New-Form Haiku: No Title
I will be linking to this thread from elsewhere for discussion, but otherwise, feel free to comment. The poem:
I am a path,
Who in want of feet,
Takes on leaves.
Posted Oct 15, 2016, 12:31 AM UTC · edited
1413
Instead of using vowel strength, have you considered adjusting your point system for diphthongs and triphthongs (and monophthongs) and plosives?
fire = 3 (cause triphthong)
apt = 2 (monophthong and ending plosive)
a = 1
Anyway, the piece itself is interesting without being an academic test, but the 1st person perspective feels weird to me, and ridding it allows for more space.
a path
in want of feet
takes on leaves
has me thinking about my own (much less restricted) works in the form and how I could shape them up.
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In some ways that modified poem sounds very nice, but I suppose I didn't write it that way because the poem is very much a statement of the self.
Edit: Also, maybe talk about the style of haiku in the other thread?
1
Gummyfail has a point. If you're writing a traditional haiku, the self shouldn't be in it. That's usually the perview of senryu, not haiku. But tonally, this is definitely nothing like a senryu.
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My self is nature, so a haiku. =P
1
Wat
3
I like that this can be interpreted in a thousand ways, but the first thing that comes to mind is that desire makes you vulnerable and open to things that you otherwise would not settle for. I'm intrigued by your thought process of analogizing desire with a setting in nature, but it works so well here. Great, great job!
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I never thought I could feel for a path, but you did it to me.... That's the point of poetry though, isn't it? To make people feel things they never thought they could. Solid work!
2
From what I can tell, this is a haiku about loneliness.
I think that the comparison is intriguing, but I think it needs more clarification. By saying you want to be walked on, that brings on negative conotations, like you want to be hurt in some way. I think the metaphor should be cleaned up a tiny bit. A good way to do that would be to add a title--some kind of phrase that connects the theme to the leaves, and gives the poem new meaning. As of now, the purpose feels a tiny bit muddled.
Criticism aside though, I enjoyed this. Nice work.
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I think I'm on board with this. Both the haiku itself, and the attempt at redefining the mechanics of creating English-language haiku. This definitely feels closer to the Japanese morae, both in terms of brevity, and compact thought.
I also like the nature references you used (path, leaves), which together seem to suggest an Autumnal setting. This feels very much similar to the traditional Japanese use of kigo.
The only thing really missing is some form of kireji, or "cutting-word". Japanese haiku are almost always a form of compact juxtaposition. This forms the basis for all haiku, renga, and senryu, rather than the English-language equivalents, which are rhyme, meter, and metaphor. Instead, I see three different images – the path, the feet, and the leaves, and it's unclear which two are being juxtaposed here. I've seen u/walpen and u/Gummyfail do some amazing experiments with punctuation replacing the traditional Japanese kireji, which is an actual word instead of a symbol. You might, for example, check out the studies on Pound they both were publishing just a few weeks ago. I wonder if any of their experiments might be blended in here and utilized.
Regardless, this is really impressive. Good work. I mean that sincerely. Easy upvote here.
I am not really sure how a cutting word would manifest in English. I just thought I would let the pattern of diction do the cutting. If you have any ideas of that, then that would be good.
And yes, you noted the seasonal reference I made there with the leaves. Very good.
Sigh...
Like I said, both u/walpen and u/Gummyfail have been doing some experiments with punctuation taking the place of the kireji, in various creative ways. You may want to check out their recent work related haiku, and studies on the poetry of Ezra Pound.
Whoops, I was not paying enough attention the first time I read this.
I'm used to it.
I was wondering if you might add these thoughts to the discussion thread in some form or another.
I have appreciated your feedback so far.