Source
r/OCPoetry•
teiggg

Elizabeth, Mississippi

Feedback Received!

a cigarette

in between my lips

in hers, the hollow afterglow

a whimper, a song, a sigh of great relief

Billy Idol plays on the radio

 

Elizabeth lays in bed

her head heavy, bowed down

her body entangled over mine

she emerges from her second baptism,

distraught and yearning for a river

She rises swiftly from the precipice

and dons her favorite yellow dress,

 

She thanks me for my kindness

I thank her for her service

I call my wife on the telephone

I tell her everything’s alright.

 

feedback 1: https://www.reddit.com/r/OCPoetry/comments/55g0ok/to_be_opened_after_my_passing/

 

Feedback 2: https://www.reddit.com/r/OCPoetry/comments/55fp5p/and_yet_were_still_forgiven/

Posted Oct 3, 2016, 11:07 AM UTC · edited

62
pseudonymousbach•

I really really like this. I don't have much in the way of criticism, except for that the last line feels just a little awkward in the wording. I think it's the repetition of "I [verb]" three times over after all of the really awesome imagery you created seems a little lackluster. But it brutally honest, so I do appreciate that about it.

But my goodness, the first and second stanzas are amazing. "in hers, the hollow afterglow" and "she emerges from her second baptism / distraught and yearning for a river" are amazing lines. This is really wonderful.

1
FrenklanRusvelti•

Recently I've been trying to widen my gaze, and just try to grasp that every person I see, hear, or read, is their own unique being. With their own stories, memories, loves, and regrets.

This poem really helps with that. The simplicity and open-endness lets the mind run wild trying to imagine what led up to that moment, and what happened after, painting a picture of who you could be.

I adore the line "she emerges from her second baptism, distraught and yearning for a river".

1