‘to the how are yous
and the nice to see yous
and the see you soons i hope
in every response
i would say
please can you not you dope
why should i care
to appease a mean
where words have no scope
these smiles are false
these avatars are made
and deep inside we mope
-coolstoryjoee
Feedback: https://www.reddit.com/r/OCPoetry/comments/5anhkf/a_peoem_i_wroat/d9hvhzv/ and https://www.reddit.com/r/OCPoetry/comments/5ak9yg/my_head/d9hvo0i/
Posted Nov 2, 2016, 3:02 AM UTC · edited
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i suppose you nailed my psychological inspiration for it.
Thanks for the feedback. I'm not the strongest with my grammar, but I believe this piece has rhythm/flow and can easily be read/related too.
Edit: reread the poem, I wouldn't trim any words out.
I like it. I could tell how it was supposed to be read, but it needs some punctuation in order to really capture the attitude when you're trying to read it. Solid, but needs a little work.
I found the lack of punctuation to be very suiting for a poem about not caring for false pleasantries. Also, that third stanza. I don't know, something about the way you used the word mean. I liked it. Good job!
I like how you've effectively described your persona in the very first sentence. But (though this might be intentional) it's not consistent to the end. Well, it doesn't have to be consistent throughout, of course, but I would expect some kind of reference, back to who we were initially introduced to. Something self-aware, a kind of joke, possibly teetering on the sarcastic. It would make the story go full-circle.
great suggestion. I'll think of a 5th stanza to round it off, maybe. My intention was for the last stanza to kill the poem. To leave it... dry and dead.
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Personal insults aren't allowed here. This is your warning.
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Personal insults aren't allowed here. This is your warning.
Urgotta be kidding me!