Source
r/OCPoetry•
doesntgetsocialcues

The Forgetting Shop

Feedback Received!
The Forgetting Shop      

On Oak & Willow stands an antique shop,
Where people come to pawn their childhood dreams,
Or sell outright bad memories, regrets,
& all their hopes that tattered at the seams.
Old wedding rings a couple never wore,
New baby clothes the parents threw away,
Some photographs from trips we never took,
& lovers’ notes from when I should have stayed.
Each day I pass, the inventory grows,
All gathered in one cold and empty space,
No longer filling room within our hearts,
The shadow of their absence takes their place.

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Posted Oct 23, 2016, 9:02 PM UTC

410
filmdude•

I like this little poem.

It is quaint. Simple and to the point, but it draws me in as a reader and makes me want to know more. This is just my point of view, but I think the poem could benefit with more details of what the looks like, smells like, feels like, etc. I want to BE there in my mind.

Thank you for sharing your creation with us.

3
doesntgetsocialcuesOP•

Thanks. Maybe I'll add some more to it later.

1
mountAgoat•

This is a beautiful little piece of writing, and i do also agree with what filmdude commented, i was starting to build a picture in my head of a quaint little antique store in a country town, just needs that little bit extra detail to fully immerse the reader, but still beautifully written, nice work :)

3
doesntgetsocialcuesOP•

Hm, I guess I will add some more at some point. Thanks!

1
ISOaUsername•

I really enjoy the cadence of your writing. And your opening line is excellent - so simple yet establishes an image and feel for the rest of the poem.

3
doesntgetsocialcuesOP•

Thank you! I came up with the line based on an actual antique shop. I met the lady who owned it and she seemed to deal in memories, before as her trade and for discussion. I'm glad you liked it.

1
Sora1499•

I'll revisit this with a comprehensive review in the morning, but is this supposed to be a sonnet or a form of ballad?

3
doesntgetsocialcuesOP•

It's not a sonnet or ballad. It's just a poem I came up with in iambic pentameter and the rhyme scheme is ABCB DEFE GHIH.

It's inspired by that story about Hemingway. I think the story goes that people were betting on who could write the best story in 6 words and Hemingway's story was, "For sale: baby shoes; never worn."

2
nesbitandgibley•

I thought of that short story when reading this, which means I think you got that theme across!

I loved the use of meter here:

Or sell outright bad memories, regrets,

...and how 'regrets' stands alone as if to emphasise the strength of them.

It might just be me, but I found the meter went a little skeewhiff here:

Each day I pass, the inventory grows

Inventory does keep in time with the meter but because the word is read a lot faster, it kind of threw me off. Not a huge thing, just a heads up.

Really nice theme, and nicely done without fluff and clutter. Enjoyed this a lot, felt like I could really picture the shop.

2
mens-rea•

I was just about to bring that up. The lines

Old wedding rings a couple never wore,

New baby clothes the parents threw away,

reminded me of that poem. I love what you've done with it. A very clear and deliberate homage, a tip of the hat, but not an imitation.

The poem itself is beautiful. Your subject straddles the line between exaggerated reality and subtle fantasy, like a faded memory of a place that may have actually been just a dream.

It's simultaneous a real place, a literal pawn shop full of items people have no more use for, and a metaphor for the memories associated with those items.

It's this type of careful, elegant balance between extremes, I think, I that makes your poetry so appealing--the balance in your vocabulary between sophisticated and straightforward, the balance between a classical format and a modern tone. And yet in the end it comes out as honest and effortless.

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