Crow's Feet
Crow's feet.
People say from smiling,
Laughing.
Lines etched below the temple,
I am young.
And often stare into the sun,
Squinting.
Equally from grimace,
Crow's feet.
Posted Oct 25, 2016, 1:27 PM UTC
47
This poem was really unique! I enjoyed it.
I think that something like crow's feet is one of those things were the end product is the same, but what creates them can be very different ("People say from smiling, Laughing" "Equally from grimace") and I thought this poem did a great job meditating on that theme.
The narrator reveals that they are young, and I think that lets the poem be read in an entirely new light. Perhaps they are reflecting on the fact that they're getting older, and something like crow's feet was the gateway to those thoughts. Something as simple as a facial feature becomes symbolism for the inevitable progression of age, and the subsequent experiences that shape, (whether laughing or in grimace) our lives.
I love poems like this that wring a lot of complexity out of few words. Well done :)
2
thank you! I think you picked up very well what I was going for. It's kind of a 'I thought crows feet were from smiling but I'm getting them now and I know better' kind of thing. Thanks for your critique!
2
The syntax and punctuation throws me off. I wonder if there is a better way to arrange this so that it reads better, while still retaining a poetic syntax? Good luck keep it up!
1
I was going for more of a mathematical symmetry here. It does something to the flow that I personally (toot toot) really enjoy. It becomes something like a puzzle to write haha.
1
This piece is so mild, and I love it for its mildness. I agree that the punctuation is a bit weird (almost gives it a slingblade cadence), but otherwise the phrasing is fine (except for maybe the line "equally from grimace") There is this (i think) very subtle bit, so subtle I feel like i'm projecting here, using "lines etched below the temple" as a sort of mythic method-y thing to drawn from hieroglyphs, engravings, whathaveyou to compare them to the lines in your face. If that's right, i would consider pushing this a bit farther in the piece to help bring it out. If its not, (and you don't want even the possibilty) maybe use a word other than etched to keep from drawing this from the well.
1
Thanks! I used the word 'etched' for the feeling of something happening to you that you don't really have control over (i.e. time carving you up). the point is to transition the poem from the 'crows feet mean happiness' to the other side. thank you for your critique!
1
I love the simplicity and flow of the words. I like the unexpected rhyme of "young" and "sun." Something about the last 2 lines throws off this flow for me, though. Rearranging the sentence: "Crows feet, equally from grimace." I feel like it is not complete. Grimace and what? While you do answer this earlier in the poem, this thought/sentence feels incomplete to me. Maybe add another single-word line before the final "Crow's feet." This would round off the poem, keep the flow, and connect the beginning and end "Crow's feet." The first one is not attached to a sentence/stanze/thought, so the second should mirror this and be independent as well.