Source
r/OCPoetry•
kurtisgefrom

Under the Bridge

Feedback Received!
It feels like hell under here.  
The echoing concrete overpowers every word.  
You wonder how the herds become fiery when they can’t even be heard.  
It doesn’t feel like home,  
It rattles the soul.  
Addiction is hard on the streets especially when the impoverished can turn into trolls.  
What is done to the unlucky ones?  
How were they given this hand?  
That may be one thing the grateful and needy may never understand.  
I never want to be there.  
I never want to feel hopeless.  
I never want to protect my street corner by fending off crazies with clenched fists  
Not all are bad,  
The focused ones stay clean.  
Yet, most folks choose to see them as unseen.  
If they only had monumental help,  
and they became one of us,  
You better believe they’d help others in need with no fuss.  
I can’t relate to the cold nights.  
I can’t be truthful in being “hungry” or “thirsty,” not even a smidge.  
I can only pray for those who live under the bridge.

https://www.reddit.com/r/OCPoetry/comments/598h2p/two_coordinates/d9872d6/ https://www.reddit.com/r/OCPoetry/comments/59fq92/unspoken/d986ukw/

Posted Oct 26, 2016, 6:47 AM UTC

23
voeko•

This is a really cool piece of poetry! I like the balance in it, and how the rhyming works out. And it has an important though dark theme. You could maybe look at the amount of syllables on each line. Some of them work really well, but I think the text would flow more freely if it had a constant beat to keep to and if some of the lines weren't as long as they are now. But in any case, this is a solid piece that I like and that I will remember. Thanks for sharing! :)

2
politicalridicule•

I like how insightful it is, but as far as rhythm and use of technique, you can do better, and I'm willing to bet you know that, too. Some of your rhyme is very childish, like clean and unseen. Some lines are really long.

That said, last night hits hard. Keep it up

2
fullmetalpasta56•

There is an untouched muse within you. We can all see what you're getting at, but I think you're editing this muse too much. Just let your fingers flow. It'll be easier to grasp for us and for you if you avoid the principle of least effort.

1