Source
r/OCPoetry•
kinless33

We'll See

Feedback Received!

If I could give her one thing it would be
A kind of love that I don't think that she
Believes that she deserves, although she does,
And in the end I'm wishing that it was
Me that she wants, although I do not know
That this will be the case, and even though
I can't foresee the path that this will take
I will be steadfast, I will not forsake
This chance I have, and though I hope she will
Stay here with me, regardless I must still
Regard with fear the truth that she may leave.
My heart has seen enough to not deceive
Me with a fool's unending trust and hope.
I still have both those things in lesser scope.
Enough at least to see me through, I pray.
The trust that she is here. The hope she'll stay.

[1] (https://www.reddit.com/r/OCPoetry/comments/52vivf/relationship/d7pyhct) [2] (https://www.reddit.com/r/OCPoetry/comments/534gfm/making_the_blackberries_bleed/d7pxwkr)

Posted Sep 17, 2016, 12:05 AM UTC

55
archerninjawarrior•

My favourite parts are the title and the final line. Together they show the obvious sense of hope with also a detached outcome independence that says if rejection comes, life will move on. I also liked that the rhymes were natural and nothing seemed forced to make one.

What I'd also say is that everything is told to the reader. There's zero metaphor or imagery, and I believe it's hard to justify using the medium of poetry to convey a message if they aren't used.

3
kinless33OP•

I'm interested that you liked the title, since I tend to not title my work and I just slapped something on to name the file. When posting, I just carried it over. I didn't know if it was too flippant or whatever, and I'm glad it worked.

I steered clear of symbolic language purposefully in this one. It was part of a discussion with another poet about the use of obfuscating language in poetry and whether or not you can get away with being more straightforward. Maybe this is more evidence that you can't.

Anyway, thanks for your feedback. I appreciate you taking the time.

1
FaolanFox•

This is kinda cool. I actually like the somewhat off-kilter beat of the lines. As a little experiment though, you may wish to try and rewrite it obeying the principles of iambic pentameter or just seeing how the flow and measure would come across if the lines atleast had an equal number of syllables. Might not be right for you or this, but fun to play around with beats. And probably wouldnt take much time editing at all. Also maybe 'the hope that she will stay' would add nore meaning to the expression. But you may have wanted it to sound like an afyer thought? Anyways good luck if you are the narrator in this. Peace

2
kinless33OP•

I went trochaic instead of iambic in this one, for no real reason, but it's still metered. I was trying for an unorthodox line break structure, too, and I'm pleased that it worked for you. Each line should have the same amount of syllables, at ten, which it looks to me like it worked out that way.

I am the narrator in this piece, and it didn't work out. But I appreciate the well wishes anyway.

Thanks for your thoughts.

1
FaolanFox•

Sorry to hear that.

And yea, you are quite right about the lines of ten. I was totally thrown off by the choppiness, in the best kind of way. All the best

2