Four-line poem: No Title
Edit: Quatrain*
A pain darts across my hand,
And as I see the blood that flows,
I know I did not understand:
The lily, 'twas in fact a rose.
Posted Oct 17, 2016, 5:26 AM UTC
714
I think that the second and last line are definitively the best ones, and that the last one is the strongest because of the cool metaphor it conveys. I also like the length of it, I think its shortness adds to it. The first and third need work, though. Besides the rhymes, which are a little weak, they are a little confusing because of the wording. I don't think "pain" is the right noun to use if you want to have the indefinite article. So you could either ditch the "a" or use something else that would work better with it besides "pain." The third line is somewhat confusing. Depending on the idea you are trying to get across, maybe you could try something different? For example, if you want to say that now you get it, "Only now do I understand" or something to that effect?
1
Well, seems everyone agrees that the hand/understand rhyme is the lighter one and the flows/rose is stronger. I have often felt that way about this. I have often wondered if I should change it, or if I should leave it to accentuate the stronger rhyme.
A big part of what I aim to do is make the last line pack a big punch, and having it be a part of the stronger rhyme, I think, does that. What do you think?
1
You could leave the weaker rhyme in order to accentuate the stronger one, but I still feel like you need to change the wording of those lines a little.
1
I think I'm in the minority reading the other comments but I think the second line could be improved if "And as" were removed. That could just be a style preference for me, but I think It makes the "flows" -> "I know" flow a little bit better. Just my 2 cents! I'm pretty new to this.
1
I like it, so short but has enough of a concept to mean something different to a lot of people.
1
The word 'twas isn't used correctly here. 'Twas is a syncope (I have a big Poetry Primer on those stickied at the top of the Reddit right this moment) of the words "it was". But you don't need the word "it" here, grammatically. It would be more grammatically correct (and a little less pretentious, IMO) this way:
I know I did not understand;
The lily was in fact a rose.
1
That's why I was used a comma after "lily," as if to say, "The lily, it was in fact a rose." Perhaps another piece of punctuation would be more fitting than the comma, though?
1
"The lily, it was in fact a rose" is at the very least highly irregular grammar. There are two accurate ways to write this.
I know I did not understand;
The lily was in fact a rose.
Or,
I know I did not understand
The lily; 'twas in fact a rose.
Note the placement of the semicolon in both versions. The first version unpacks to "The thing that I didn't understand is that what I thought was a lily was in fact a rose". The second unpacks to "The thing that I didn't understand is the existence of the lily. Also, it was actually a rose."
Also note that in version 1, the correct word is "was", because the subject of the sentence is "the lily". But in version 2, the correct word is "'twas", because in this version "the lily" is the direct object of the previous sentence. So the next sentence needs a subject: "it".
There is no correct grammatical reason to place a comma after "lily", as there is no dependent clause in either version. If you're using punctuation in some other more modern, enigmatic way, á la E.E. Cummings, that's different. But I get the sense this piece is more in the tradition of the Elizabethan era, with its highly formalized approach and pastoral allusions.
2
Hmm, interesting proposals here.
1
I like this poem a lot. I'm into short ones and you do a very good job of compacting a lot of underlying themes into 4 lines. I saw you say you like the last line to have a big impact and I totally aim for the same thing in my work.... as do thousands of other writers. In this sentiment, it is natural that the last line is kind of a revealing or summation of what the reader is supposed to be heading towards. Here, though, it came off just a little cheesy. Roses have been compared to many things in literature so it is not some bombshell line that blew my mind when reading it. My critique would be reverse the last/first line. Make us wonder why you didn't understand or why you were deceived by the Lilly/rose-like object. When I made the switch myself I automatically starting wondering what this was about because he opens many more options than just love or physical pain of being cut. Like I said tough, the poem is good and I enjoy the writing and theme, but I think messing with the order of the lines could reinforce a different tone.
1
hand/understand kinda weak rhyme, flows/rose though much tighter
Call it, To Suppose
0
I shall call it "Quatrain #2." =P
1
I love the sentiment and I think the shortness is perfect for that sudden realization feeling. Couple of critiques, not sure why 'twas is used when was would work equally well. I think the first line also is a bit stuttery. I'm having trouble getting from darts to across without a slight pause in between ruins the motion of the pain. You could change across to 'cross. This would speed up the line which I think would help it hugely and would match up with your 'twas later on in the poem. Overall though I like it. Short, sweet and effective.
Well, seems everyone agrees that the hand/understand rhyme is the lighter one and the flows/rose is stronger. I have often felt that way about this. I have often wondered if I should change it, or if I should leave it to accentuate the stronger rhyme.
A big part of what I aim to do is make the last line pack a big punch, and having it be a part of the stronger rhyme, I think, does that. What do you think?