Love is in the air
Posted Oct 21, 2016, 5:20 PM UTC
1413
I'm wavering about switching the third and fourth lines, so any input about that idea is appreciated as well.
1
I love this, it's so simple. I think the switch would be a good idea though, as in suffoc before asphyxi
1
Thank you. I think I will make the switch. I actually had it that way originally!
1
Neat piece, I agree the switch of L3 & L4 would be a good choice. Another thing that might be worth considering is giving 'you' its own line (maybe even toying with shortening breathe). I think some hyphens would definitely improve the pacing of reading the piece (sort of like short little gasps). At the end of it though, "hate me" feels a little weak to end on for me, but i'm not really sure what to switch it to.
1
Thanks for your feedback. I probably will switch L3 and L4.
The reason I put "breathe you" in one line was because I wanted to suggest that the speaker wants to breathe the object of the poem in. I did consider making a separate line for "you," but I think it works better as is, in part because it contributes to the flow's breathless feeling.
I'm not on board with the idea of adding hyphens. What would they add that line breaks don't?
I agree that the last line makes for a weak ending. I'm considering making the poem the first in a series, meant to be read one after the other. If I did this, would the line still be problematic?
1
Fucking brilliant man. I feel like this sometimes. That enjambment in lines 3-5 is just brilliant. What becomes most interesting is when you excise 3 and 4, and then the poem becomes "I can't breathe you hate me", or, connotatively "I can't breathe because you hate me" which I absolutely love.
1
Wow, thank you so much!
1
I do love the way the first line melts into the second, almost like an exasperated gasp for air in itself. I had to remind myself to take another breath. I disliked the last line though, it sounded childish and whimsical compared to the more elegant and profound emotions detailed in the first two lines. But I don't have any better ideas so don't take my word for it. I generally have a tough time appreciating poems in this format, but this one was pretty nice.
1
Thank you for your comment!
1
This is very very lovely. It's suffocating in and of itself, and I love how many meanings may be drawn from so sparse a piece. It speaks volumes.
1
Thank you!
1
go with the switch! makes more sense as a narrative poem. maybe even before both "asphyxi" and "suffoc"
I'm not sure I quite understand what you mean. I meant that I'm considering transposing the two lines, so that "suffoc" comes first. I think the effect this would have on the poem would be that the last line comes more abruptly rhythmically. The way I have it now, I think it comes more as a mounting shortness of breath.