Source
r/OCPoetry•
politicalridicule

Alcoholism's Secret

Feedback Received!

This one's a little more personal. Looking for some good critique so that I can really brush this one up if need be. Thank you. Before reading, it's worth noting that I often use words incorrectly or even invent some for my own kind of effect, so if you have a question, please ask.

There’s that mad -- amia-clad

As a hopper he goes near

Yet his true standin’ panion’

Is that there mr beer

There’s (not) his boy, windingo

Like tied spumate he juts route

Through a wave of intoxic

Yet to behave as dad mocks it

Drunk dad

Hitting dad

Don’t be that dad

Worthless piece of shit

Visit the cave of dybbuk

Meet his friends budlight and huck

And lay witness to a fault

Labled only a dead man

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Posted Oct 27, 2016, 11:19 PM UTC

45
futon22•

Wow. There is intense emotion in this poem that was effectively conveyed to the reader. I hope you find peace in this situation, as the tone of this poem is very angry. Great work.

1
fayettevillainjd•

I really like this. It's a very interesting read. hard for me to critique because this is very unique for me. I'll say I don't think the rhyming scheme is necessary. kind of threw me off. all in all, very powerful.

1
politicalridiculeOP•

thank you. I think you may be right about the rhyme, I'll make amends.

1
mrbriteside616•

Great progression, in my opinion. I can clearly tell where the tone shifts and where you start to get to the main point of the poem. I love that, seeing where your thoughts are coming from and where they are going. Excellent job keeping a focused vision and goal throughout the entire poem.

I really like how you add your own touch with your own words and phrases. It makes me read it over and over again to understand what each one means, and I beg for more understanding of the poem.

Going forward, it would be interesting to see if you made the spiral more intense. The beginning is easygoing relative to the second half. If you wanted, you could make the second half more intense, creating a larger juxtaposition and cuasing more anxiety and fear to the reader and the subject of the poem. That's just my opinion, not sure if that's where you want to take the poem, but it would be cool to see a big spiral.

Great job, love your individual style!

1
politicalridiculeOP•

that's a great idea, I tried to durdle with that some earlier after reading this and I'll be focusing on this. Great criticism, It's really nice to see what is liked about a poem and what may not really matter so much

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