Source
r/OCPoetry•
mrbriteside616

Windswept

Feedback Received!

He takes me there

Places mind has held high

Pedestal placed, put

Mind home, mine home

Mind hoam things which

Happiest are

Mind hone gift of today

 

Today, rejoice

Windswept feet

Falls this for you

You, oh world, oh wonder, oh

Windswept world wonder

Wind up, falls this for you

World which is the last lease

World which is mind home

No place like

Great green rock home

 

Great green expanse

Lonely lonely

Expanse

 

Oh god of wonder

Oh god of night

Wander wide

My windswept feet.

 

1 2

Posted Oct 30, 2016, 1:53 AM UTC

38
politicalridicule•

I enjoyed it. Honestly, too. I know a lot of people are a little afraid to be honest about some of the poetry here but this really let's one'es mind wander throughout the poem. Your first stanza was a blast. I notice we have a similar kind of thought process (perhaps?) with our words, but I can't figure out "hoam."

Your last stanza seems a little straightforward. It doesn't leave me completely done with the poem, I feel like I'm missing something from it.

2
mrbriteside616OP•

Thanks for the feedback! I wanted the first part of the poem to be more full and complete, and shorten it as I continued, making the audience feel the incompleteness and loneliness I mentioned in the 3rd stanza. I wanted to portray someone alone on a planet full of nature and wonder and whatnot.

Hoam was there to have the mind hoam in on things that make you happy, almost as a synonym for focus. I was trying to get at the mind is focusing on the happiest things in its life.

1
UncleHam72•

Good use of repetition and alliteration. I'm having a hard time understanding the content though. I think maybe a step back from imagery and a little more focus on message to the reader would benefit this piece. It's all subjective though, maybe I just don't get it.

2
mrbriteside616OP•

Yeah, this one was my first try at making something very abstract and disjointed. I feel like I need to read it really slowly and pick it apart piece by piece. I was trying to leave it very open so that the reader could get from it whatever they wanted, but sometimes when you leave it so open, there's just not enough substance to find a meaning. Thanks for the feedback! I'll take that into account as I go forward with things like these!

1
ctw2800•

I found this slightly hard to read as well as a little confusing but i did like the use of word play in the first stanza, maybe try to focus on the message a little more than the literary devices.

2
mrbriteside616OP•

Thanks for the feedback! I was trying to make it a little confused and jumbled harder to read. I wanted to make it more abstract and leave more to the imagination of the reader so they can find their own meaning. Admittedly, it is kind of confusing without the context of what I was thinking when I wrote it, but I was trying to make it more difficult than usual to read. Thanks again!

1
MardyBastard•

I enjoyed this. I particularly like the last stanza, I read it as if the narrator is calling out atop a hill or something - very emotive, great stuff. I felt like the first stanza got me interested, but didn't quite hook me as strongly as it could have, luckily the rest of the poem was great. I felt as if the repetition in the first stanza could have been replaced with a stronger device. However, overall I liked it - just giving you a few things to think about and take into consideration.

2
1234567-all•

I liked this. Though for what you're going for, I would suggest going more along the lines of enchanting. Flesh out the sentences, delve into that magic..otherwise it just hits kind of along "this has been done before" though still not completely so. Or if you're going for disjointed then really go there. Make it so that its enchanting-disjointed, broken up and erratic at the same time.

2