r/OCPoetry•
MacFoster

Entanglement of Entries

Feedback Received!
  • She was shy all of the time
  • Yet she stood out, like a sheep among wolves.
  • Just looking for a way for her life to rhyme.
  • Dyed red hair cause she knew herself
  • Took off her armor
  • And threw it on my shelf
  • Said she missed her home
  • Yet she lived here, her whole life
  • I knew what she meant
  • So I gave her a knife
  • She danced with the blade
  • And it danced with my eyes
  • Once she returned
  • I pressed her scars against mine
  • She was silent in shock
  • Then she brushed away
  • Left my offering behind.
  • So I watched out the window
  • As she disappeared
  • But she was never quite gone
  • Echoing in my head
  • Had to make it leave
  • Maybe through lead
  • So I wrote a letter
  • To myself and the voice
  • But when I shut up to listen
  • It was her voice instead
  • I wish I had a reason
  • To differentiate me from the dead
  • So I picked up a handgun
  • And the ammo inside
  • Pointed it at the voice
  • And bid it goodbye
  • Blood stained on decor
  • She stormed up the stairs
  • Felt the fear through the door
  • She never was one for hugging
  • But her warmth disagreed
  • As she held me in her arms
  • And I’ll never say goodbye
  • So I said my last “Hello”
  • As my soul escaped this shell
  • I could’ve sworn she kissed my wrists.

Feedback: https://www.reddit.com/r/OCPoetry/comments/5amlvl/all_is_in_order/?ref=share&ref_source=link

https://www.reddit.com/r/OCPoetry/comments/5amhlz/my_soul_is_a_social_media/

Posted Nov 2, 2016, 1:44 AM UTC

42
Jake_of_all_Trades•

I stir: Sense of realism and angst that exist, but often forgotten. A wanting to belong.

I witness: A good format that emulates journal entries well! Two distinguished protagonists and their purpose.

I yearn: To know if this poem is based upon personal experience or has a much deeper meaning that what I feel.

I claim: Tasteful rhyme. Less fluid continuity would do well for this poem. The clear-cut teenage angst and imagery is offputting, but makes sense for a journal "prose" format.

1
gwrgwir•

In the future, this sort of piece should be tagged NSFW due to content. That said, from a poetic standpoint - the punctuation, formatting (bullet points/macros aren't really useful), and first letter-line capitalization could all use work. The piece as a whole reads more like a prose diary entry than poetry, and is a good example of telling instead of showing. Cadence is solid, but rhyme's inconsistent.

1