A Collaborative Poem with Aqua783:Urban Jungle

Feedback Received!

I would encourage everyone to try a collaborative poem at least once, they're a lot of fun and you meet some really cool people! :)

u/Aqua783 wrote part ii., I wrote part i.

Urban Jungle

i. forest

you are in the woods now, child

let leaf lullabies lull you to slumber

and cast your burdens to the earth

see sycamores greet each other like old friends

and dogwood darlings blossom love to the air

lose yourself down arbre alleyways

and sequoia skyscrapers,

birch boulevards

and aspen avenues;

you are in the woods now, child

lose yourself

ii. City

See light peek past the tops of buildings,

bounce off car bumpers and burn brightly

in your eye. Hear sirens make bird-calls

to one another, and the small talk buzz of flies.

Move through vehicle-packed paths,

and salted sidewalk cracks.

Your flowered voice flows through ears,

feathering pine needle voices.

it’s time to make the move now, child.

Find yourself.

1 2

Posted Oct 18, 2016, 6:59 PM UTC

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Aqua783•10 yr. ago

I agree, everyone must do a collab at least once! Go shout at people and get in their business to let them know they're being heard. We're not just people behind computers! and wow, the person who wrote part ii is amazing ... I kidd, I kidd. Brenden came up with the theme and I just kind of went along with it. He also sparked my inspiration for my part, so lots of credit goes to him, I think! Thank you everyone for commenting!

[deleted]•10 yr. ago

This was really interesting to get into...I think you guys did a cool mesh here//collaborative poem!

Its interesting to read the first half and feel a sense of lightness, almost of breath if that makes sense and then go onto the second poem and almost feel more heavy more condensed phrases and words.

This was a great read, the only thing I would suggest would be making the transition a bit more flow-y in order to make the two halves fit together a bit more mesh-like.

brenden_norwoodOP•10 yr. ago

I'm glad you liked it, thank you for the feedback! :)

Aqua783•10 yr. ago

Thank you so much for your comment! We could've had a little bit of "condensed phrases" at the end of part i and flowy in part ii or just flowy in part ii ... hm, that would've been an idea. thanks!

walpen•10 yr. ago

My main issue is that the two voices are kind of differentiated but not too distinct. There are clear syntactic differences in e.g. use of punctuation and line lengths, but there are also clear affinities of sonics (heavy alliteration) and register/address. I think there could be more done on a mechanical level to clearly oppose nature as a Dionysian voice on the one hand and the city as an Apollonian one on the other. With that said I think the concept is interesting and the writing solid and I'm excited to see this sort of thing on the sub.

brenden_norwoodOP•10 yr. ago

This is helpful, but just one thing, could you explain Dionysian/Apollonian? I've never really come across those terms before

walpen•10 yr. ago

They're from Nietzsche Birth of a Tragedy. Apollonian meaning characterized by control and reason and Dionysian as characterized by abandon and emotion.

brenden_norwoodOP•10 yr. ago

I'll have to read that one! Thank you walpen :)

Aqua783•10 yr. ago

oh this is excellent. I could totally see that being used in this theme. I would never have thought of that if it weren't for you; I didn't even know what you were talking about for a second and then I looked it up. That's really cool. Thanks for the feedback