Haiku
Posted Oct 5, 2016, 2:32 PM UTC
713
Short, quick, to the point, yet also induces deeper questions regarding the universe that I find quite powerful; I like it and would quote it on my wall if I still had my old collection of notes pinned to their board.
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Thank you, means a lot :D
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The comparison of birds to a constellation is good. It is a solid concept for a haiku, I think. But there are some issues with execution.
The minor one first: I don't like the use of "a" or the word "form" here -both seem like they could be implied by other means.
The second line is quite weak. "shifting shimmering" conveys very little image -it is quite abstract- until it is pinned down with the following line "constellations". It seems like that word is bearing too much of the load, and the reader is forced to go through a bland second line to get there.
I don't like that we have shifted from all monosyllables in the first line to comparatively clunky polysyllables for the final three words.
The phrase "flock of birds" is pretty vague. I can picture a seagull, or a robin, or a heron. I can't picture a "bird". What kind of birds are these? For the poem to work visually I need to know.
What colours are the birds? How fast are they moving? What colour is the sky? I need some more detail.
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Hi, thanks for reading! All of your feedback is valid, I've fixed the main issues you've noticed (except the "a", I'd like to keep that so that there's a small scale/large scale thing going on) and this is the new version:
a flock of starlings:
migrating
constellations
Edit: As far as the details, I'd like to keep it a conscise haiku with emphasis on the comparison
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I like those changes. I also quite like that "starling" has the word "star", which suits the constellation.
I think you should also consider using either a semi-colon or a dash instead of a colon.
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Not bad at all, good post.
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[deleted]
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Not bad and i don't really like haiku
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Thank ya
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I don't know about this one. The second line feels overwrought, the alliteration of the descriptions almost a distraction. I might try moving more of the work into your nouns and the relations between then. For example, if you chose a particular bird (starlings seem obvious) you would not need to describe them as shifting, and the stars would take care of shimmering. I also might find some reason for the constellations to be flock like as right now it's a bit of a leap (maybe they are viewed through rain or through the long views of eons or something). I like the juxtaposition here, it's striking, but it could be cut to its core.
Thank you Walpen! The title I'm thinking will be "Migrating Constellations" to reinforce more the link: the way constellations shift during different months like birds migrate. What would you think of a revised version with your suggestions:
a flock of starlings:
migrating
constellations
+1, I think it works
Fantastic, thanks dude :D
I like the new version a lot too.