. But maybe that's projecting.

I think the opening stanza does kinda break up the flow visually but it's not a big deal. You can make a poem just by stitching the first and last stanzas together.

Thank you so much Hippy Homicide! Yeah it's definitely coming from somewhere personal. I'm intrigued by others interpretations and where my words can take you.

It's interesting you say that about the first stanza, because I did it deliberately. I wanted it to feel stilted to reflect the fact that the narrator didn't know where to begin. Do you think it ruins the flow of the rest of he poem though?

I love this poem. It's filled with real situations and feelings, clearly experienced by adults. It seems like your SO is dealing with the loss of his mother, which is taking a toll on you. If there's one thing I can add it's that the first stanza is stilted in terms of rhythm.

Thanks Thetics! It definitely comes from a place of quiet reflection, so am glad the tranquility is felt through the rhythm, an under current to all the bullshit. Yeah I love that line too. It's interesting where that line takes people.

It gives me both a sense of tranquility and angst and I also really like the rythm of the poem. "Then announce the end of the rainbow is in milligrams?" - this one's my favorite line.

Thanks Lana. Look forward to you throwing some opinions in my general vicinity.

We're happy to have you here!  I'll let others have a chance at a critique of this piece before offering my own.   Thank you for sharing!

*****

Edit: wordfail.  Ordering => offering

Brand new here... haven't written anything in a while and felt inspired tonight. Hit me with raw honesty, I'm all about it! Wondering if I still have something to say that matters... and whether I can find a little community here among you fellow wordsmiths. 

    He doesn't know where to begin  
    How to shake the ash  
    What to grasp.  
    And doubts  
    The reality  
    Of his palms.  

    He doesn't know where to begin.

    The posthumous sea  
    Born of dead nursery rhymes  
    And whispered treasure which God envies?

    The empty bottles  
    That fill fissures to spilling  
    Yet only momentarily frighten the dragon?

    The yin and yang  
    That will not listen nor hold  
    Such an unsteady path which cannot align?

    The Queens cup of salt  
    Which diminishes none  
    And strangles unplaced steps?

    A hangman embrace  
    Condemning dancing fingertips 
    To those empty spaces between us?

    The walls of framed knowledge  
    That tear, break and compile  
    Then announce the end of the rainbow is in milligrams?

    He doesn't know.

    So he denies the clock  
    Takes up his mother's broom  
    Smiles  
    Refuses to acknowledge the jigsaw  
    And fades away a little more  
    Each night  
    Because of it...


[Feedback 1](https://www.reddit.com/r/OCPoetry/comments/509lxl/ode_to_the_girls_that_ive_secretly_loved/d72ggjx)

[Feedback 2](https://www.reddit.com/r/OCPoetry/comments/508be8/a_nihilist_walks_into_a_bar/d72gbov)


 

Inaudible Seething