Source
r/OCPoetry•
Gummyfail

Gardening (Working Title)

Feedback Received!

A rose is a rose is a rose
and a poem equals it
If it be well made.

If my verse is flowers,
then I must be a gardener,
but not a very good one.

While others prune and
water and
whatever, until bushels
of sacred geometry
open and speckle
their oeuvre like gemstars,

I take threadbare silk
and crudely carve out
petals. I take petals
and sew haphazardly
hoping for something
beautiful.

However,
the only beautiful being
the beautiful of
childishness.

I’ve a bouquet now,
but it smells like my hands.

12

Posted Aug 31, 2016, 4:07 AM UTC · edited

48
walpen•

I like this one quite a bit, Gummy.

This is a great example of playing with a conceit throughout the piece. I love the twist in the fourth stanza that the narrator's poems are lifeless fake-roses made out of silk--the idea being that he is just appropriating extant (if fine) materials and reshaping them in a clumsy way. It also contradicts the earlier claim that he is a gardener (/poet).

There's a few bits of intentional jankiness that work really well with the self-deprecation ("and whatever", the wonderful nonce "gemstars", and the ungrammatical use of "beautiful" in the fifth stanza). "sacred geometry" is a clever metaphor for poetry with a great implied play on the word "line". The final two stanzas are just the icing on the cake for me.

Overall, really likeable, funny bit of self-deprecation with neat touches throughout

3
GummyfailOP•

Thanks, the best part is it was probably more fun to write than to read.

1
hardly_f•

I really enjoyed this. I was touched and moved, especially by the last two lines.

2
GummyfailOP•

I'm glad you did! It was based (on a much more aggressive) poem by William Carlos Williams called Pink Locust. If you like my piece, you'll no doubt like his.

1
hardly_f•

Thanks for the recommendation, upon a first read, I liked it too, although, I'll be honest, I really liked your more.

In the Pink Locust, the author provokes and asks (rhetorical) questions, I feel.

In your poem, you confess, which I favor much more. Naturally, there are times when you need to ask questions, just like there are times when you either need to confess or you need to hear confessions of others, perhaps to confess yourself.

I wouldn't say his poem is more aggresive, rather more thought provoking (not to say your piece is not...)

No matter how many times I re-read your poem, I simply like it. It really strung a chord within me and it still resonates. It captures really well how I feel in general, in fact, I've made a similar metaphor long long time ago in a piece of mine (sifting through sand only to find a rock worth polishing to see if it's a gem or just a rock), here you make similar analogy with flowers.

The only thing that, in my mind doesnt't quite fit in is the "beauty of childishness", I understand while it's there, but it seems like it's entirely different 'theme' or topic, that deserves it's own attention.

It is topic so significant, it might be "canibalizing" the entire poem, the entire piece is about the craft of poetry, the struggle to coin out a few words worth it, and suddenly there's the "childhood was beautiful" nostalgia topic.

Keep in mind, that I am by far no literary expert, I am but expressing my feels about your poem, but like I have said multiple times by now, I simply love it. I'd love to read more.

1
GummyfailOP•

I appreciate such high praise, I have quite a bit of work on here, but this one is not like the rest, really. I'll definitely look into the childishness line's weight, because I can see what you mean about it cannibalizing the work. And I'm glad you enjoyed the recommendation. He's one I just recently got into myself. I'd like to read some of your work is you comfortable posting in the sub.

1
hardly_f•

It's not that I'm not comfortable to share (I shared one brief poem of mine in the 31st of August sharethread and published in national magazine here) the problem is, that English is not my native language, I do not write in English - at very least, not under normal circumstances.

I definitely intend to translate few of my works and share here, but with translating poetry, I usually end up with different poem than it is in Czech.

I might attempt to translate a few and pm it to you if you're interested.

1