Source
r/OCPoetry•
pseudonymousbach

Stuck

Feedback Received!

he likes to call me dollface

and i let him unravel my threads,
because i'm not quite porcelain like he seems
to think - more so a rag doll, yarn for
hair, buttons for eyes, soft and
easy.

we started as a series of stolen things:
glances, secrets, moments in a walk-in freezer,
and i keep wondering how that all led us
here, stealing time as
he lights a bowl and i
dance circles in his living room

all the while he is watching
like he is in a museum, and i am
art behind a glass to
stare at, never
touch

he reaches out and falls short,
calls me over but never follows through,
pulls my threads and
sews me up again
each time
he calls me
dollface

1 2

My first poem posted here. I'm very on the fence about this one.

Posted Oct 3, 2016, 1:38 PM UTC

1018
BenitoJuarez98•

Overall, I really enjoyed this. The word "easy" holds much power for being a rather simple word. Your first and last stanzas are strong. Good work.

6
pseudonymousbachOP•

Thank you (:

1
tamingthemind•

I like it. Do I sense grocery store love? :P

3
pseudonymousbachOP•

Thanks! Restaurant industry, which I have quite the love-hate relationship for in itself.

1
[deleted]•

[deleted]

3
pseudonymousbachOP•

You're so kind, thank you (:

1
thedishevelledwriter•

It has a certain flow. Although I don't understand the gist of it. Especially the second half. It feels like you were trying to cut down stanzas and patched up the lines. The way it is arranged, it looks cut off midway.

The flow is fine. Descriptions are good. Vocabulary is nice. Assortment of words okay. You started very well. :)

3
pseudonymousbachOP•

I think the second stanza has a lot to do with that cut off midway feel, I'm not super happy with that stanza honestly, so I definitely get what you mean here. u/ettuaslumiere mentioned the unraveling feeling of the poem, which is what I was trying to go for with the shorta stanzas/lines toward the end, I don't think I executed it perfectly though yet, so I sorta think I get what you mean. Your comment is really helpful, thank you (:

2
thedishevelledwriter•

I'm glad to have helped. Your poem is very interesting. The style is nice :).

1
ettuaslumiere•

I like this a lot. The way the lines run shorter and shorter in each stanza is nice, it reminds me of the threads unraveling in the doll. I agree that the first and last stanzas are the strongest and I think the second stanza is definitely the weakest; it doesn't add much to the poem.

3
pseudonymousbachOP•

I'm glad I got that unraveling feel across. I agree that the second stanza is the weakest as well, I've tried reworking it a thousand times, I don't have the heart to scrap it completely though. Thanks for the feedback!

2
Ian_The_Great1507•

I like the style and I find it creepy in a good way. Is it about a doll, someone who's been kidnapped, or someone in a bad relationship? I like the ambiguity.

3
pseudonymousbachOP•

Thank you (: The relationship is the definition of 'it's complicated', haha, so I guess the ambiguity you got was pretty fitting.

1
brenden_norwood•

This is brilliant. I think it encapsulates perfectly the way that in relationships, partners can be treated as objects or toys. I would agree with the other feedback that it does have good flow. I think the metaphor is novel and engaging, and provokes a lot of thought for the simplicity of it. The repetition of the idea "he calls me dollface" is juxtaposed against itself, the first time being a pet name and the second time as a manifestation of truly how the partner feels about the narrator. Love it.

The only thing I would change is the title. While I can kind of see where it might tie in, I think that you can come up with a title that's more fitting to the themes of the piece. Perhaps (off the top of my head): "A Love Threadbare"? Or "Love Unraveled"?

Thank you for sharing, this really is a great poem! :D

3
pseudonymousbachOP•

I'm absolutely miserable with titles, I love your suggestions though, I'll probably end up going with "Love Unraveled" from here on out if that's fine with you. Thank you so much for the nice words (:

2
brenden_norwood•

Totally cool with me, glad I could help! :) and thank you for the awesome work :D

1
Sora1499•

I think it's good. The extended metaphor is well-used and your themes are handled with care.

1
pseudonymousbachOP•

Thank you (:

1
GenericGropaga•

Not much of feedback but I really liked this

1